Page 30 of Exquisite Temptation

Me ‘Girls, I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown! I'm heading home in ten minutes. Please come over for an emergency BFF catch up? Pretty please!’

Hoisting myself up, I tidy the classroom and wait for Allie and Katie to message back. When I’m done, I scurry to the staff room to pick up my handbag and jacket, exchanging goodbyes with the two colleagues doing the same. My cell vibrates in my pocket as I make my way to the parking lot. Allie and Katie have already agreed on Chinese takeout and wine.

On the drive home, the misty blue of the Seattle horizon darkens to noxious gray, mirroring my mood. Why do I always end up falling for emotionally unavailable men? The quarterback in high school with mommy issues. The tall, dark, and tortured artist in college with manic moods and a sex addiction. For two years, the rescuer in me believed I could save him. If I stayed with him through thick and thin, he would see me and love me as much as I loved him. What a fucking idiot I was. As soon as he secured representation by a big art gallery after he graduated, he disappeared into the night. I repeat the same mistake again and again because I'm a sucker for sad stories. I blame it on my Venus in Pisces for being a sucker for emotionally unavailable men.You can blame Venus all you want, but you know who and what is the real reason for your problem, Heidi.It’s my father.

He worked long hours when we were growing up and spent most of his time with our mother. As a child, it was difficult to understand the complexity of human relationships, so I often felt as if he didn’t love me as much as he loved my mom. Now, as an adult, I understand the difference between the love for your partner and your children. Nevertheless, now that I know they aren’t my biological parents, I wonder if they only loved me because I was the perfect replacement for their daughter. If they truly loved me, they would have not changed my name.

It’s possible, on a deep unconscious level, that this could have been the reason for unleashing my needy self into the big wide world, seeking the person who would love me to the point of obsession, forsaking all others, and never understanding the reasons for ending up with narcissists. Here I am, teetering on the precipice, ready to jump and repeat the same mistake with Christopher. Fuck my life! I fight hard against the tears I refuse to let fall.It’s okay, Heidi. You did the best with the knowledge and experience you had. You are not a victim of your past. The master of your life is you.

Determined to maintain an inner composure, I whizz through the green lights, arriving home in no time, which gives me time to change. As I click on Jjos’s "All I Need" on Spotify, the front door opens with a bang, and Allie storms through like a whirlwind.

"Babe, I'm here." Dropping her purse on the couch, she rushes in my direction with an ear-splitting grin on her face and wraps her arms around me, squeezing the life out of me. A ball of emotions clogs my throat, knowing despite everything she had to deal with in the aftermath of Nathan’s death, she still drops everything and comes to my aid.

"Ah, easy, I can’t breathe. I know you missed me, but you don’t need to kill me." I let out a giggle, which makes her laugh, too. Tugging her arm, I lead her to the kitchen and fire up the coffee machine.

"When are you coming back home? If Sebastian wasn’t my brother, I would have called the police to report you being kidnapped and held against your will as a sex slave in his dungeon." I miss my best friend. The house feels empty without her. Giggling, she covers her face with both hands to hide the blush darkening her cheeks.

"As much as I love being his willing slave, I need a break from your overprotective brother. We haven’t talked about me moving in there, but I have a feeling things head that way. In any case, I am coming back tomorrow."

The bell goes off, cutting our conversation short and announcing Katie’s arrival. Allie strolls to let her in. I load the tray with water and coffee and go back to the living room.

"Hey, girl." Katie gives me a sympathetic smile, waiting for me to put the tray on the table before pulling me into a hug and planting a kiss on my cheek. Sinking into the sectional, I pick up my mug and take a large gulp to lubricate my throat.

Katie gazes at me with a sudden focus, furrowing her brows and releasing them. "You okay? What is going on?"

I shake my head, giving her a small smile. "Last week, Christopher messaged me out of the blue saying he needed to talk to me over dinner at his place. Then over coffee he sprang on me he wants to negotiate a D/s relationship." I pause for a moment, sucking in a deep breath as emotions threaten to overwhelm me again.

Allie points her knees in my direction and leans in. "Take your time. We got you, babe." Her genuine concern makes my heart lurch in my chest. I'm so lucky to have them in my life.

"My mind is in turmoil, which is unlike me. I have clarity about what I want out of life and can easily decide without thinking too much, yet now I don’t know what to do." My voice shakes, betraying my inner battle.

Allie jerks her head back in surprise, opening and closing her mouth. "Holy smokes, I'm in shock." She cranes her neck, looking over at Katie, who remains silent, her black eyes twinkling with a mixture of surprise and curiosity.

"This is massive, right? Considering he has kept every submissive who has been interested in him at arm’s length." She flashes her brows, telling me she agrees with Allie.

"I'm as shocked as you are, girl. He hasn’t so much as looked at a submissive twice, let alone wanting to negotiate a D/s relationship. Isn’t this what you wanted?"

"The problem is he wants us to be exclusive friends with benefits because he can’t offer me anything more." Allie’s face softens as she reaches out to touch my arm. I lean in, resting my head on her shoulder for a moment.

"If anyone understands your dilemma, it’s me. My relationship with Dan started as friends with benefits, but fast forward one year, and we now live together. Just because he isn’t ready now doesn’t mean he won’t change his mind. Give him a chance, babe. Do you want to live the rest of your life in 'what if' hell?"

"Katie is right. You are one of the most amazing, caring, and beautiful souls on this godforsaken Earth. I don’t doubt that he will fall for you—hook, line, and sinker." Allie twists her head in Katie’s direction and curves her mouth in a warm smile. "You too, missy. I feel so privileged to call you both my best friends."

"Same here, girl. Group hug?" Rising to her feet, Katie wheels around the table and opens her arms.

Allie and I jump to our feet and join her. They sandwich me between them, pressing their heads on mine. The warmth of their embrace and unconditional support shatters the last vestige of my self-control. The tears I fought so hard keep at bay slip down my face. Breathless sobs rake my insides as I weep for the little girl with broken dreams, who yearns to love and be loved, and realizing that no one, not even Christopher, can fill the empty void inside me. Only I can do it.

"Hey, we got you, babe. Let it all out," Allie whispers, making me sob harder. They hold me tight until my tears dry out.

The doorbell chimes, and they reluctantly let me go. While Allie takes off towards the door, I saunter to the guest restroom to wash my face. Pulling my hair into a topknot, I stare at my puffy red face in the mirror and blow out a sharp breath.Accept his offer but go with your eyes open and no expectations.You can walk away if nothing changes by the end of our time.

Dragging my feet back, I sink into the couch. The delicious smell of the vegetable and crispy tofu chow mein makes my mouth water. Allie fills our glasses with white wine, passing me one.

"Um, I forgot to tell you. I had the strangest dream last night about me and Christopher." Recapping the dream, I explain. "Apparently, it means spiritual bonding, till death do us part and beyond." My laughter floats up from my throat.

"Wow! There are no doubts about how you feel about him now. You are one hundred percent madly, deeply, and truly in love with him." Allie chuckles, her face lightening up with amusement.

"Your dreams are out of this world, and, while I agree with Allie, there is also another explanation. Do you know about the ceremony of roses?"

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