Page 56 of Always. Forever.

“You taste like every bad decision, just as I thought you would,” he rasps against my lips.

“Clearly, bad decisions are your favorite pastime,” I tease back.Why? I don’t know.He made me mad tonight, and with the alcohol mixed in with my anger, another side of me is coming out.

He crashes his mouth to mine again, grabbing me by the nape of my neck, walking me backward toward the couch. The backs of my knees meet the softness of the couch as he pushes me down with force. I fall on the cushions. Cash doesn’t give me a minute, he’s on me, caging me between his large arms, his tongue dancing with mine. He’s right, the taste is like a bad decision, but a bad decision I never knew I wanted to make. I crave it. Our tongues keep dancing with each other, our teeth clashing together from the force.

The kiss sends a feeling surging through me, a feeling I never thought I would feel again. I lie there beneath him, weak and confused. Cash Stiles wasn’t meant to make me feel this way. My legs open wider. I don’t know why, I just need to feel something, feel him. Cash’s body falls closer to mine and then his hard dick presses against me. He groans into my mouth as he pushes harder into my center. I push up, shamelessly rubbing myself on him, the ache that forms in the pit of my stomach flows through me like a tidal wave. It’s as if a switch goes off in our minds at the same time, and we both freeze, and Cash pulls his lips away from mine. His gaze drops from my eyes to my mouth and back up again. He looks pained and I know it is mirrored by me. The sickness settles in thick and fast.

“We should stop, Ry,” he rasps out. His brows drawn together as he drops his chin to his chest.

I nod as tears well in my eyes. The shame, the embarrassment, but most of all, the guilt for how much I wanted Cash, for how much I still do. Cash lifts off me and sits beside me on the sofa, rubbing his hands through his hair. When he looks up, he stares straight ahead at something in front him. I follow his line of sight and he’s studying a picture of Jace and me. With the guilt I’m feeling, I can only imagine it’s ten times stronger for him.

“I want to say sorry, but I can’t.” He sighs, still staring at the picture. I stay seated in silence, speechless. I don’t know what else to say, I have nothing to say.

“Saying sorry would mean I didn’t mean it, or I regret it, and I probably should, but I don’t.” He turns around to me.

“You’re ingrained in me, Rylee. I don’t want you there, but you are. I think you always have been.” He drops his head, looking down at his hands.

“Even when you belonged to my son,” he whispers, as if he can’t believe he is saying it out loud. He sighs, standing up and turning to me.

“I’ll leave you, but if you need me, please call, and don’t you dare feel any guilt about what just happened, it was all me, but I’m not saying sorry, Ry.”

“I don’t want you to be sorry,” I rush out before I can even think about it, as much as I should want him to, as much as I should be sorry, I’m not. I have never met someone who makes me so angry and frustrated, but, at the same time, there is some kind of invisible magnet pulling me to him, making me want him more, it overpowers the anger I have toward him.

He nods. “I’m going to head off, I don’t think staying here any longer is going to do us any favors.”

I agree with him. It won’t. Cash set off a feeling in me I never thought I would feel again, even if it was just a sliver, and I know the longer he is here, the more I will want it back. I wrap my arms around myself, nodding back to him, not trusting myself to speak. If I do, I will beg him to stay. He walks toward me, placing a kiss on my forehead. I let out a breath I didn’t realize I was holding.

“Oh, and Ry.” I turn to the door, seeing him standing there with the front door open. He looks over his shoulder. “I know I was an asshole and a hypocrite tonight, and I am sorry for that, I truly am, but please trust me when I tell you to stay away from James, I don’t trust him.”

“Okay.” I know something has gone on, but I don’t push. As much as I hate doing what anyone tells me, especially Cash, I can tell he’s asking in a pleading way, so for now, I will accept it and leave it. I want to know what has happened, but now is not the time. He smiles, walking out the door and closing it behind him.

