Page 55 of Wicked Vow

I stare up at him, feeling unmoored by everything he’s saying. I feel as if I could float away, as if I could let him carry us both away on this tide of promises, but I know I have to dig my feet in. I have to do what’s best–not just for him and me, but for our baby, too, if that’s the path I’m going down.

“You’re brave and strong and beautiful,” Mikhail whispers, reaching up with one hand to trail his knuckles down my cheek. “You’ll be a wonderful mother to our child, Natalia. And I want to be there for that. I want the family I lost,kotenok. I want it with you.”

His other hand tightens on my arm, and I can feel how hard he’s trying to be gentle, to hold himself back. “I want to put you on this bed right now, bury myself inside of you until I fill you up because I need you so fucking bad it hurts. Ineedto come for you,kotenok. I fucking need it–and then when I’m done, when I’ve made you come on my cock and reminded you who you belong to–I want to take you out of here, far away from Viktor and anyone else who wants to keep you from me. Do you understand?” His voice shakes, his words coming out through gritted teeth. “I could do it right now, without your permission,kotenok. You know that. But I’m asking you because I don’t want to make the same mistakes again. I want you to see that it can be different this time.”

I feel as if my knees have turned to water, my entire body melting under his words, his touch. I need him just as badly. I feel like I’ve been deprived of something that keeps me alive, as if having him in bed with me,insideof me, is all that can make me feel like I’m whole again. I want him to do everything he just said–and I know I have to try to stop him. It won’t work.

It can’t. It will only get him killed, and you will be hurt all over again in the end.

“This isn’t how you get your family back,” I whisper, looking up at him. “I know that you don’t mean that you’re trying to replace them. I know you mean that you want to try again, and not make the same mistakes–but you can’t do it like this.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” Mikhail’s hand cups my cheek, drawing my mouth up to his, and it’s all I can do to resist, not to lean into his caress and let myself disappear into the pleasure that I know he can give me. “I’m asking for a chance, Natalia–”

“And this isn’t how you get it.” I pull away from him again, trying to breathe, trying to think. I know that he’s trying. I understand that the fact that we’re still talking, that he hasn’t just taken what he wants, shows that he’s trying. But I also need him to understand what I’m saying.

“You can’t force your way into being with me,” I whisper, looking up at him, trying to get him to hear me, tolisten. “You can’t stalk me and frighten me, leave me things, try to follow me–that isn’t how you show me you can change. That isn’t how you make this work.”

“Then how do I?” There’s a need in his face, a desperation that makes my heart crack apart all over again. “How do I do this,kotenok? How do I make you mine again?”

“You can’t,” I whisper. “Mikhail, this was never going to work. I miss you too–Iwantyou too, and I have feelings that I don’t understand, too. But even if I could reconcile everything that happened between us before, give you a chance, and try to have a normal relationship–I can’t reconcile that with having a child. I have to protect not just myself, but our baby. I can’t risk the possibility that things could be different when I have someone else to consider too.”

Mikhail goes very still, his gaze searching my face. “Does that really mean that you’re going to keep the baby?” he asks quietly. “I heard you talking to Caterina, one day when I was following you. I knew you weren’t sure. It drove me crazy, Natalia, thinking you might not–but I knew I couldn’t force you, that I–”

“I know you’re trying,” I whisper gently. “But don’t you see how creepy that is? How much that freaks me out, that you were following me and I didn’t know it? That you heard a conversation not meant for you? I can’t live a life where I have no privacy, Mikhail. Where I never know if you’re just around the corner or not. I have to have a life of my own, before I can even think about who I might share it with. And Ineedyou to give me that space. Don’t make me regret convincing Viktor to let you go.”

“It’s hard to be away from you.” His hand strokes down my arm, his face taut with frustration. “Natalia, I’ve never felt this way–”

“I know.” I swallow hard, looking up at him. “I’ve never felt this way about anyone either, Mikhail, if I’m being honest. But this ismylife I’m considering. Not ours. Mine, and the baby’s. And I’ve decided something else, too.”

I take a deep breath, steeling myself. I’ve been afraid of more change, of breaking open my life more than I already have, but I know what I need to do. I knew it even before I talked to Sasha tonight.

“I’m going to Boston with Sasha. I want to be with my family, and she’s all the family I have left. I’m going to start over there and decide what my life is going to look like.”

Mikhail tenses, his hand tightening on my arm, and I see his jaw clench. “Are you going there to be with Erik?”

“See! This is what I mean.” I push his hand away with mine, glaring up at him as my own frustration pushes back a little of my desire. “I don’t know how you were listening in on that conversation I had just a little while ago, and honestly–I don’t want to know. But you had to have been, or you wouldn’t know he’s going to be in Boston.”

“That doesn’t answer my question,kotenok,” Mikhail says, his voice tight with rising anger. “I don’t want him near you. I don’t want him touching you, touching what’s mine–”

“I’m not yours,” I whisper, even as everything inside of me rebels against that. “And you don’t get to make that decision for me. But if you must know, Mikhail–no. I’m going there to be close to Sasha and for no other reason. I don’t want Erik.”

“Do you want me?” His voice softens, his body still brushing against mine.

I have to tell him the truth. I can’t help it, even if I know it might be better if I lied. If I told him no, that I don’t want him, it might make him leave me alone at last–or he might not believe me. I have no way of knowing, and it doesn’t feel like a choice, anyway.

I can’t bring myself to say anything except what I really feel, looking up at him in the darkness.

“Yes,” I whisper, fighting back a wave of emotion. “But it’s not possible.”

I reach up then, against my better judgment, my hand brushing gently against his cheek. “We’re toxic together, you and I. It can’t work. It can’teverwork, Mikhail.”

I feel the shudder that goes through him as he reaches up, taking my face in both hands as he draws me in to him, against him, his fingers threading into my hair.

“Pretend for me,kotenok,” he whispers. “Just for a little while.”

When he kisses me again, I know I should resist. I try. I tense under his hands, mine coming up to push against his chest, but his mouth is hot and firm against mine, his tongue sweeping into my mouth, hot and possessive, and it’s everything I want.

I don’t want him to leave without having this one more time.

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