Page 57 of Heart of a Rebel

“Can I offer you a little advice?” Merry ticks a pierced eyebrow up at me. “You and Adrian are blind to what’s in front of you. And even if you saw it, I worry you’re both too damn professional to do anything. But you deserve to be happy, Eloise. So tell me, do you like him?”

“I—”love him. But I can’t say that. “I guess.”

“Adrian’s a gentleman to a fault.” Merry smiles. “He isn’t going to cross a line with you, no matter how much he wants to. And trust me, the man might be hard to read, but it’s blatantly obvious he wants to.”

Cassie laughs and nods her head.

“I think I understand why you’ve been careful, and I get that.” Merry squeezes my arms. “But girl, you’ve suffered long enough. Everyone deserves a little recklessness in their life, even you.”

“And what if I can’t?”

Merry takes a step back, dipping her thumbs in her pockets and skimming me from head to toe. A smile ticks up in the corner of her mouth. “I’ve got faith in you, girl. But don’t wait too long. The man isn’t going to be single forever.”

My tongue swells in my mouth because she’s right. If his relationship with Becca is any indication, he’s getting more comfortable with the idea of settling down the older he gets. He’s in his thirties now, and no doubt looking for a lasting relationship like the guys in the band seem to be. But I made myself clear to him that we could never be more than friends, so even if Merry and Cassie are right, he’ll never act on it with me.

Adrian would never cross a boundary I didn’t want to be crossed. It’s one of the things I respect about him. But it also has left us in this stalemate. Both of us standing on either side of the fence, never once reaching for the latch.

Safety.

Comfort.

Security.

The same things that draw Adrian and me together are what keep us apart. And how long am I willing to let it happen? If I’m truly ready to face the other side of this, it means standing in front of my feelings for Adrian and not looking away. It means deciding whether I’m willing to lose him or not.

Thinking he was going to marry Becca was bad enough. If I keep waiting, he’s going to move on for good at some point.

I should know. I’m already thinking about moving forward myself by debating what I’m going to do after this tour. What happens if we do go on a hiatus, even for just a little bit? Am I ready to walk away from the band—from him?

My head spins at the thought of Adrian not being at my side every day. Of not seeing his face every time I walk off stage. Of not having him check on me when I’ve been a little too distant for a little too long.

He’s the one man in the world who looks at me like I can be Eloise Kane or just Eloise, and it’s all the same.

“Think about it.” Merry smiles, probably already noticing I am.

She turns, and she and Cassie start peeling open face mask wrappers. With one tug they are already a mess, and Merry points out that she said this was a bad idea from the start. But I barely hear them. In my head, I’m already stuck on the carousel that Merry placed me on.

For years I’ve been a fraction of who I am, worried there was nothing left. The world may look at me and think they’re seeing Eloise Kane, but it was a projection of my mask. While they called me a voice for women everywhere, I was a woman failing myself in every way.

I became the victim.

But no more.

If someone thinks they can scare me, control me, or temper me, they’ve got another thing coming. I’m stepping forward and ready to melt the ice that froze me. He didn’t destroy me because I survived. I’m here.

Opening up to the band was my first real step forward in years, and I’m itching to take another.

There’s a fire creeping through the cold places inside me, begging to break free, to burn bright, to light me up. I’m finally ready to take what’s mine, and no one is going to stop me.

21

Adrian

I’mfuckingbeat.

Every time we near the end of a tour it wears on me, and this one is no different. The crew is tired. The band is tired.

Fuck, I’m tired.

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