Page 187 of More than Friends

I just smile at her. “No, I can definitely tell. Youarea pretty good actress, but I can tell. You’ve never faked it with me before, have you?”

She shakes her head. “I haven’t.”

“You didn’t need to do that.” I say, brushing her hair back from her face.

“I wanted to,” she says. “I would have felt bad if neither of us had come. You wouldn’t have been able to come if I wasn’t into it.”

I laugh. “You say that like it’s a bad thing. Yes, I wouldn’t have been able to come if you were just lying there looking stressed out.”

She just shakes her head and grins.

“What can I do now for you?” I say moving my hand down her stomach. She catches my hand and moves it back.

“Nothing.” She sits up. “It’s not happening tonight. I’m too in my head. Next time will be better. I won’t be so stressed.”

She kisses me on the cheek and then checks her watch. “I should go to my room. Ian’s going to need to eat again soon.”

“Need me to do anything?” I ask.

She kisses my cheek again. “No.”

After she leaves, I run my hands over my face. “Fuck,” I say to no one. “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.”

I almost told her I love her while I was fucking her. God, what is wrong with me? Why would I say that?

I stare at the ceiling turning it all over in my head– all the things we’ve been through together these past few years. The good and the bad. I think about all of crazy places we’ve fucked each other. I think about the times we’ve made love slowly and tenderly. I think about spooning with her, pregnant with my son, my arm draped around her. I think about the way she looks with Ian in her arms, breastfeeding him. I think about how much I love hanging out with her. I think about how I love being in the same room with her, how we don’t even need to be speaking. I think about how much I miss her when we aren’t together. I think about how empty my bed feels now that she’s left.

My lungs don’t feel like they’re getting enough air. I sit up abruptly and gasp for breath.

Maggie. Maggie. Maggie.

I love her. I do love her. I’ve loved her for years.

I love her. I love her. I love her.

She doesn’t love me. I’ve loved her for years, but she doesn’t love me back. I know she doesn’t feel the same way. We’re connected forever, but we’ll never be together. My stomach turns cold. I can’t tell her. I can’t risk losing her entirely.

I fall back onto the bed and let my head rest on the pillow. I look over at the other side of the bed. The pillow still deflated from where her head rested just minutes ago. I can’t do it again. I can’t be with her again.

I have to end this.

There’s a sharp pain in my chest – my heart cracking open. I have to end this. There’s no other way this plays out.

Sterling Family Group Text

Keene: Where the hell is Declan this morning?

Zadie: I saw him stomp out of the main building early this morning.

Juno: What’s his problem?

Brooklyn: Maybe he didn’t sleep well.

Eli: Yeah. I’m sure that’s it.

Brooklyn: Is that sarcasm?

Eli: Of course, it’s sarcasm. It’s pretty obvious what has Declan all worked up.

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