Page 44 of Heart of a Rebel

“What’s going on, Eloise?” He takes another step closer, but Sebastian stays in place, looking between us. “I can’t help if I don’t know what’s happening.”

Now, Sebastian does step forward, and they’re both closing in.

“Does this have something to do with how you’ve been—”

My gaze narrows as I look in Sebastian’s direction and he’s smart enough to not finish his sentence.

The last thing I need right now is to be chastised for my mood. If they only knew.

If they only knew.

But that’s the problem, isn’t it. I can’t hold onto this forever. What started as something I buried, was eventually mended through therapy, but that never made it actually go away. One night will always be in the fabric of who I am.

Acceptance.

My therapist said it was the final step, and I now realize I never took it. Not that she wanted me to accept what that monster of a man did to me, but that I had to accept it would now forever be a real part of me to decide how I lived with. I would have to learn how to make it my strength instead of my destruction.

“El?” Sebastian says, and I realize I’ve been drifting again.

Tears pool in my eyes, and I’m powerless to stop them from streaming down my face. I want to run, to hide. But there’s no going back. The police will be here any minute and I’m going to have to say the words out loud.

That can’t be how Adrian and Sebastian hear it.

Closing my eyes, I take a measured breath, and try not to feel the invisible hands from my nightmares on my skin. I open them and face Adrian and Sebastian, letting out an exhale I want to disappear with.

I dig deep and find that courage I’m always talking about. The strength I speak about in interviews. The power I urge girls to fight for. I grab onto it, hoping it’s enough to prevent me from falling apart.

“Six years ago…” The ground shakes, or maybe it’s in my head. My body vibrates with the words clogging my mouth. I drop my eyes to the floor and remind myself I’m on solid ground.

“Eloise?” Adrian takes a step closer.

I tighten my grip on the daisy necklace I’m still holding and look Adrian in the eyes. “Six years ago, I was raped. And the man who left the flowers is the one who did it.”

16

Eloise

Sebastian’sgazeismurderous.While Adrian is staring so intently, I’m convinced he might be trying to snap something in half with his mind. And both of them are looking in my direction, seated across from me at the table on my tour bus.

I can almost hear the plants growing in their pots around me in the silence.

Not that I should have expected anything else. While I feel like a weight has finally been lifted, I know it’s only because Adrian and Sebastian have taken my place under it as they’ve listened to what I had to say.

When I first started spilling my truth, it felt like pulling out fingernails one at a time. But the more I told my story, I felt the weight of it melt away with every admission.

Reliving the night Adrian dropped me off at my room.

The floor moving beneath as my blood swished with whatever was slipped into my drink at the club.

The man who followed me into the darkness.

It might be blurry and hard to recall, but it doesn’t make it any less present. Especially the next morning when things were clear. Except, I kept those details to myself as I told Adrian and Sebastian because I’m not sure I’m ready to let those memories out of the dark yet.

When I woke up the next morning, I was only wearing a shirt. At first, I prayed it had all been a nightmare, but then I looked down. Knowing—feeling what happened. A sick feeling burst out of me as I ran to the toilet and puked up my insides.

I barely managed to make it to the hospital, while also avoiding the band. And when I finally did, I had to relive it all over again as the nurse inspected, took samples, and assessed.

I spent the entire next day getting in and out of the shower, waiting for the water to wash all the way through me. But there was no getting clean enough. Even years later I can feel the specks in places no bath or therapist can reach.

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