Page 54 of Heart of a Rebel

I want to ask her the same questions she asked me. I want to know what she feels like she’s given up for her dreams. But I’m not sure it’s fair to make her face the answer with everything she’s going through right now, so I stay silent.

“Do you want to get married someday, Adrian?” she asks, surprising me.

“If it feels right.”

I’m not sure if anything ever will. Every relationship I’ve been in has always felt temporary because I’ve seen enough to know anyone I care about eventually leaves in one form or another. So I’ve buried myself in my work.

A wife, a family… those are things I’m smart enough not to imagine.

“What happened with you and Becca?” Eloise rests her arm along the back of the couch, and I wish I was brave enough to brush away the rogue strand that tumbles over her face. “You two seemed happy. Not that I spent much time around her. But you were, right?”

“I guess,” I say, not really sure ifhappyis an emotion I’d use to classify anything anymore. “She was great. But she deserved more.”

“More than you wanted to give her?”

“More than I could.”

Eloise frowns. “This life will do that to you.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

My heart was sectioned off years ago. Pieces cut out and handed off. No matter how hard I’ve tried, there’s no more of me to give. Anything left still resides with the owners I assigned years ago, like the brunette sitting in front of me.

Eloise’s eyes pinch, and I know she’s trying to read me. She’s better at it than anyone. To most, I’m an impenetrable wall. But her fingers always find their way through.

“That day we left Fairfield—”

“You don’t need to talk about that,” I say, already sensing the turmoil brewing behind her words.

“I do.” She shakes her head. “Because I lied to you, and you deserve to know that.”

Taking a deep breath, my chest feels like it’s running out of room. I remember the day Eloise is talking about clearly. Her standing in front of me saying that everything that happened between us was a mistake. For years, I believed I’d crossed a line I shouldn’t have. And ever since finding out the truth about what happened to her in LA, I’ve wondered what about that particular day was in my head and what wasn’t.

“After what happened, I didn’t know what to do.” Eloise drops her gaze to where her fingers are digging at a hole forming in the knee of her worn-out sweats. “For a long time, I didn’t think I’d ever know myself again. And it made it really hard to face anything. At that moment, I knew the only thing that mattered was getting through the day. I couldn’t let the guys down—let you down.”

Her stare flicks up at me and she grips her thighs like she’s bracing herself.

“I was scared.” Her eyes pinch. “I didn’t know who I was, or how I felt. My feelings for you got mixed up in everything else, and it was too much to process.”

“I understand.” I reach out and plant my hand over hers. It feels like gravity grounding me in place when our skin connects.

She shakes her head. “I never stopped caring about you.”

Eloise holds my hand in hers, but she’s not looking at me anymore. Her eyes are off, and I’m not sure if she’s avoiding me or whatever her admission stirred up.

“El.” I squeeze her hand and she looks at me. “I never stopped caring about you either.”

I’m not sure if we’re talking about friendship or something more. I’m not sure it matters. Because it feels like this is what we’ve needed to say for years, and I don’t have an urgent need to analyze it.

Life on the road is chaos in so many ways. Amplified by overstimulation. It might be the quiet in this hotel room in Phoenix, or it might be the truth escaping. But somehow, for the first time since I graduated high school and joined the military, in this moment, I’m sitting completely still.

Eloise’s deep brown eyes are focused on me, the pupils so large they almost swallow all the gold in them. The scent of her floral shampoo hangs in the air, reminding me what a shame it is that she’s ever felt anything less than the beauty she radiates inside and out because she has the power to bloom miracles within the most damaged hearts, including my own.

There’s a life force she embodies. I’d like to drink it down and remember what life feels like again. But I wouldn’t dare drain the parts I know she needs to find her way out of whatever darkness she’s been hiding in.

“You should get some sleep,” I say, pulling my hand away and feeling suddenly cold.

She rolls her lips between her teeth, and I’d like to think she’s as torn as I am. Like those two people who couldn’t resist each other years ago are barely beneath the surface begging to get out. But I know it’s too much to hope for after everything she’s been through.

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