Page 44 of Always. Forever.

Whenever I used to check my outfit or makeup and hair in the mirror, Jace would be lying on the bed because I always took so long to get ready, he would always be waiting for me. He would be on his phone most of the time, but sometimes I would catch him staring at me. Sometimes full of heat, but sometimes full of pure love. He watched me like I was the meaning to life.

I stare at the empty spot on the bed, his side of the bed which is still untouched, and close my eyes in the hopes that when I open them, he will be there staring back at me with that love. I wish this was a nightmare I could wake up from. It’s never going to be, though.

I glance at the bedside clock, realizing I have five minutes before they will be here, I grab my bag and a coat, heading straight out the door before I can think anymore. If I do, I’ll talk myself out of going. I walk outside, the fresh air helping me breathe a little easier. I stand there, looking up at the sky. Listening to the silence. Luckily, our apartment is backed away from the busy roads, so it’s nice and quiet.

I listen to the birds tweeting away, giving a false sense of reality that it’s a happy moment. Birds always sound so happy, but this moment is anything but. I stare up at the blue sky and the beaming sunshine. Weirdly enough, in Baltimore in February, it’s usually icy and gray skies, but the sun is out in full force today. Jace was everyone’s light in their life, his day could be nothing but bright.

I glance up to the road ahead and see the black car in the distance. It slowly crawls toward me. As it pulls up, I let out a breath, not realizing I was holding it in. Boh gets out of the car, walking up to me and pulling me in for a tight hug. I sink into Boh’s hold for a minute.

“Come on, let’s get in the car, Rylee.”

I walk to the car, holding on to Boh for dear life, like he is my lifeline. I don’t want to start everyone off crying, so I try to hold my tears at bay as best as I can as I take a seat inside the car. It’s an open back car, so I take a seat next to Bridget, who is in a beautiful purple knee-length dress. She leans over, giving me a kiss on my cheek, no doubt feeling the wetness there. I smile at her as she grasps my hand in a tight grip, holding on and not letting go. We all need each other today, and I’m so lucky I have them here beside me. Cash and Boh are sitting next to each other, in their dark-gray suits with a navy-blue shirt underneath. I smile at Boh who returns the sad smile, and I look over at Cash, waiting to see his reaction.

I haven’t spoken to him since the hospital. I didn’t text him back that day, but Boh came to the apartment the day after with Cash’s key. He text me before to tell me he would be popping in. He knocked on my bedroom door and popped his head in. I think he could tell I wasn’t ready to talk, so he left me alone pretty quickly. I believe they were wanting photos for the funeral, but I didn’t ask too many questions because the last thing I was thinking about was what photos need to be selected. I know it needed to be done, but it wasn’t something my brain had the capacity to deal with. He peers over, like he is trying to find something. What, I don’t know. I continue to stare at him and let him roam my face, then he nods his head toward me and looks out the window. I sigh and lean back in my seat. I guess we are back to this. I at least thought we would be a united front for today, but I guess not.

When we get close to the church, I’m taken aback by how many people are here, there is a line wrapped around the building. I’m not shocked, Jace was loved more than I have ever known anyone to be loved before, I just didn’t think they would all turn up. And not speaking with anyone this week, I wasn’t sure who would come. I turn to each person in the car, they all have their heads down like it pains them to see how loved Jace was. It’s just another reminder of what we have all lost.

The car pulls up outside the entrance to the church, people are stood to the side so we can have room to get out and look at the flowers that are placed outside the church. I step out of the car, bringing my hand to my mouth and have to hold my sob in when I see the flowers.

“The Hammer,” I choke out, Thor’s hammer. The gray flowers perfectly detail the shape of Thor’s hammer, the color, everything. It’s perfect. I have never seen anything like it. I smile. Jace would love this so much, he would be obsessing over it. I then laugh a little because if he could hear me calling this a hammer, he would give me the biggest lecture and tell me to stop winding him up. I can’t believe they got this. I look over all the other flowers, I see son and nephew, then what I see next has me breaking out into an immediate sob. I clutch my stomach, wishing for the sick feeling to go. I stare at a big red heart in the middle with the initials J & R in blue flowers in the middle. It’s so beautiful. Boh grabs me from behind, holding me close to his chest. I try to stop my sobbing, but it just continues.

As we walk into the church, I stop at the entrance, gasping for air as I see the coffin at the back on a stand, my heart beating too fast for me to catch my breath. I close my eyes, silence falls upon me but also the faint sounds of the birds tweeting away from outside, and the sobbing noises from Bridget. I pinch my thumb to ground me. I can hear, I can feel. A hand touches my shoulder and everything around me comes back to life. I slowly open my eyes, blinking rapidly, trying to keep the tears at bay.

There is a big picture of Jace at the front. This was at one of the birthdays, and it’s one of our favorite pictures of Jace because he was midconversation with me as Bridget called his name, then he turned and looked straight at the camera, with his normal smile on his face and a beer in his hand.

