Page 50 of Beneath the Surface

“I just... you keep telling me to trust you.” She walks closer. “To let you in, let you keep my secrets. But, Alex, I can’t jump into this without knowing. I don’t even know if there’s anything to jumpinto.How long are you even gonna be here for?” Her eyes glance around the motel.

I shrug, my mind trying to come up with something that straddles the in-between. “I can do what I do from anywhere,” I say carefully.

“Ugh!” She pulls at her hair, then points a shaky finger at me. “See? That isn’t a real answer. Andthis—” She gestures between us. “It isn’t fair to me and it sure as hell isn’t fair to Chase, and… look, I’m used to being disappointed. I’m used to heartbreak.” Her eyes gloss over and my chest squeezes. “It’s all I’ve ever known. ButChase, he... he fucking loves you, okay? You worked your way into his heart and he’s never had that before.” Her voice cracks. “And here I am, letting you stomp into our lives when I don’t know the first fucking thing about you and it’sscary.” Her hand smacks her chest. “It’s terrifying. It makes me feel like a shitty mom and a bad judge of character.”

She’s pacing, so close I can easily reach out and grab her. So I do. Without thinking, I react, my arms gripping her tight, pulling her onto my lap until her legs surround me and her face is directly in front of mine.

My hand grasps the back of her neck and brings her in, our foreheads touching. “You’re not a shitty mom.”

I mean the words when I say them, but the weight of my secrets press down on my chest, threatening to shatter me into a million pieces.

I’ve fucked so many faceless women. Told them pretty words and meaningless facts. But with Lily, it’s something more. Something deeper. Something that, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve felt since the moment I laid eyes on her months ago, when I was taking her pictures from a distance and planning to hand her off to her brother.

And maybe that’s why I never passed on what I found. Maybe that’s why I’ve stayed here, less than a day’s drive away from where I promised I would never go back.

Maybe that’s why I don’t want to leave.

Because drowning in Lily is better than wading in a life without her.

I can’t lose her yet.

24

Lily

“You’re not a shitty mom.”

“Easy for you to say.” My hands reach up, scruffing along the edges of Alex’s five o’clock shadow, the pale of my skin contrasting against the dark tan of his. “But I will be if I just let you slip in and out of our lives without getting answers. You’re always so evasive, and I justcan’tlet it happen anymore.”

His jaw clenches under my palms, the muscle so tight the tension seeps into my fingertips.

My hips jerk into him farther when his arms squeeze my waist. “The answer isyes, little bird. We’re together. I told you yesterday that you were mine. But you’ll have to work with me here.” He blows out a breath. “I’m not used to having anyone to answer to. I...”

My stomach dips and twists, knotting around the anxiety this conversation is giving, but I’m not leaving until I figure out what’s going on. Until I’m sure about what decisions I need to make going forward. So I’ll sit here, allowing my edges to continue to crack, hoping his answers will be the glue that binds them back together.

My gaze slips to the desk behind us. There’s an expensive looking laptop, wireless headphones, and a small mound of toothpicks. My lips twitch, realizing how completelyAlexit is, but then my gaze snags on something next to it, and the realization is a rock being hurtled a hundred miles an hour into my gut, punching so fast I lose my breath.

A gun.

My vision spins, twisting and turning until all I can see are memories blending into my present.

Driving around town, Darryl’s eyes are lazy while he talks on his phone. “Yeah, I’ll be there. I’m out, runnin’ errands with my girl.”

His hand grips my knee, tight enough to where I know there will be a bruise. I wince but don’t tell him it hurts. He doesn’t like it when I push him away. My eyes fall to his gun, lying haphazardly in his lap. The sight of it makes a sick feeling swim through the bottom of my belly, and I don’t like the way it feels.

Reaching into the center console, my hand fumbles until I feel the cool glass of the pipe hit my fingers. Pulling it out, I glance through the car windows, making sure it’s a safe place to take a hit. The rough edges of the lighter, and the sounds of the igniting flame, create an almost calming sensation—a precursor to the buzz that overtakes my body moments later, making me float above the worry.

My hands grow clammy, my lungs squeezing so tight I gasp for air as I’m catapulted from one moment into another.

“What the fuck you lookin’ at?”

My stomach jumps into my throat, my eyes trying so hard to focus around the fuzzy edges of my high. I think I’m at Amy’s, but I can’t be sure. I glance around for Darryl, but the living room is empty, soiled beanbags and mismatched chairs strewn against the stained carpet. I’ve been so out of it, I didn’t even notice he left me here with this douchebag of a friend. The one who has now moved closer to me on the couch, his gaze wide and pupils dilated, hiding the color of his eyes.

My brain is muddled, but the cool press of metal between my eyes pulls it from the fog. “Watch your fuckin’ eyes, bitch. I don’t like the way you look at me.”

My mind snaps back to the present, legs scrambling to move off of Alex’s lap. My heart careens against my ribcage.Who the fuck have I let in my house?

His grip tightens around me, not allowing me to move. “What just happened?”

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