Page 40 of Heart of a Rebel

After all, Adrian isAdrian.

No matter how many times I tell myself I’m the one who wanted him to stop pursuing me and it’s for the best, I still don’t believe it. And no matter how obvious it is he’s moved on and there’s no point wallowing in what could have been, being in such close quarters is bringing up all kinds of feelings.

Two knocks strike the door, making me jump.

“El?” Adrian’s voice comes from the other side.

I stand up and start pacing. “One minute.”

It’s like he can sense me sitting in here thinking about him because I swear a few minutes ago Merry was still here recording and they were in the basement.

I walk over to the mirror and run my fingers through my stick straight hair and try to give it the volume it’s lacking. When I’m not on tour, I look like a dim version of myself. No makeup, flat hair, no leather outfits. It’s unnerving. Because without the façade to hide behind, he might realize I’m no one anymore. Not even the girl I lost years ago.

The same time you lost him.

I shake the thought and walk to the door, swinging it open and hoping I look more confident than I feel. Adrian has one forearm propped against the doorframe. His gaze skims downward, and I feel my legs prickle. I forgot I was wearing an oversized T-shirt, and nothing else.

His stare snaps to mine in a way that makes me feel caught… seen… bare. He’s always had the power to strip me to the bone at one glance, whether he realizes it or not.

“What’s up?” I swallow at the lump in my throat.

Adrian stands up tall and crosses his arms over his chest as he does whenever he’s closing himself off from something. “I’m heading out, do you need anything while I’m gone?”

I should be thankful that he’s always checking in on me when he comes and goes. How he stocks the kitchen with my favorite things and makes sure I have everything I need. But it’s just a reminder of the relationship he and I can never have, so all it does is make me sad.

“No.” I cross my arms over my chest and let my gaze fall to the clock on the wall. “Besides, I doubt they’ll have anything I need where you’re going.”

It’s eleven thirty at night, so I know he’s not going on a grocery run.

Adrian’s been spending lots of time with Rome and Noah at strip clubs. And while he might not explicitly say it, I have a feeling he’s doing it to avoid me.

“That’s not…” Adrian lets out a deep breath and runs his palms over his face.

“You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Adrian. I was just pointing out a fact. I’m fine. Go have fun.” I force a smile, because even if it does rile up unwanted irritation every time I know Adrian is out with random women, I know I have no right to feel it.

“I’m not going out with Rome and Noah,” he says.

“Okay…”

It might just be my imagination, but I swear the air is full of static. The hair on the back of my neck is standing on its ends and the energy between us is unbalanced. Something about the look in Adrian’s eyes makes them empty and disconnected.

He’s the same wall I’ve been staring at for years now. Both of us shut down and pretending nothing existed beyond him being my manager. Even if deep down in me rivers run beneath with a truth no one knows about.

“El…” He runs his palm over his face once more, and I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him look this nervous.

I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly feeling like I need a barrier to protect me from whatever he’s about to say. “You can tell me. Friends, remember?”

Every time I say the wordfriends, it feels like a lie. But I bury my own feelings, knowing there’s something else going on.

“I’m seeing someone,” Adrian says, pressing his lips together right after.

It takes me a moment to process what he said. Because at first, I think I must have heard him wrong.

When Adrian and I agreed to keep it professional between us, we did. We might be friendly to each other for the sake of the band, but we don’t talk about our relationships with other people.

Not that I've had one.

But here he is, mentioning he’s dating someone, and my stomach drops.

---