Page 66 of Kings & Chaos

That was penance too, because if I couldn’t actually bury myself inside her, imagining burying myself inside her was the next best thing.

My cock was still hard when I finally shut off the water, my skin tingling from the freezing water. I gave my body a cursory swipe with the towel, then looked at the door to Willa’s room.

I was tempted to open it, but she’d probably locked it, and even if she hadn’t, being alone with Willa in a bedroom was a monumentally bad idea given how worked up I’d gotten in the shower.

The whole situation was fucked.

I wrapped the towel around my waist and headed back to my room.

I’d been tired when I came upstairs from dinner — tired was one of two default modes when I was around my dad, the other being enraged — but now I was amped, my hunger for Willa racing through my veins like adrenaline.

“You stupid fuck,” I muttered to myself.

It shouldn’t matter that I’d pushed her away. I’d been doing that for the last three months, ever since she’d arrived at the house.

But this time had felt different. Sheknew. She remembered. And she still wanted me, even if she did still hate me.

Being my dad’s punching bag had been my secret humiliation. In our world, nothing was more shameful than being beaten, and I’d been beaten more times than I could count.

My father had a front row seat to my shame, and I saw it in his eyes every time he looked at me, that mean light that said:I know you’re a coward. I’ve seen you cry. I’ve seen you beg.

And that’s why I’d pushed Willa away in the shower.

Before, the distance I’d kept between us had been for her. To keep her safe, because caring about me was a fucking death sentence.

This time the distance had been for me. To keep me safe, because caring about her was going to destroy me.

Maybe not now, but eventually, when she left.

It fuckinghurthow much I loved her. Enough to brand her face on my fucking skin. To wear her forever like a goddamn good luck charm.

But the only thing that could hurt worse than secretly loving her was Willa knowing I loved her. Men in the family didn’t do love.

We did ownership. We did control.

Breaking the unspoken rule, falling in love with the girl who’d once tried to save me when she had no business being so brave, was the ultimate weakness, and I didn’t want to be weak for Willa.

Didn’t want her to see me weak ever again.

And beyond that, there was something even bigger. Something I didn’t even dare think.

My mom’s face swam in my mind and I pushed it away.

All of my reasons for keeping my distance from Willa were valid, but that didn’t mean I should push her to the fucking floor.

I fisted one of my hands and squeezed it in the palm of my other one.

You’re just likehim. Shoving her. Hurting her.

Now she’d think I was exactly what she’d always assumed I was: a fucking dick.

Okay, I was a fucking dick. But I wasn’t a violent one.

Not to her anyway. Never to her.

I took a deep breath, blew it out slowly, tried to get control of myself. It wasn’t too late. Thanks to our warped parents, who either didn’t pick up on the fact that Willa and I were both less than thrilled to be home for Thanksgiving or didn’t care, we’d be here for another day.

I could make this up to her. I could make this up to her and still keep my distance.

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