Page 116 of Beneath the Surface

Theonlyreason I survived was because it was Anna’s birthday, and I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. Chase hunted me down and found me half dead on the bedroom floor.

Some days, when I’m living in my regret, I wonder what that must have been like for him; finding me in the same position he so often found our mother. I don’t even remember it happening. I don’t know whether he screamed, or cried, or even stayed by my side in the hospital.

I just remember waking up.

And I remember running.

* * *

“Are you ready for this?”Chase asks, turning toward me as we sit in Sam and Anna’s driveway.

I take the moment to glance around, nerves pricking under my skin, making my movements jerky and painful. Baby Chase sits in the back seat, and I swallow down my nerves, knowing that if anything, I have to do this for him. So he can know his grandparents. So they can love him the way he deserves to be loved.

My heart clenches, and I blow out a breath, nodding.

Stepping out of the car, the memories spin around me like a sandstorm. The front yard looks the exact same as it did when we first moved here. My eyes glance three doors down to the single-story house with blue shutters.I wonder if Lee’s dad still lives there.

My mind takes me back without preamble to our first day here, when my brain was filled with possibilities. Sometimes, I wish I could reach out and grab the hope I used to have tattooed on my skin. Wrap it around myself again, and wear it like a cloak.

I’ve never hula-hooped before. But Anna gave it to me as a gift, a “housewarming” present, and so here I am, standing in our new front yard, doing my best to swing my hips and let the plastic swirl around my body. I’m so invested in making sure it doesn’t drop that I don’t see the girl coming our way until she’s at the edge of the yard.

I stop in my tracks, the hula-hoop falling to the grassy ground, excitement at seeing another kid making a smile beam across my face. I’m so antsy from being here, from feeling a sense of normalcy for the first time that I can’t stop myself from running over to greet her.

Her eyes widen as I approach.

“Hi! I’m Lily! Do you live on this street? I’m so excited that you came over. I’ve been so worried about not making any friends, but then here you are, and oh! Your eyes are so pretty, they must be the bluest things I’ve ever seen.”

My heart pounds in my chest and I gulp in a breath of air, realizing that I probably just scared her away with my rambling. But it doesn’t stop me from leaning in close to stare at her big, blue eyes. I can’t help it. She’s like a magnet. She just has this light about her, and I can’t help but try and take a closer look, wanting to know how to emulate it within myself.

“How do you talk like that?” she asks, stuffing her hands in her back pocket. “You know... just goin’ and goin’ for so long without havin’ to breathe?”

Her accent is thick, and a pang of jealousy weaves through my chest at the innocence that glows around her like an aura. It seems effortless for her, and I have to try so hard.

I force a laugh out. “You’ll get used to me. My mom used to tell me I had enough energy to light up all of Chicago.”

It’s not true. I don’t even remember much of my mom, but sometimes, telling stories like she cared—like she loved me—dulls the absence of her memory.

“I think I believe her.” She grins wide, her eyes sparkling. “Well, I’m Alina May Carson, but my friends call me Lee. I live three houses down that way.” She points down the street, and when her eyes come back, they float behind me to where Chase is brooding on the front steps, watching us in silence.

I should have known at that moment she wasn’t really there for me. Her eyes only spared me a second glance, but they were glued to Chase forever. And his were stuck on hers.

My heart spasms in my chest, my stomach turning from the memory.

I turn, opening the back door of the car and reaching in to unbuckle baby Chase from his car seat. “Okay, baby, you ready to go meet some new friends?”

He beams and nods, his arms reaching out as I lift him from the car and prop him on my hip. I grin down at him, his right hand coming up to rest on my cheek. “It’s gonna be okay, Mommy.”

Tears burn behind my eyes, guilt for showing my emotions raging in my gut. But I’m not surprised he picked up on my struggle. Children can feel things that adults choose to ignore.

I smile. “I know, baby. Thank you.”

He reaches his small arms around me, his Spider-Man stuffy dangling from his fist, and he hugs me tight. “I’ll wove you fowever, I’ll wike you for always.”

My nostrils flare, and I take the moment, gripping my baby boy tight, and breathing him in. No matter what happens, no matter how many mistakes I’ve made, this right here in my arms is the greatest thing I’ve ever done.

“As long as I’m living, my baby you’ll be,” I whisper into his hair.

And then I open my eyes and walk to the front door, ready to tackle my past head-on.

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