Page 121 of Beneath the Hood

“So do I, honey.” He hesitates. “I’m sorry I’ve never let you.”

My fists clench against the couch cushions. “It’s okay.”

He shakes his head. “It isn’t.”

Something loosens in my chest, dropping down into my stomach and disintegrating. “You’re right, it isn’t.”

“Anyway, your mother’s bad acting was my favorite feature on her. She wasn’t able to hide a thing from me, you know?” His eyes glance at me from his peripheral. “Not like some people, who can hide the world behind a smile.”

“But it also meant that when she’d fall down, people would see. And your mother… she fell down a lot.”

My heart skips. “What do you mean?”

“She had depression.Severedepression that would hit out of nowhere and take her down for months. She’d go from this smiling, happy person, to a shell who couldn’t even get out of bed. I watched everyonein her life brush it off and tell her to get her act together. To justdecideto be happy.”

The hole in the middle of my stomach widens, sadness coating its edges.

“But I saw her.” He wipes a tear from his chin. “More than anyone else, I saw her. And I was there every day, helping her shower and holding her when she cried.” His voice breaks as he turns to me. “I think the biggest regret of my life will be not doing the same for you.”

My mouth parts, shock freezing everything in my body, unable to process his words. Not sure if I should even believe them.

“She would be ashamed of what I’ve become. Of how I’ve let others raise you. How I left you alone with your demons instead of helping you learn to navigate their shadows.”

Tears steadily roll down my face, my nose burning and chest throbbing from his words.

“You’ve always been so damn self-sufficient, and I... I have no clue how to do life without her.” He nods his head toward the screen. “Almost twenty years and I still wake up with a hole where my heart should be.” He inhales deep. “I let work take over my life because the alternative is admitting to myself that she’s gone, and because of that, I’ve failed at taking care of the greatest gift she ever gave me.”

I suck in a stuttered breath, my face screwing up as the tears stream from my eyes, dripping over my lips and dissolving on my tongue.

He turns toward me fully and takes both of my hands in his. “I know it doesn’t make up for it, but I amsosorry, Blakely.”

The little girl inside of me bursts with joy, but the woman spawned from his abandonment pushes back. “What if it’s too late?” I choke out. “What if you waited too long and now I don’t need you?”

He bobs his head. “Everybody needs somebody, Blakely. I’m begging you to let that person be me. At least until we can get you help.”

My spine stiffens.

I try to pull my hands back, but he tightens his grip. “Your mother had the same reaction, a straight back and a defiant look on her face before I even finished getting out the words.”

I scoff. “But I’mfine.”

He shakes his head. “There’s no shame in getting help, Blakely. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first, admit that you need someone to help you steer through the choppy waters.”

My chest caves in at his words.

“Your mom went to therapy, four times a week at first. She went on anti-depressants and she had to workevery dayat digging herself out of the hole she fell into. It didn’t make her less of a person. It didn’t make her less worthy. It just made her human.”

His words filter through my cracks and I stare at the TV, watching her love my father. Watching her loveme.

His hand squeezes mine. “It’s okay to be human, Blakely. Let me help you.Please.”

Raising my chin, I swallow back the sob. Closing my eyes, more tears squeeze from the corners and stream down my face. Thoughts of Jackson filter through my head, of him begging me to get help—for me to just open my eyes and see.

“This isn’t living, baby.”

I gulp in air, the slight aftertaste of vomit—despite brushing my teeth—still lingering, the shame resting heavy on my tongue.

I close my eyes.

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