Page 45 of Everything She Feared

19

Seattle, Washington

The scream inthe night woke Sara.

She rushed through the darkness to Katie’s room, finding her asleep, blankets kicked off and askew. She was curled tight, almost fetal, her hands balled into fists.

Sara tried to conceive the visions tormenting Katie after all she’d seen that day on the cliff with Anna.

And what could’ve really—No, oh, no, don’t think about it.

Sara looked upon her daughter, her flawless skin, her upturned nose, her angelic face.

What could’ve really—Stop. Stop thinking what you’re thinking.

Katie just had another bad dream, something to be expected,something normal, even now, almost three weeks after the tragedy, according to Dr. Sally Mehta, who’d been having regular sessions with Katie alone in her office.

Sara smiled down at Katie. “I love you so much,” she whispered, then untangled Katie’s sheets, covered her, kissed her cheek and went back to her own bed.

But Sara couldn’t sleep.

Plagued with her own thoughts, she needed to believe that Katie would bealright—that shewas alright—and searched for assurance in memories of Nathaniel, Katie’s father.

He was a soft-spoken man whose parents died not long after he’d turned twenty. His dad dropped dead from a brain aneurysm and four months later a heart attack claimed his mother. Nathaniel had no other family. He was a quiet, good-hearted man, and it was so easy for Sara to fall in love with him.

Before they married and she moved to Salem, Oregon, Sara had made it clear to Nathaniel that she didn’t want children. He accepted her feelings, respected them. But after they were married, she saw how he looked longingly at other couples with their babies. One day when they were sitting in a park, she brought up the subject.

“You really want kids, don’t you?” Sara said.

“Sure, but I know how you feel.”

“I don’t think I could do it. I don’t think I’d be a good mother.”

“That’s where we disagree.” He smiled. “I know you’d be a good mom because you’re a good person. And it’s no surprise. Look at George and Marjorie. You were raised by two people who are the salt of the earth.”

But Sara could never tell Nathaniel the truth—the whole truth—about why she didn’t want a child. She couldn’t bear for anyone to know, not even Nathaniel. Still, Sara saw the yearning, the aching for a child, in his eyes and it broke her heart to deny him a baby. She knew he’d be the best father.

Nathaniel’s goodness had given her hope that maybe, just maybe, shecouldbe a good mother. And with Nathaniel, she felt she might conquer her fears and gain the strength to one day tell him the truth. So she agreed to start a family and they had Katie, with Sara praying, begging God to make everything okay—in every way.

And it was okay. It was better than okay. Nathaniel was overjoyed. He was there for Katie’s birth. Nathaniel said his feet never touched the ground that day.

“Holding her is like holding a bundle of Heaven,” he said.

Sara’s parents were thrilled.

Then came that rainy day around the time Katie was two years old. Sara was working as a cashier at the Grocery CornerMart when Nick Papas, her manager, called her to his office, where two police officers were waiting. Something was wrong.Very wrong.They pulled out a chair for Sara to sit. Her heart skipped as they told her that Nathaniel had been on his motorcycle when a big rig blew a tire, lost control and struck him.

“We’re so sorry,” the officer said, “but Nathaniel was killed.”

The earth shifted under Sara; hands steadied her as she stared into Nick’s big calendar with its stunning picture of the Greek Isles and the glowing shrine on the swooping hills overlooking the Azure Sea. The whole time, her screams rattled off the walls.

Nick got Donna, the head cashier, to help him get Sara home. She never remembered being back in their house. Numbed and overwhelmed with grief, sights blurred, sounds deadened as if she were at the bottom of the Azure Sea looking up at the surface and the sun.

Everything was a haze and after Nathaniel’s funeral Sara only went through the motions of living, clinging to the one thing she could hang on to: Katie.

In time, Sara, a widowed young mother, left Oregon and moved back to Seattle to live with her parents. Mel Carver hired her back at the Jet Town to work full-time. The routine and sanctuary of living with her mom and dad helped. And every few months or so Sara would take Katie to see Nathaniel’s friends in British Columbia.

They were always warm, loving times.

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