Page 22 of Dangerous Chaos

“I think sometimes we paid for Mama’s habit. Why else would grown men, some so old you just knew they knew better, want anything to do with kids? I never understood that. Maybe they were so strung out they just didn’t know the difference because they were too removed from reality. Grown-ass people preying on children. It’s always been the thing I loathe worst in the world.”

“I can imagine,” she said. “No one, especially a child, should go through something so horrific a single time, much less a regular occurrence.”

“Yeah, and what did that say about Mama?”

“I have no words, Wit.”

“Oh, I have plenty, darlin’.” He let out an awkward chuckle. “There are many words for that woman.”

He paused and took his time. Either collecting thoughts or reliving them –– maybe both.

“When she would sober up, I think she knew, and it was too much to bear, and that’s why she had to have the next fix. You can’t feel bad about that shit if you can’t feel nothin’ at all. It couldn’t have been easy for her knowing her own demons were living and preying on her children. I’m not excusing her at all, mind you, just something I kinda leaned into over the years to make sense of something with no sense about it, ya know?”

Ayelish nodded.

“I think she loved us, or she wouldn’t have kept us around, right? She could have surrendered us or whatever it is you do with your children when you know you aren’t good…for them. She just needed those drugs more.” He looked at Ayelish. “Can you imagine something with its grip on you so tight, it’s the only thing you can choose –– to the point it ain’t even a choice, really. Isn’t that wild to think about?”

“How… how old were the three of you?”

“Old enough to know it was wrong. All of it,” he said.

“And nobody helped you? Surely there were signs of distress at home. A teacher? Doctor? A-A neighbor?”

“We moved a lot and did a lot of couch surfing. Never really went to school regularly in those early years, so no teachers. We definitely didn’t go to the doctor. The places we lived in were those where neighbors didn’t get acquainted with one another. You stuck to your own and didn’t bother puttin’ your nose anywhere but your own business.”

“Wow, that’s…”

“Oh, I know.” He paused, tossing back the last of what was in his glass before setting it down in lieu of a refill. “I know. I remember when we got our own place. A small house on a corner. Convenient for Mama’s new business, which was much like her old business just in a different house. Addicts and Johns came through at all hours. I don’t think she paid rent there, if I’m being honest. I think she worked for the homeowner. I don’t know why I think that, but I do. Maybe it’s some suppressed memory having its way with me, or whatever they call those.”

“Maybe,” Ayelish said. “Our minds do that. Try to protect us from harm, and sometimes that means we don’t have a clear picture. Hard to know what was real and what wasn’t. But it’s okay, Wit. You don’t have to remember those things if you don’t want to.”

“Yeah. Suppose you’re right,” he said. “We’d hide in the closet. I do remember that. We’d be real quiet and not let anyone know we were in the house. It worked most of the time. Smelled somethin’ fierce in there. Sometimes we’d be in there so long, one of us would have an accident and wet ourselves, but we’d rather have that than be known.”

Ayelish’s eyes filled with emotion, and Wit watched a lone tear trail down her cheek, then leaned forward and swiped it away.

“I’m sorry, honey,” he said. “I can stop if…”

“No.” She was quick to interject. “I’m here for this. All of it. I will listen to everything you want or need to say, Wit. You deserve to be heard. I’m listening.”

His head bobbed. “It’s kinda weird, right? Talkin’ ’bout this feels unnatural. Not like me.”

“Probably because you’ve come such a long way. You aren’t anywhere near that part of your life anymore,” she said. “To do what you do, love like you love after all that… it’s pretty incredible. You’re pretty incredible.”

“I didn’t think so back then. I felt more helpless than anything. I mean, I was a kid and all, but that didn’t matter. I felt like I should do better or could do better. Kind of a lot for a kid in hindsight.” He chuckled. “I held myself to pretty impossible standards. I had no resources, no help, zero know-how…”

“I think that’s a testament to why you so fiercely protect those you care about now and where your unwavering loyalty comes from.” She pasted on a small smile. “It’s what everyone admires most about you. You’d take a bullet for each and every one of us without hesitation. You have for several of us.”

“Yeah. I have taken my share of bullets. It’s my job, I feel like. Protect those who can’t protect themselves at the moment.” He shrugged. “It’s my purpose, I suppose.”

She bobbed her head in agreement. “Maybe. You’re a protector. I understand where that instinct comes from now. You literally jump in front of bullets, fast-moving vehicles…save tiny squirrels.”

A crooked grin crossed his expression. “Didn’t even think of that squirrel like that. Huh. You know, I did figure out a way to sorta protect my brother and sister. It wasn’t perfect, but it worked for a spell. This little old diner was right across the street from our house on the opposite corner. I started to keep track of time even though I didn’t really know how to read a clock. Later in the day, late afternoon or early evening, things picked up. That’s thegoodthing about addicts. You could set a watch to their next hit. So I would get us out of there before anyone showed up.”

“Smart,” she said. “Where did you go? Three small kids…”

“Diner across the street. Mr. Hanks was the owner. He would let me wash dishes and clear tables for him, and he’d make sure we all had something to eat and a glass of milk. Man, he was adamant about that milk or no dessert.” Wit paused, thinking of the single fond thing out of a terrible circumstance. “You know, he must’ve watched and kept track himself, like I did. He never seemed surprised to see us. Not even that first time.”

“One night, his wife came down to the diner and brought a bunch of blankets and pillows. She set us up in the back where they had this area for their kids when they were young. There was a pull-out couch and a television. She told us it was movie night and turned that thing up pretty loud. Made us popcorn too. It wasn’t long into the movie when I noticed red and blue lights dancing on the wall from out front.” Wit swiped away a tear. “He’d seen one of Mama’s regulars run out, stumblin’ along, and thought it suspicious and called in a wellness check.”

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