Page 39 of Always. Forever.

“I would ask how you are all doing but I know that will be a silly question,” the doctor starts off.

Everyone just stays silent because what are you meant to say to that.Yes, doctor that would be.We’re staring at him, waiting to see what he will say, even though we all know deep down what the inevitable is.

“Following on from yesterday . . .” He pauses, looking at each of us, it’s like you can feel the impending doom just from his gaze.

“We need to speak about when you would like to turn Jace’s machine off.”

I don’t say anything.How can I tell someone to turn my boyfriend’s breathing machine off? How can I tell someone when I will be okay with that?I will never be okay with it. Never will I be okay with not seeing or speaking to the person I love most in this world again.

No one speaks, Bridget looks down at the floor while crying. Cash stares at a spot on the floor, not saying a word. Boh scans me with tears in his eyes, helpless and not knowing what to do. Me? I just stand here, numb. No tears, no feelings. Nothing.When did this happen?Everyone stays silent, and as much as I’m numb, I still don’t think I can bring myself to speak. I don’t know what I would say. Beg them not to turn it off, pray for a miracle and hope his brain miraculously starts working again. The doctor continues looking between us and then places his hands together on the table.

“I know this must be hard for you, but—”

“Have you got a son?” Cash asks, narrowing his eyes at the doctor, the blackness and large bags under them are proof of the lack of sleep and constant crying.

As if the doctor has had this question asked to him a dozen times, he simply shakes his head at Cash and calmly states, “No, Mr. Stiles. I don’t.”

“So that question you just asked, you don’t know how that feels, then, do you?” Cash says with a bite to his tone.

“No, I don’t. I have all sympathy—”

“Then you cannot sit there and ask such a question as if we are expected to tell you,” he spits, staring back at the spot he was staring at before.

“I will give you some more time, but this is something you need to think about.” The doctor rushes out before Cash can bite anything back. We are all now just sitting in silence. Boh is the first to speak up.

“I . . . I guess I should call around and—” He can’t even finish before he breaks out in a sob.

Bridge walks over to him, crying while Cash stands and leaves the room in angry strides.

I walk out and head back to Jace’s room. I would rather spend all the time I can with him. I don’t know what is wrong with me and why everything has gone numb.

I lean up against the door in Jace’s room, staring at him, watching his chest rise and fall.

I know what Boh meant when he said he will ring round. He is going to ring people to come say their goodbyes. How, I don’t know, Jace is loved by everyone. He would have people lined up out the doors. No one has been to visit him. We just didn’t want people seeing him like this, and we knew Jace wouldn’t have wanted that, but what are we to do now. We have no choice. That decision was taken out of our hands.

This will be the last image of Jace in their heads. Bandages wrapped around his beautiful face. Wires coming out of his body. A fucking machine breathing for him. It’s not Jace at all. It’s not our Jace. The worst thing is they won’t see that big infectious smile that would light up a whole room and those blue eyes shining like the biggest star. People gravitate toward Jace, and I don’t blame them. He draws people in and then they don’t want to leave, they don’t not want to know Jace. His personality is as infectious as him. He is the most amazing person I have ever met. Now the world is going to take that from us.

I blink open my eyes to see Rowan standing there staring at Jace with tears trickling down his face. I move my arm which makes his eyes clash with mine. Rowan has been Jace’s best friend since they were kids, they were inseparable, he had the pleasure of watching Jace grow up.

“How did this happen, Ry. I can’t say goodbye to him,” he sobs out while his shoulders shake. He brings his hands to his face and cries loud into them. I stand up, walk over to him, and embrace him. Letting our grief and hurt support each other. We stand there for what feels like an eternity. Our tears dry up and we just stand there staring at Jace.

I kiss Rowan on the cheek and tell him I will give him time. I walk out, not being able to see anyone say their goodbyes. I don’t know how I’m going to do it, but there is no way I can watch anyone else. I walk out the fire escape door, needing some fresh air and silence. Cash is standing there staring at nothing in particular and doesn’t even hear me walk up beside him. We just stand there in silence. He knows I’m standing here, but we just let the slight breeze lap against our face. The fresh air makes you feel a little lighter, it’s like the hospital is a cage and being out here is freedom. That’s when Cash brings a cigarette to his mouth. I have never seen him smoke before, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t smoke but if anything would make someone start the up the habit, this is it. I’m not about to address the cigarette, I don’t blame him.

“You know, as a child, Jace always had the tendency to make people smile with just a look,” Cash says, still staring ahead. I stand there in complete silence, wanting to know everything about Jace as child. I’m jealous that I wasn’t there, that I didn’t know him through most of his life.

“The big blue eyes he has, they were even more pronounced as a child. With his small little round face and a smile that would light up the whole solar system.” Cash clears his throat, taking a long pull from the white stick.

“He was even the perfect baby. You wouldn’t hear a murmur out of him, then the minute you would go check on him he would just lie there, looking at you with the biggest smile on his face. He was such a happy baby, child, and adult.” Cash has tears sliding down his cheeks, one by one. I don’t know if he would want me to comfort him. We rarely communicate, so I don’t really know how to act with him now.

“Sorry,” he rushes out, wiping his face with his arm.

“Don’t be sorry, Cash. You have nothing to be sorry about.” I lay my hand on his arm, which causes him to flinch while his shoulders hunch up. I don’t remove it because I think this is what Cash needs. Someone to just be here and listen, it’s what we all need. His shoulders slowly relax. I run my hand up and down his arm, wanting him to continue talking about Jace. I want to know every minute of every day of Jace’s life, it will make me feel like I haven’t missed out if I know everything.

“Even now, Rylee, I look at him and think, how did I get so lucky to have such an amazing son. How did an asshole like me end up with him?” He studies me as if I have the answer, and to be honest, I don’t because I have wondered the exact same thing, multiple times.

“He definitely got his hardworking genes from you, Cash,” I say, hoping this will make him feel even an inch better.

“I wouldn’t say that is a good thing, Rylee. He always worked too much, just like me. I even asked him to stop doing the hours he was doing, but he never listened. He loved his job and what he did.” Cash looks down at the ground. “I just wish he had done more in life instead of dedicating so much to work,” he whispers, still staring at the floor. The cigarette he is holding is burning down, nearly to his fingers. I grab it out of his hand and throw it on the ground, stamping on it. I pick it up and walk over to the bin. When I walk back to Cash, he’s staring straight at me for the first time since being out here.

---