Page 77 of Everything She Feared

“She said what you said, that Anna didn’t feel anything. And she said nobody will know what Anna’s last thoughts were.”

Sara nodded.

“And she said it’s normal for me to have lots of questions because I was with her.”

“That’s true, and it sounds right, don’t you think?”

“Yes, Mom, but I can’t stop thinking it was my fault.”

Katie was staring at the skyline.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“But Ifeellike it is.”

“Why?”

“It just does, Mom. It just does.”

Sara put her arm around Katie. “Didn’t Dr. Mehta tell you that you would have all kinds of feelings about it but it wasn’t your fault?”

Katie nodded.Now, Sara thought.Now’s the time to press a little.

“Has Dr. Mehta asked you to tell her more about the boy?”

“She said that it would be okay if I wanted to talk about it with her.”

“What did you say?”

“I said I didn’t want to because—even though—even though—”

Katie couldn’t finish. Sara coaxed her gently. “Even though what, honey?”

“Sometimes I feel like what happened to the boy wasmy fault, just like I feel like what happened to Anna wasmy fault. Like something’s wrong with me, Mom, and I don’t know what it is.”

“Are you still having bad dreams?”

“Yes.”

“And bad thoughts?”

She needed Katie to reveal more, accepting that she might not be able to handle what it was—what I fear she’s locked away.

But I need to know.

“Have you told anyone what your bad thoughts are?” Sara asked.

Katie shook her head.

“Maybe if you told me, I could understand them, then together we can work to make them go away?”

“But they’re scary, Mom.”

“I know, but I can’t help you if you don’t help me understand.”

Katie pulled away; Sara looked at her. Katie’s expression shifted.

“Did you ever have scary thoughts when you were a girl, Mom?”

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