Page 53 of Always. Forever.

“What happened with Becky?” I ask, filling the silence.

Cash shrugs. “Not much.”

“Well, you seemed happy at your dinner, I thought she might have been the one.”

He huffs a laugh out to that.

“What’s funny about that?” I ask, confused at his reaction to my question.

“She was never the one, I don’t think any woman will ever be the one, Ry. I don’t deserve to be happy.” He sighs, rubbing his hands over his face.

“What? Why don’t you deserve to be happy?”

“Because I don’t, just leave it.” He raises his voice slightly, and I can tell I’m getting him agitated, pushing his buttons. Normally I wouldn’t want to argue with Cash, but something comes over me and makes me want to push his buttons more. I want to know why he doesn’t deserve to be happy.

“No, I won’t leave it,” I deadpan. “C’mon, tell me. Why don’t you deserve it?”

“Because I’m a piece of shit, I’m a shit person, a shit boss, and even worse father.” He pauses. “Was a shit father,” he whispers, glancing back up at the picture of Jace and me. Before I can question him further, he continues. “I didn’t deserve such an amazing son, Ry. I did the worst thing a father could do, and I’ll never forgive myself.”

Now I’m really curious as to what he is going on about. Jace never said anything bad about Cash. If anything, he always stuck up for him. When Cash told me about what happened with Jace’s mom, I thought it maybe had to do with the fact he raised Jace on his own, but he was thankful to his dad for that and rightly so, but what he is saying now has me questioning everything.What did he do?

“Wh-what are you talking about, Cash?” A part of me wants to know but another part is worried about what he will tell me.

I crouch down in front of him, coming face-to-face with him. His whiskey-ridden breath floats out from his open lips. I survey his face while he does the same to me.What is he hiding?

“I felt things I shouldn’t have, Ry,” he whispers. He doesn’t take his eyes off me, roaming my face like it’s the first time he’s really seeing me. I should feel slightly uncomfortable in this moment, with how close we are, but strangely enough, I don’t.

“What things?” I ask. I don’t think I can let this go. I need to know what’s going on, and now I’m wondering if this is what has caused him to act the way he does toward me. Even though I have no idea what he is talking about.

“It doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head, breaking the stare between us. He goes to stand up again, but I push myself forward, pushing him back down on the seat.

“No!” I raise my voice slightly. “Tell me, if you were this huge shitty person and such a bad dad, then tell me, Cash. Jace isn’t here to judge you now, is he? So tell me.” It’s a low blow, rubbing what he already knows in his face. He winced when I said it, and it makes me feel like shit, but he can’t say that and expect me to forget about it.

He gets close to my face, and the smell of whiskey permeates the air.

“If you found out, you would think I was the biggest piece of shit too, Rylee. If anything, it might even be better that way, I have tried to make it this way for years.” He stands, which causes me to fall back.What the hell is he going on about?I stand up, rushing after him.

“No, you can’t just say this and not explain, Cash. What are you talking about? I already think you’re a piece of a shit, so it won’t make me think any less of you.” Again, I’m going in deep, I feel the more I wind Cash up, the more he reacts, then the more he will say. I do think he’s a piece of shit, sometimes, but not all the time. He just clearly has issues, issues I want to know about. He is walking toward the door, so I run around him, standing in front of him, blocking the door.

“Tell me.” I stare anxiously into his eyes. “Please.”

He takes two strides toward me, now only centimeters away from me, which causes me to have to look up at him. His warm whiskey breath fans my face, and his eyes look wild with anger, frustration, and something else I can’t quite determine.

“You need to stay away from me, Rylee,” he grinds out.

“Why,” I breathe out, glaring at him. He stares down at me as we stand toe to toe, his broad chest grazing my nipples only covered by the thin layer of Jace’s sweatshirt. My nipples pebble as he takes deeper breaths, causing his chest to rub against them more. I blush as his eyes drift down and sweep over my chest. I close my eyes, mortified that he has seen. I don’t think I can face him after this, it has to be an automatic reaction. When I open my eyes seconds later, the blue is nowhere to be seen in Cash’s eyes, they are blown wide, swimming with heat. My breath hitches, my body temperature skyrocketing.What the hell is happening to me?

He leans down, his lips grazing my ear. “Because I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore . . . that’s why,” he whispers before placing his hand on the handle and opening the door, causing me to stumble to the side. He brushes past me, leaving the apartment. I stand there in shock as he leaves and doesn’t look back. He takes the stairs, soon to be out of sight. I continue to stare at the stairs. The words replaying over and over in my head.“Because I can’t stay away from you.”My mind knows what he means, but I’m struggling to accept it.Cash wants me?I close the door and turn, and I slide down to the floor, still in shock. Everything floods my memory of earlier when he was in the office, him saying sorry to Jace, him saying he couldn’t make it stop. He was talking about me.

Chapter Thirty

Iarrivedattheoffice at six this morning. It’s now nearly 9:00 a.m. and I still haven’t turned the laptop on. Guzzling my third cup of extra strong coffee, which isn’t even touching the exhaustion I feel, I turn the laptop on, hoping work will take my mind off everything that happened last night. I tossed and turned all night, and eventually slipped into a sleep around 4:00 a.m.

I wish I hadn’t. That was the first night I went to sleep without a single tear because I was too busy thinking about what had happened between Cash and me. I even waited in Jace’s t-shirt for them to come but they didn’t.Is this what people talk about when they say it gets easier?Instead, I had lain there, thinking of Cash who then assaulted my dreams. I woke up hot, sweating and crying from utter guilt at the thoughts I had about Cash.How can this be happening?I have never looked at Cash in that way. Yes, he is gorgeous, but he is Jace’s dad. He is my dead boyfriend’s dad, who has been a complete asshole to me for the last five years. I place my elbows on the desk, dropping my head into my hands, rubbing at my face in the hope this will wash away everything that has happened in the last twelve hours.

“Oh no, what’s happened, Ry?” Rachel’s gentle voice interrupts my internal meltdown. My head lulls back, and I gaze into her worried eyes, and everything floods out of me through tears.

“Oh, baby, come here.” Rach rushes around my desk, grabbing me in a tight hug, rocking me back and forth while I unload all my guilt tears. The thing that hurts the most is that she automatically thinks I’m crying because of Jace. Although I’m crying over the guilt, I’m crying because I haven’t stopped thinking about Cash, and every time I replay those words “Because I can’t stay away from you,” I get the slightest of butterflies.Why!This shouldn’t be happening. I don’t tell Rachel what happened. I know she won’t judge—also I haven’t actually done anything wrong—but my thoughts are filling me with guilt. Could it be the fact I’m lonely and Cash can relate to my grief? I never thought of him in that way until he said those words to me.Why did he have to say that?

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