I walk back to the sofa, dropping myself down, gazing up at the ceiling. How did my night go from me having fun with my colleagues and James, to being humiliated in front of them, to coming back to my apartment and nearly having sex with the person who humiliated me—the love of my life’s dad? If I thought life couldn’t get any more complicated, Cash fucking Stiles charges in like a bulldozer, taking down the wall I had built around me and whatever is left of me along with it. I close my eyes and let out a big sigh, the fatigue settling in. I close my eyes, and all that replays is Cash’s lips on mine.I’m so fucked.

Chapter Thirty-Two

Mytoessinkintothe sand beneath my feet. I look up at the waves, watching them crash against each other. I have been coming here every few weeks, mostly to think, but I also like coming here to speak to Jace. It’s my way of coping, if you can call it that.

The beach was mine and Jace’s favorite place. We always said that when we grew old and gray together, we would get a beach house and spend the rest of our days happy on the sand and near the sea. It guts me to the core to know I will never get that with him. The only person I ever wanted it with.

I lie down on the sand, gazing up at the sky. Jace is up there right now. I wonder if he’s watching me, is he happy or angry. He would have every right to be angry after what happened three nights ago. This is why I needed to come here today. Like I needed to explain myself, but how can I? I rub at the pendant around my neck. Bridget bought me a heart-shaped pendant that has what looks like blue and gray specks inside. When Bridget told me its Jace’s ashes that have been made into glass, I broke down, clutching the necklace with everything I had. I put it on that day and haven’t taken it off since. I always hold the necklace; it makes me feel closer to him.

“Jace,” I say, continuing my gaze up at the clouds. “Where do I even start?” I sigh. I’m running my fingers through the sand next to me, trying to ground my anxiousness.

“I miss you. I have missed talking to you. I just needed some time to get my head together, although it still isn’t, if anything, it’s even more messed up.” With the wind lapping around my head, it’s like I can feel Jace running his fingers through my hair, like the way he used to always do when I was anxious.

“I’m sorry it took me so long.” I laugh. I sit in silence for a minute. There is so much to say, but I’m struggling to find the words, so I start with the obvious. “I’m sorry, Jace. I’m so sorry,” I whisper, taking a deep breath. “I don’t know why it happened or how. All I know is I have never wanted it before, never once have I ever looked at your dad like that. I hated him and now . . .” I take a minute to gather my thoughts. “The hate has gone.” I sigh “After the kiss, I felt something. I felt a piece of myself come back, a piece of life, Jace. I haven’t felt like that since you were here.” Tears fall down the sides of my face as I cry to the sky, to Jace. “I’m sorry, I’m here talking to you about this. I need you to forgive me, Jace. I just need a sign that you forgive me.”

I lie there for what feels like forever, listening to the waves and the seagulls, waiting for that sign but it doesn’t come. It starts to get dark, and I know I need to go, but I’m holding on for that sign. It’s then I hear the rumbling. I sit up, looking out to the ocean, and black clouds appear with what looks like is a storm heading toward shore in May—this never happens.

Jace hated storms.

He doesn’t forgive me.

I lie in the rain, still not moving from where I was talking to Jace. I deserve to stay in the rain, the miserable rain that he sent me. I know people will think I’m being silly coming to the beach and talking to him and assuming that a storm is his way of saying he doesn’t forgive me, but in a weird way, it’s what I need. I need to cling onto that fact that he listens when I need to talk to him and ask advice or tell him things, I did wrong. I want reactions out of him, I want him to be angry with me, I’m angry with myself, I deserve this.

My thoughts are interrupted when my phone vibrates against my leg. I pick up my bag and dig through to find the phone. When I find it, I sigh. It’s Cash. I can’t talk to him right now. I told him I needed time away from him and to just leave me alone for a while. I needed to sort my head out. I don’t know what I’m feeling. I know his head is as messed up as mine. He lost his son, and I can’t imagine how it must feel to lose an only child. I keep telling myself we are both grieving and finding comfort in each other because we loved Jace so much, so it makes us feel closer to him, but deep down, I know it’s not that, but I can’t bring myself to say what I know out loud. It’s so much more than that, and it terrifies me.

My phone vibrates again. I sit there and watch it ring. I’m too tired for this, especially after today. I thought coming here would help, but it has made me feel like an even trashier human. I look at my phone and a text has come through from Cash.

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