Page 43 of Always. Forever.

“I want you to reach into your pocket for me.” At first, I frown, then I realize.

“I want you to take a kiss out, you know the ones we save for when we need them most. This is that time, Ry.”

I nod while silently crying. This is the time, this is why we started doing this. I reach into my pj pocket and pull out one of our air kisses.

“I have it,” I choke out.

“Hold it to your face.”

I hold my hand to my cheek and press into it, holding it there and not letting go.

“Remember a few months back when Jace was laughing at us doing the air kisses like he always does.” She pauses, waiting for me to tell her I remember.

“Yes.” We were in the kitchen and Toni was getting ready to leave, and before walking out, she turned around and said, “Love ya,” blowing a kiss and watching me catch it. Toni looked over my shoulder and smiled before I turned around, and Jace was very obviously trying to hold a laugh in. Then he burst out laughing, saying sorry but it makes him laugh every time. I clearly pouted at him which made him stop laughing and said if he ever blew me a kiss, I better catch it. At that moment, he blew me one and I caught it and put it in my pocket. He asked why I didn’t use it there and then, and I told him I would save it for a day I needed it. Dragging myself out of that memory, the tears are falling like a waterfall down my face.

“This is the kiss, Rylee. The kiss you are holding to your face now is the kiss that Jace blew you that day, the one you said you will hold until you need it,” she sobs out.

My shoulders shake as the tsunami of tears flow. I cry my heart out, still holding my hand to my face. This is the kiss I needed. I tell myself I can feel his lips touching my cheek and imprinting on me. I don’t want to pull my hand away because I know I will lose that feeling, the feeling that Jace is right next to me, holding his lips to my cheek.

“Thank you, Toni. Thank you so much,” I cry out to her.

“Don’t thank me, Rylee. Just promise me you won’t ever give up. Please. I need you as much as you need me. I’m not doing life without you in it.”

“I won’t give up,” I softly say to her, “I promise.”

“I love you, Ry.”

“I love you too, Ton.” We stay on the phone in silence. She listened to me cry, which is what I needed, but she also gave me something even more. Jace’s kiss. I know some people will say it’s not a kiss. To them, no, but it has always worked for us on our worst days. Knowing I have had Jace’s kiss makes my chest feel a little lighter. No, it won’t last, but it is nice for now.

I turn over, holding the phone to my ear while Toni lightly sings on the other end, it’s quiet enough to know she is singing to herself, but it lulls me into a sense of comfort. I know it will send me into a deep sleep any minute. The thought of seeing Jace’s face after the kiss makes a ghost of a smile grace my lips. I might see him once I close my eyes.I can only wish.

I wake up a while later with a throbbing headache, which I can only assume was a concoction of all the crying and no hydration. I stretch a little, feeling how much my body aches. I slowly sit up, as I’m slightly dizzy. My shoulders slump as if my body is begging me to lie back down, but I need to get a drink. I head to the kitchen with my blinders on. I don’t want all the reminders kicking me in the face at every turn.As if I can escape the reminders, Jace is in my head every minute of the day.I grab a cold bottle of water out of the fridge, all the food in there has no doubt gone bad, but I have no energy to sort any of it out. It can rot for all I care. My stomach growls at the thought of food. Even though my body is calling out for it, I dry heave. I drag myself back to bed. I have more missed calls and texts. One of the last text messages was from Toni.

Toni:Sleep tight, angel. Just drop me a little message each day to let me know you’re okay, please. I will give you this week, but I will be around to see you next week, Ry. Even if I have to drive to Cash’s and get the spare key.

At least she is giving me the rest of this week. I don’t even know what the day is, let alone how far into the week I am. I notice a missed call from Cash, which is odd. We haven’t spoken since that day everyone’s world came crashing down. Bridge keeps ringing and texting, and I send her the same as I sent Toni. I know they are all grieving and hurting, and I just don’t know if us all grieving together is the best thing, well, for me it’s not. I then see a text from Cash. I open it up and am shocked at what I’m reading.

Cash:Rylee, I wanted to come over and go through some things of Jace’s photos, etc. Can you let me know when I can do this. I have a key so I can come around when you’re not in, if easier?

I scoff. Yeah, it would be easier. After the way he acted toward me over the last couple of weeks and toward me in general, I don’t want to see him. I get he’s feeling pain like nothing else too, but he has been so unfair toward me over the last six years, he can fucking wait. He was nice the day we had to say our goodbyes to Jace, but that doesn’t make up for all the years he was shitty toward me for no reason. Anyway, the last thing I need right now is to see Cash, it’s like a kick in the gut. He isn’t the image of Jace, but you can see the resemblance. However, it’s the eyes. Jace definitely took his dad’s eyes, and that is not something I can deal with. I don’t text Cash back, instead I wrap myself up further in the covers and continue to chase Jace’s smell and pray he will come and see me. The continued exhaustion takes me under.

Chapter Twenty-Three

Istarepastmyselfin the mirror. Just staring. I have never felt so drained in all my life. All I have done is sleep the last eight days. I feel like I have gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson, and I look it too, to be honest. My whole face is swollen, I can barely open my eyes from all the crying, I have huge lumps on my eyelids, and my skin is breaking out like a hormonal teenager’s. How I have black circles under my eyes I will never know, I have slept my life away the last week. I haven’t cared about myself or my appearance. I think I have showered maybe three times, if I remember right. I showered today, but I was ready to crawl back into bed as soon as I stepped out.

The effort of sitting at the dressing table and getting ready has taken every ounce of strength I have. It was Bridget ringing me that made me get up. She told me the car will pick me up at 11:00 a.m. Today is the day we say our final goodbye to Jace. I kept thinking as the days went on, I would accept it more, but I don’t. I don’t think I ever will.

I have had so much time to think this week, I can’t help but ask why. Why did he take the Xanax and Valium, why did he get in that car, but I know I will never get those answers, because the only person that can tell us that is no longer here. I have put myself in a state this week trying to wrap my head around it, trying to think of the weeks leading up to what happened if I noticed him being extra tired or if he was stressed. Work stressed Jace but the same amount it would stress anyone with a large workload. It’s not Jace, and this is what I’m struggling to accept. I’m not saying he wouldn’t take Xanax or Valium, but he wouldn’t hide it or not tell me, or at least Cash. I just can’t get my head around it. I know this is playing on Cash’s mind too, but we have to let it go, we have no choice but to.

My phone chimes, signaling I have a text message.

Toni:I love you, see you soon

As much as I’m dreading seeing everyone, I can’t wait for a hug from her and to see her, smell her. Jace always felt like home, but Toni is like the home away from home for me. I can be myself around her and act how I want, and she would never think any less of me and vice versa. She knows when I need to laugh, cry, and scream without me even saying anything, so I know today she will be my rock.

I continue getting ready, I don’t care what I look like, but I owe it to Jace to at least try. I pile the concealer under my eyes, trying to cover the black circles, and dab away at the tops of my eyes, but it does nothing for me. My eyes are so swollen. I apply a tiny bit of waterproof mascara and that’s it.

Bridget text me during the week, telling me, if I was okay with it, we were going to not wear black. Jace was full of sunshine and happiness, and we want his day to reflect that. I look on the bed at the royal-blue dress I picked out today. As soon as I saw it, it reminded me of his eyes. That unique blue I will never see again. The dress is a plain, midi-style with three-quarter length sleeves. I actually remember buying it, and the only reason I did was because it reminded me of his eyes. I have never worn it, I just left it in the closet. I pull my hair back in a ponytail, not bothering to style it. My body is shutting down on me already. I slip myself into the dress and look in the mirror. I stare at the blank space behind me.

---