Page 25 of Wicked Vow

I just wish I couldbelieveit.

The knot of anxiety in my stomach tightens more and more as we go back to an exam room, a friendly nurse taking all of my basic vitals and asking routine questions that I answer to the best of my ability. Every muscle in my body feels tight, and I feel a little faint as the nurse leaves, saying the doctor will be in shortly.

“Are you alright?” Caterina reaches out, touching my leg gently. “It’s okay, Natalia. No one is going to make you decide anything today. This is just to make sure that you and the baby are okay so far. Just breathe.”

I nod, swallowing hard, but I feel like I’ve forgotten how to breathe. The feeling only compounds when the doctor, a woman who looks like she’s in her late thirties with her hair pulled back and a friendly smile on her face, walks into the room.

“Caterina! So nice to see you,” she says with a smile. “And Natalia, it’s so nice to meet you as well. Cat said that you have a bit of an unexpected situation.”

“You could say that.” I manage a thin smile. “I’m not very far along, I don’t think. A few weeks. I only recently found out.”

“How many tests did you take?” The doctor sits down, facing me, her voice gently.

“Two. Both positive.”

“Well, we’ll have you take one more, but I doubt there will be any different result. Symptoms–nausea, tenderness, any of that?”

I nod. “Definitely nausea in the mornings. It’s pretty awful.”

“So I hear,” she says sympathetically. “Cat had a hard time too. You’re in good hands, staying with her.”

“It certainly seems that way.”

“And it’s just you?” The doctor asks the question delicately, although I think the answer is fairly obvious, given the glaring lack of anyone else in the room.

I nod. “It is. I’m doing this on my own. Well–not entirely on my own.” I glance apologetically at Caterina. “But the father isn’t a part of this, no.”

“I know you’re in safe hands at the Andreyevs,” the doctor says slowly. “But is there anything else you want to tell me about the circumstances? Anything else I should know?”

Well, I was kidnapped in a revenge plot by a man obsessed with me, who fucked me enough to get me pregnant while tormenting me the whole time. And the worst part is–I liked a lot of it, and I feel like I miss him, and I’m confused as hell all of the time, all while trying to decide if I actually want to be a mother.

I force a wider smile. “No. No, I don’t think we need to talk about all of that.”

“Well.” The doctor stands up, handing me a packaged test and a cup. “We’ll start with this and go from there. Whatever happens, we’ll be sure to take good care of you.”

By the end of the appointment, none of my nerves have eased. The test confirmed that yes, I’m definitely pregnant, and the doctor agreed with the assessment that the pregnancy is very early. “That’s good news if you’re uncertain,” she’d told me. “You have time to make some decisions without being rushed. We’ll go ahead and make you a follow-up appointment, but if you choose another option, call our office, and we’ll help you make those arrangements, too.”

I let them make the follow-up, feeling as if I’m in a daze, all the way until I find myself sitting at an outdoor bistro table with Caterina for lunch, the sun glinting off of the water glass in front of me, feeling like I’m in some kind of strange dream.

“Natalia? Are you okay?”

I shake my head quickly, jostling myself out of it at the sound of Caterina’s voice. “Yeah,” I manage. “I’m fine. I’m just–having a little trouble adjusting, that’s all.”

“That’s normal.” Caterina smiles at me as the waiter approaches, and she orders us bread and olive oil to start, telling the waiter to give us a little time. “I can tell you’re still on edge.”

“Can you?” I laugh shortly. “You’re very perceptive.”

“I try. Having kids keeps you on your toes, that’s for sure.” Caterina swirls the glass of wine she’d ordered, watching me from across the table. “I know you’re probably already thinking this, but it takes time to adjust. After I was kidnapped–it was months before I felt normal again. Before, I didn’t jump at every shadow. And I know you’re probably feeling like that right now. Like you’ll never feel safe again–but you will.”

“I hope so.” I press my lips together, and we sit in silence for a few long minutes while the waiter comes to take our orders and then leaves again, returning after a little while with our salads.

“What did you picture your future like after your father was gone?” Caterina asks as we sit there with our food. “What did you imagine?”

I let out a slow breath. “Well, once it was clear that ballet wasn’t a possibility anymore–at least not at the level I was dancing at–I knew I wanted to keep it in my life in some way. I have always dreamed of being a ballerina–since I was a child. It’s too much a part of me to let it go completely. So I thought, if I could get somewhere safe–maybe I could teach. I could teach children’s ballet classes and maybe even be an instructor at a school eventually. I just needed to be away from Moscow, where everyone knew who I was and wanted something from me.”

“And children weren’t a part of that?”

I shake my head. “Not after I didn’t need to marry and produce heirs for the Bratva any longer. I never even imagined children of my own in that scenario. But now–I don’t know.” I toy with my food, poking at it with my fork. “My mother encouraged me, when I was little, to have dreams other than what my father wanted for me. Now–I keep thinking that I could do that for someone else. I could give my child a life that has nothing to do with any of that. No Bratva, no arranged marriages, no fear or duty or gilded cages. Just the freedom to be whatever she–or he–wants to be.”

---