Page 43 of Beneath the Surface

I can’t.

And I’m not sure I ever will.

20

Lily

I’ve never felt so vulnerable.

Which is saying a lot, because there have been numerous times in my life where I’ve been weak and at the heel of someone’s mercy. But this… this feelsdifferent. Like sprinting through a marathon—exhausted and drained—yet completely satisfied.

Alex has moved behind me on the couch, both of us sprawled out, his arms wrapped around me, the warmth of his body fighting off the chill of revulsion that’s trying to creep up my back.

“Why did you stop?” I ask, twisting to face him.

His eyebrow arches. “Because I wanted to hold you.”

“But what if I wanted to return the favor?” My eyes glance down to his lap. Honestly, I don’t think I have the energy for that, or the stomach. I’ve neverwillinglygiven head before in my life. Memories scream into my present just from the thought.

“You also wanted me to ‘take it,’” Alex says.

My cheeks heat, my stomach flipping with disgust.

I shouldn’t have said anything.

My fingers scratch at my wrist.

Alex’s hand moves up, his knuckles tilting my chin until I’m staring into his eyes. “I want to give you what you want, little bird, but we need to talk about it more before I do. That’s why we stopped.”

I roll my eyes, scoffing, my face jerking out of his grasp. “Talking defeats the whole purpose. It was stupid anyway. I shouldn’t have said anything.” The words rush out of me, shame filling up every single cell in my body until I’m weighed down by regret.

Regret for saying something.

Regret for having somethingtosay.

Regret for letting things happen to me in the first place.

My heart cinches tight, stomach heaving.

“No.” His voice is sharp. “Don’t do that. Not with me.” He drags my face back again, his lips grazing mine on every exhale. “I don’t want you to hide. I don’t want you to cower away. I want you to look me in the eyes, and tell me what you need.”

My body trembles, a sharp pain swelling my throat.

“Iwantto give it to you.” He presses a chaste kiss to my lips.

I suck in a breath, my already over-sensitized body sizzling from his touch.

“There’s nothing wrong with role-play, Lily. Nothing wrong with liking things. Withneedingcertain things.”

My chest burns, the sudden need for something to be swimming through my veins like a visceral itch, slinking beneath my skin, unable to be scratched.

His breath ghosts across the skin of my cheek, but he hesitates before saying the next part. “You have a rape fantasy.”

The word rape sends me into a tailspin, defensive shackles rising up and slamming back down. Revulsion and shame slice through my veins, bleeding onto the floor, until I’m sure he can see how absolutely fucking pathetic I am. “No, I —”

Alex’s grip on my body tightens. “There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s hot as fuck.” Another kiss. “We just need to be clear about things before we dive in.” His eyes glide down my body before rising back to meet mine, the fire in his gaze enough to re-spark the match lying in the pit of my belly.

“I would die a thousand deaths right now to get inside of you,” he continues. “But I want to make sure we do things right. Ineedto make sure you’re taken care of.”

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