Page 46 of Always. Forever.

“Remember at Cash’s birthday dinner I mentioned Tulum?” I nod at her. “He had booked a beautiful beach house for you as a surprise, he was going to tell you the day before your birthday, and you were flying out on your birthday,” she says, tears welling in her eyes.

I stare at the table.That’s in six months, he had it all planned out?The sick feeling in my stomach that hasn’t left since the day I realized it was Jace lying in that bed, gets stronger.

“He—” She wipes the tears away from her eyes, grabbing my hands in both of hers, stroking them. She wipes the never-ending trail of tears trickling down my face.

“He called me the day of the accident, telling me he had booked and paid for it all. He was so happy and couldn’t wait to tell you, Rylee,” Bridget cries out.

“No. I can’t do this,” I say, standing abruptly. “I need to go.” I walk away from Bridget, from everyone. Someone behind me is calling my name, but I couldn’t tell you who it is. I feel like I’m underwater. I run past everyone in a blur, not even taking in who I’m pushing out of the way. I feel like if I don’t get out of here soon, a wave will take me under, and this time, I won’t come up for air, I’ll drown.

Chapter Twenty-Five

Idon’tremembergettinghome last night, all I remember is getting out of the Uber and walking up to the entrance doors to the apartment building. I don’t even remember booking the Uber. After hearing Jace had booked the vacation for us, the day he had the accident, the one we were so excited for and he deserved more than anything, it pushed me back into the black hole I thought I was escaping from.

I don’t think I will ever escape. Every time a memory is brought up, every time I think about his unforgettable face, every time I think about his tender touch, the way his face would light up when he walked through our apartment doors and he saw my face after a long day. I’ll always be treading the edges, just waiting to fall. Heartbreak and grief together are like a hole so deep you can’t climb out of it, but, at the same time, it’s like someone dropping a ladder into that hole for you to grab onto to make your way back up to the light but not wanting to. I don’t deserve to be brought back to the light. If Jace can’t be there with me, then why should I? I don’t want to leave this darkness. Jace was my light, and without him, there’s no light left in my life.

I curl further into my covers, that wave of grief washing over me again. I know I need to get up and shower, but I can’t, my body physically won’t let me. I pick up my phone, opening my browser to what I was looking at last night before finally drifting off to sleep. The tears threaten to bleed from my eyes again, that’s what it feels like now, it feels like my eyes are bleeding because they are so sore from all the crying.

When I got home, I logged into Jace’s emails, as we always had each other’s passwords for personal email accounts just in case we ever needed it. I found the confirmation and looked up where he had booked. It is simply stunning. He had booked us two weeks in a private beach house sitting on Paradise Beach in Tulum. The beach house is surrounded by palm trees and the sand is a dusty shade of white. I can only imagine how soft that would feel under my feet. The ocean, only meters from the entrance of the beach house, is the perfect shade of blue, just like Jace’s eyes. Thinking back to last night when it hit me that Jace and I would never walk across this sand, we would never experience this beautiful place together, makes me feel sick all over again. He picked the most perfect place for me, for us, and we will never stand there together, we will never have vacations together again. I sob into my pillow again and again, letting my already-broken heart bleed out.

Minutes, hours later, who knows, my intercom buzzes, and I let it keep buzzing. Talking, let alone seeing someone, is nowhere near the top of my list. The buzzing stops and I sink further in my bed.

A door clicks. For God’s sake. Only three people now have keys to this apartment. Toni, Bridge, and Cash.

“Rylee . . .” Bridget’s gentle voice floats through the apartment. I sink even further into my bed, praying she will not come in here and will think I’m out. Of course that does not happen, and my bedroom door opens.

“Rylee,” she whispers.

If I pretend I’m asleep, she may just leave. I don’t answer or open my eyes and stay as still as I can, even trying to even out my breathing. The bed dips beside me and her hand starts stroking my hair. My emotions are all over the place. As much as I don’t want to see or speak to anyone, her touch is like something I have longed for. Losing someone you loved more than anything, and the heartbreak that comes along with that grief, is something that not just mentally hurts, it physically hurts, and I always found, growing up, no matter how much something hurt me the comfort from my mom always helped even if it was just a little bit. Having Bridge stroking my hair right now brings back the memories of my mom doing this exact thing, and in a weird way, with my eyes closed, I can pretend it is my mom. Of course, reality rears its nasty head because my mom always had her own smell, and though Bridget’s smell is lovely, it’s not my mom and it’s not Jace. A sob I didn’t even feel rising escapes my mouth before I can stop it.

“Oh, Rylee,” Bridge whimpers out.

She lies next to me, wrapping her arms tightly around me and hugs me.

“I looked at the place he booked, Bridge,” I choke out.

“It’s stunning, isn’t it?”

I nod into her chest. “He did good.”

“When will this get better for us, Bridge, when will it stop hurting, when will it stop burning. I feel like I’m surrounded by fire, just waiting for someone to come put it out, but no one comes, Bridge. No one will ever be able to put this fire out, no one will be able to stop the burning.”

“I don’t think it ever will, Ry. I think the burning is something we will have to learn to live with.” She sighs.

We lie there in silence for a while.

“I need to text Cash,” Bridge says after a while. “I told him I would let him know how you are.”

I sit up, looking at Bridge, confused. “Why would Cash care how I am?” Bridge always knew how I felt about Cash, how I wasn’t his biggest fan and vice versa, even though the family always told me that’s just how Cash is.“He’s not a people person.”

“You’re family, Ry. Of course he cares.” She frowns at me.

I shrug and slip out of bed, going to my en suite bathroom. I have been needing to pee for a while now but holding it in because I couldn’t bring myself to move. I go back into my bedroom, and Bridge is no where to be seen, so I head out to the kitchen. She is emptying my dishwasher and wiping down the counters as she goes along. I walk to the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water, and start walking back to my bed.

“Rylee.”

I turn around, looking at her a long, and low sigh leaves her lips as her shoulders sag. Her vacant, puffy eyes meet mine.

“You can’t spend all your time in bed. I know how you are hurting, Ry. The pain isn’t skin deep, it’s bone deep. I know,” she says, holding her chest, tears welling in her eyes. “But Jace wouldn’t want you like this. He wouldn’t want any of us like this.”

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