Page 45 of Always. Forever.

“There is no way you are doing this afternoon and evening without drinking, you will need it with every other person coming up to you asking if you’re okay when you clearly are not.”

She is right, I probably will need it, the drink will make it easier. I don’t want to drink too much though because I know it will go the other way and I will just cry uncontrollably.

“True,” I say, taking a sip. The sharp burn in my throat and the fire pit in my stomach cause my lip to curl up.

“What the fuck is this?”

“Vodka tonic, but I added in a dash of tequila for the extra burn.” She smiles innocently at me.

“You’re a masochist, you know that,” I snarl at her.

“I know, baby.” She puckers her lips at me. I appreciate Toni being the way she is. She isn’t moping, I know deep down today is killing her as well, but she is trying to be as normal as possible in the hopes it will help me.

I keep the drink away from my lips. After that, I’m sure she’s just trying to get me black-out drunk so I don’t remember anything going on in my life. Although, the more I think about that, the more appealing it becomes.

“Ergh” comes from behind me. Before I can ask her what is wrong, James walks toward us, like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders. I recognize the look well.

“Hey,” he mumbles. His eyes are bloodshot, which is the obvious tell he has been crying a lot. He bends down to give me a kiss on the cheek. He has also been drinking a lot, by the smell of it. I don’t blame him, that is how some people get through grief. It’s meant to make them forget but does it really? Or does it make them think more and think back to every little argument, every little hiccup in their relationship with that person that then drives you into a deeper hole. I can imagine this is what it would do to me, which has me putting my drink on the table and telling myself I will not be drinking anything else tonight.

Although, Jace and I rarely argued and never had any major issues, but even just remembering a night I went to bed without telling him I loved him will send me into a bigger downward spiral than I’m already in.

James takes a seat next to me, he doesn’t acknowledge Toni. I think he knows by now she is not his biggest fan, and he is probably not even caring about pleasing people. He just huffs and looks down. The wordsHow you doing? go to slip off my tongue but then I remember how much it annoys me when people ask me this question, so instead I place my hand on his knee and give him a squeeze. He glances up at me, giving me a look that says a thousand words. Even though him and Jace had drifted, they were still friends, and he will have thousands of fond memories with Jace.

“He would have been proud of you today,” James whispers so quietly only I would catch on to what he said due to the closeness.

A lump forms in my throat. “Thanks.” I don’t know what else he wants me to say.

We sit there in what would normally be an awkward silence, but it feels nice to sit in stillness and be here with someone who truly knew Jace. I look up, and straight in front of me across the room is Cash staring at me and then he glares down. I follow his line of sight and see he is staring at my hand on James’s leg. His nostrils flare and then he clenches his fists. I pull my hand back from James’s leg as if it burned me. James looks up at me and frowns, as if to ask what happened. I offer him a small smile and glance back up, but Cash is nowhere in sight. I don’t know why he was glaring at me like that, and I don’t know why I pulled my hand away as if I was doing something wrong. It was an automatic reaction, but I was just helping James. We all need someone to be there, not necessarily saying anything but them being by your side helps more than anyone would ever know.

“I can’t stop thinking about him, Ry. I see him in my dreams.” I swing my gaze to James.

“He came to see you too?” I ask eagerly. James’s eyebrows are furrowed.

“What do you mean, came to see me?”

“You said you see him in your dreams?” I don’t want to outright say Jace visited me, but I wanted to know what James means by seeing his face.

“I just mean I keep seeing his huge smile. The—” He sighs and looks down, playing with his hands. “The night of the accident, at the bar, he was so happy.” A tear drops from his eye. “He couldn’t wait to get home to tell you about the vacation, he was showing everyone the pictures and—”

“What are you talking about, what vacation?”I don’t know anything about a vacation. What is he talking about?

James turns ghostly white. “I-I—” He takes a deep breath, then stares into my eyes.

“Ry, I’m so sorry, I thought you knew,” he says, leaving me gutted to the core. Jace booked us a vacation and he never made it home to tell me. I need to find Bridget. She would have known about this.

I stand up, ready to find Bridget, and feel a touch on my hand. I look down at James, and he has no tears left and appears blank, like there is no one there, like he has put a mask on.

“I’m sorry,” he says before standing up and walking away. My eyebrows scrunch as he walks away but then I look around the room for Bridget. I walk past people, frantically asking if anyone has seen her. Someone points over to the corner of the bar, and she’s talking to one of Jace’s cousins. I rush over to her, wanting to know what James was talking about. I don’t even give her a chance to say anything or even wait until she has finished talking.

“Did Jace book us a vacation?” I say as soon as I approach her.

She looks at me wide-eyed and doesn’t say anything, but her reaction says everything I need to know.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I choke out, trying not to let the tears fall.

“It wouldn’t have done you any good knowing, Rylee.”

“I want to know, though. Where was it? When?” I want to know everything, now that I know, it’s going to kill me either way. Jace’s cousin excuses himself while Bridget pats the chair next to her. I sit, not taking my eyes off her.

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