Page 24 of Wicked Vow

“The girls will be home by now,” Caterina says as we get out, gathering up the bags. “You’ll get to meet them–I’m sure they’ll love you both.”

“You’re okay with me meeting them?” Ruby asks, her expression uncertain. “I mean, I–”

“Of course,” Caterina says firmly. “You’re a lovely person, Ruby, and I don’t care what you do for work. My husbandownsthose clubs.” She laughs. “It makes absolutely no difference to me.”

I can see Ruby visibly relax as we walk in. We’re immediately greeted by the sound of children shouting as two girls careen out of the living room and straight toward Caterina.

Both of them are adorable and blonde, one clearly a few years older than the other, blue eyes shining happily as they fling themselves at Caterina, who gathers them up instantly. She hugs them both close, then turns them towards Ruby and me. “Anika, Yelena, these are our guests–Natalia and Lena. Say hello, girls.”

“Hi!” They both chorus in unison and then immediately turn back to Caterina, asking one question after another over each other as they bounce excitedly up and down.

Ruby looks stunned. “I don’t know how she does it,” she says in a low voice, watching as Caterina herds them towards the stairs with an apologetic backward glance at us.

“I don’t know either, honestly.” I laugh. “She doesn’t seem to have a whole staff of nannies like a lot of wives in her position do. My mother didn’t either–but she only had me.”

Watching them go, it’s so much easier than I’d thought it would be to imagine one of them as mine, that little blonde girl that I’d pictured before, in a house full of dance paraphernalia and the warmth of a family. I feel that ache of longing in my chest again–but there’s something else there, too, an ache for someone who isn’t here. Who it feels likeshouldbe here, no matter what anyone else says.

I head to the living room, feeling exhausted. As nice as the day was, I’d felt on edge for a lot of it as we walked around the city, every shadow and movement making me jumpy. It’s hard to shake the feeling of needing to look over my shoulder constantly, to get used to the idea that I’m free to do whatever I want. There’s no one coming after me to avenge my part in my father’s death; there’s no one stalking me. Even Mikhail has been warded off by Viktor’s threats, so far as I know. But I can’t shake that creeping feeling down my spine that became almost like a part of me over the past months.

Even here, at Viktor’s house, I can’t shake the feeling of being watched. I know there’s no one here looking through windows or waiting to slip something beneath the door, but all through dinner, I feel that cold sensation prickling over my skin, needling at me. It’s the exact opposite of how I’d felt earlier this afternoon, that brief feeling of being myself again, and it makes me sad.

I know I have a chance here, to leave all of that behind. To start fresh, like I’d wanted, in a way that I probably wouldn’t have been able to do just running from Moscow. But in order to do that, I have to let the past go.

I need to letMikhailgo.

—

The first week at Viktor’s house is uneventful, for the most part. It’s very clear that nothing is expected of me. Still, I try to help where I can, keeping Caterina company during the day with the babies and trying to feel more at home in the big, strange house as I think about what my future might hold.

Ruby has her audition at one of Viktor’s clubs soon, and she knocks on my bedroom door one morning a few days after we’ve settled in, looking as if she’s on the verge of having a panic attack.

“I don’t know if I can do this.” She sits on the edge of the bed, her hands knotted together, looking at me with a terrified expression. “What if I fuck it up? What will Ido? Maybe I should have stayed in Moscow, where at least I knew–”

“Hey.” I sit down next to her, wrapping an arm around her waist. “You’re fine. You’ve got this. You were a badass dancer at theCat’s Meow, and Igor didn’t appreciate you like he should. Now you’ve got a chance to work somewhere that you’ll be seen and recognized for just how good you are, and you’ll makegoodmoney. This is a whole new beginning for you.”

“If I get hired.”

“Youwill.”

Ruby bites her lip. “I don’t want it to just be a favor, either. Does that make sense? I don’t want it to just be because Viktor feels like he owes you. I want to get hired because I’m as good as you think I am.”

“That makes perfect sense. And youwillbe. I know it.”

Ruby’s teeth sink deeper into her lower lip, worrying at it. “Can you come with me? I know you didn’t plan on it, and maybe you don’t want to go to a place like that again, but–I’d feel so much less nervous if you were with me. Would you maybe be willing to–”

“Of course!” I stand up, looking down at her in surprise. “Of course, I’ll come with you. I don’t mind–it’s not like I have bad memories of theCatspecifically. Just because some bad things happened there doesn’t mean I never want to go into a strip club again.” I smile encouragingly at her. “I’ll come with you if that will make you feel more confident. But I know you’ve got this.”

Ruby stands up, giving me a tight hug. “Thank you. That helps a lot.”

Unfortunately, she can’t come with me to my first nerve-wracking moment in New York–the doctor’s appointment Caterina scheduled for me. Caterina manages to come along by telling the doctor, who she knows well, that I don’t have anyone else to be with me. I’m grateful not to be totally alone, but I wish I could have had Ruby there as well.

The office is warm and comfortable, all done in soft pinks and creams, with soothing music playing as we walk in, and I give the receptionist my information. It’s clear that it’s all meant to make the atmosphere as calming and relaxing as possible, but I can’t shake the tension that’s crept into every part of my body.

This feels more and more real, and this first appointment is only solidifying that. It didn’t help that I had that creeping feeling again as we walked into that building, the sensation of being watched prickling over me, like I felt so many times in the past months in Moscow.

I’m just being paranoid. There’s no reason to think anything like that is wrong. There’s not–

I want to tell Caterina how I’m feeling, to get reassurance, but I don’t want to worry her, and I don’t really think it will help. I know she’s going to tell me exactly what I’m thinking–that I’ve been on edge for so long that it’s not easy to shake off, that I’m just reacting to the lingering trauma of my time in Moscow, that it doesn’t mean anything. That it will take time for me to get used to being safe.

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