Jace had a will, according to a text Bridget sent me, and he wanted to be cremated. The thought killed me, knowing he won’t be whole anymore, but I have to keep reminding myself he will always live whole in my heart. We haven’t spoken about the ashes, but I trust whatever Cash and the family chose was the right decision. Once we have taken our seats, they let everyone else in, when I turn around, I see familiar faces, some giving me a sad smile, some already crying. This is easily their biggest room, and the seats are filling up fast. Once everyone is in, there are people standing at the back, and it makes me smile inside. I hope he knew how loved he was.

The funeral officiant speaks, but I don’t comprehend a thing as I stare at the remembrance card in my hand. There’s a picture of Jace and I on the back, me smiling at the camera and him looking down at me like I was his everything. The picture is beautiful, and I have never seen it before.I need this framed.I will never again smile like that.

“Rylee.” Bridget nudges me. I glance at her and then up to the funeral officiant, I haven’t heard one thing he said.

“You don’t have to do this,” she whispers, grasping my hands. I then realize it’s time for me to go up and say some words. Bridget had text me during the week, asking if I wanted to, and I did, I still do, but I didn’t plan any words like I wanted to, I couldn’t. I thought it would get easier, but every time I tried, I would just cry. I smile at Bridget. “It’s okay.” I stand up, walking to the front. I look over at the box and then at everyone else. I take a deep breath, thinking how much I want to do him proud.

“I just wanted to firstly say it shows how much Jace was loved by seeing every single one of you. There are hundreds here, this shows how much of a special person he was.” Many people are smiling and nodding their heads.

“As you all know, Jace and I were together for six years.” I swallow the lump already forming. “I still remember the morning after meeting him and waking up in his bed, in his shirt.” It’s then I spot Toni smiling at me. I know she has great memories of Jace as well as me. They were partners in crime against me sometimes. They had a special bond, so I know this has hit her too. “He was so casual like I belonged there, like I had been in his bed and in his shirt every morning.” I smile to myself, thinking back to that morning at how mortified I was after what he had told me.

“I know he knew as much as I did that from that moment, I was his as much as he was mine. He told me when he dropped me home that morning that he would be seeing me again. I then realized only weeks later how utterly in love I was with him. How could you not?” For a split second, the conversation I had with Cash about Jace’s mom pops into my head. She really did miss out on such a special person.

“Jace was the light in everyone’s life. If anyone needed cheering up, just one look at Jace would make you smile.” I smile to myself and see everyone smiling, some crying while also nodding, agreeing with me. I turn, glimpsing the box he’s concealed in. “You promised me always, Jace, but you couldn’t give me forever. I can’t bring myself to say goodbye to you because I know the minute I do, this goodbye will mean forever, and this wasn’t the type of forever I had in my head for us. So, this isn’t goodbye, this is just goodbye for now. See you in my dreams. I love you. Always.” I look down as the tears pour out of my eyes. “Forever,” I whisper.

Boh comes up and wraps his arms around me while I cry into his chest and walks me back to our seats. I sit there like that, crying the rest of the funeral. I wish I could have paid attention to the whole thing, but in all honesty, this isn’t something I ever imagined having or would want to remember. I said my goodbye to Jace back at the hospital, I didn’t want to have to do this again.

Chapter Twenty-Four

Therestofthefuneral is a blur, I cried and cried until the end, and Boh held me the entire time. We are now on our way to the bar that Cash hired out for the evening so everyone could celebrate Jace’s life together. Boh is sporting a brave face today, but I know he’s dying inside. He has always been tight lipped on emotions, he is the joker of the family, but I know he hides a lot behind the laughs and jokes. I wish he wouldn’t, but it’s the way he has always been since I have known him.

Cash has been staring out the window the entire time. I don’t want to go to the bar, I want to go home and get into bed and hope I can smell Jace. It will be like he never left, but Bridget has asked I try for at least an hour.

Toni also approached me at the end of the funeral, when everyone was coming over and passing on their condolences, and asked me to come. She didn’t say it to make me feel bad but reminded me that Jace would have wanted me and everyone else to celebrate his life, and she is right.

There were so many people that Boh had to say at the funeral that unfortunately not everyone could come to the wake as we couldn’t fit everyone. People thankfully understood. I appreciate them, but I blanked people out when the funeral ended and just kept saying my thank-yous and letting the next person approach me. I felt numb toward the end and now I’m drained. I’m here because I need to be, not because I want to be. I want to be at home, on my own, not surrounded by people either crying, laughing, or being drunk and crying. I can’t think of anything worse.

I sit at a table on my own, watching everyone around me but not paying attention to everything they are doing. To people, I will appear fine, and that is what I want. I don’t want them hovering around me, thinking they need to be with me or keep asking if I’m okay. Of course I’m not okay, it’s a stupid question to ask people when they have just lost someone, but we all do it, because what else do you say? Toni comes up to me with a drink in her hand and pushes it into my face.

“Drink.”

“I didn’t really want to drink tonight, Ton.” I wince.

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