Page 132 of Beneath the Hood

Sucking in a breath, determination attaches to my spine, rooting me in its confidence. In its strength. “Okay.”

“And Blakely…” he tips up my chin. “I’m sorry.”

My eyes sting with tears, fragments of my heart being sewn back together. “I forgive you.” I glance around. “So, guess I’m going to Sugarlake?”

He nods. “Guess you’re going to Sugarlake.”

57

Jackson

It’s been four weeks of Friday dinners, and they each end the same way. With Chase grabbing two beers and sliding one to me, sitting down, and not speaking a word.

Tonight, I’m outside on the back deck. The sliding door opens behind me and a fresh beer appears. I grab it, watching as Chase rests his forearms on the railing and stares up at the sky.

“Do you ever look at the stars and feel small?” he asks.

My stomach jumps at his voice, surprised that he’s finally decided to talk. I lift my head, gazing up at them. “All the time.”

“Yeah, me too.” He chuckles, sipping from his bottle. “There’s only been a few other times in my life where I’ve felt that small.”

I swallow, unease molding to my cells.

“For instance, when my mom left my sister and me at a gas station and never showed back up? I felt small as fuck then.”

My gut sinks. It’s no secret that Chase is adopted—that his mom was a junkie who left him and his sister, Lily, when they were young, but I never knew the details. Chase isn’t really one to verbalize his issues.

I peer at him from my peripheral, wondering what else I don’t know about him, and then I snap out of it, reminding myself that I truly don’t give a fuck.

“The second time... was when my best friend dropped me without a second thought, not even waiting to hear my side of the story. Choosing to slide into my place as he tried to fuck my girl.”

My entire body freezes, the beer poised at my lips.

“I’ve been waiting for fucking weeks to see if you’d ever apologize. I thought maybe that you’d extend an olive branch. Thought that if everyone else had taken the time to let me back in, then maybe you would too. But here we are, withmebeing the one who has to do all the talking.” He points a finger at me. “YouknowI fucking hate talking.”

Disbelief rains down my spine, wrapping around my chest and squeezing. “Are you seriously standing there and trying to say thatI’mthe one who hurtyou?”

He nods. “That’s exactly what I’m fucking saying. You were my best friend, Jax. Myonlyfriend, and instead of being ride or die, through thick and thin, you jumped ship.”

“You treated her likeshit!”I yell, waving my arm toward inside. “You fucked another girl and posted about it on Facebook on the same night her mom died, and yet I’mthe bad guy?”

He shakes his head. “You have no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.”

“No?” I raise my brows. “So explain it to me.”

He puffs out his chest. “You don’tdeservean explanation. Eight years ago? Yeah, I would have spilled my bleeding fucking heart out, telling you how my stupid ass fell for some bitch’s manipulations because I was fucked up over Lily almost dying in my arms and then running away.” He runs a shaky hand through his hair. “Eight years ago, I would have told you how thatsamestupid bitch snuck into my bed when I was asleep and took a few pictures.” He pauses, his eyes swirling with hurt. “But today? Today you don’t deserve shit.”

I swallow, his words shooting through my skin like bullets and burrowing into the holes they carved out.

“I get that I let you down. That you’re pissed off at me. That you’ve held onto a grudge for all the ways I’ve fucked up. And I’m sorry for that. No one knows more than I do about how I wasn’t the man I needed to be back then.” He runs his hand through his dark hair. “I’ve spent years atoning for my mistakes. Growing and learning, and working everyfuckingday to try and be a better man.”

He gulps down his beer. “But you weremyfriend first. And I needed you, too.”

“I didn’t know,” I say, my mind whirling.

His jaw tics. “You didn’twantto know.”

My stomach rolls as I think back to eight years ago. To how I became enamored with Lee. How every time I drove her to visit him in college, I fell a little bit more, and let the resentment for Chase grow until it wedged between us. How I’d see them love each other so hard it hurt to watch, and dream of having her love me the same.

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