Page 71 of The Gods of Chaos and Chance

Ben made sandwiches and they set off. It was cooler than it had been on the previous days, but warm enough for Ben to be in shorts, his long, exceptionally well-muscled legs flexing nicely as he walked ahead of Aleksey. Ben didn’t get why he found the appearance of his own damaged leg so unappealing, and was extremely frustrated with him for refusing to bare it, even when it was just the two of them. As Ben pointed out, if he’d licked every inch of it, which he had, he could bloody well stand to see it in daylight.

Aleksey had only pointed out, quite reasonably he thought, that it wasn’t Ben he didn’t want to see it, but the satellites that monitored him from space.

Ben thought this was extremely funny. His eye roll and huff of exasperation didn’t show this, but Aleksey knew he did.

It was just the way they were together.

They spent the first half an hour at the lighthouse trying to think of ways to get in, of course. It was something they couldn’t help doing. They walked around it, patted its stone surface, even chipped away a little at the black paint, which was flaking in places anyway. They climbed up the steps and examined the door, craned necks back to peer up at the lamp housing, but nothing.

‘It’s gonna be the rope then.’ Ben’s assessment sounded gloomy, but Aleksey heardyey! I get to try and climb it.

Suddenly, he took Ben’s arm and confessed with a catch in his voice, ‘If you fell, Ben, you would then be like me—broken. And that wouldkillme. I cannot bear to think of you like that.’

Ben’s expression changed so swiftly Aleksey didn’t have time to understand its import before he turned away to say very casually, ‘Okay, we still need to hunt more for the key before we try that anyway.’

‘What? What have I said? I only meant—’

‘Yeah. I know. Come on, let’s eat. I’m starving.’

They sat down by the dogs, who were still securely tied to the brass ring, and Ben began to unpack the sandwiches. Aleksey watched this display of studied normality making no comment.Yet. If Ben Rider-Mikkelsen thought he was going to let that odd moment go, then he clearly didn’t know him very well.

Apparently, Ben did know him. Extremely well. He suddenly gave a frustrated sigh and admitted quickly, ‘It’s just, you know, my birthday thing. And being thirty-eight soon.’ He shot Aleksey a piercing glance. ‘Nearlyforty.’ He toyed with the bread in his hands. ‘I’m getting old, Nik, and I’m not going to be like this for much longer. How will you like that? Being with me when I’m…brokenfor good…decrepit.’

Aleksey had never fought so hard to keep his feelings off his face. He was pretty sure that Ben, after such a heartfelt and utterly uncharacteristic confession, would not like instant hilarity to be his reception. He nodded slowly and was about to speak when Ben continued, ‘I love youmorenow than I did before the…you know…’ Something appeared to snap. ‘No! Before you fucking broke your fucking leg leaving me. There I’ve said it. You did that to me, and yet I love you more.’ He clenched his jaw. ‘You’re like Ironman: you broke, but you got stronger and better from that damage. I’ll just get older. Saggy. Feeble. Great isn’t it. And you say it’ll kill you. What you mean is there’ll be nothing left for you to love.’

Aleksey blew out his cheeks. ‘How long have you been bottling this up, Ben? I don’t think this was a new thought inspired by my careless comment about a climb.’

No answer, only some angry plucking of grass.

‘Will you answer me honestly about something?’

Ben glanced over, and Aleksey took that as enough encouragement to continue. ‘What was I like when I was approaching this decrepit age of mine? When I was about to turn fifty?’

Ben almost smiled. ‘You utterly refused to talk about it. Snapped anyone’s head off if they so much as mentioned it.’

Aleksey huffed. ‘And why do you think I took that very mature stance of not wanting this great event mentioned?’

‘Because you were scared stiff what it would mean for you. For us, I guess.’

‘Now, think very carefully about this. What do I do about you turning forty in two years?’

Ben turned to him fully, frowning deeply, clearly thinking hard about this. ‘You make a constant joke about it. You’re always talking about it. You even say I’m forty now sometimes…’

‘Ben, when I found the photos and saw what they contained, my first thought wasI wish Ben was here. When I woke and planned to fly to Lundy Island to explore it, my first thought was to wake you so that we could go. Withyou, Ben, not your body. When…’ He cleared his throat a little. It had become tight and difficult for him to speak. ‘When the cretin pulled me from the mine shaft, I thought I was dead but that you had died before me. I thought I saw you—soaring above me. All I wanted was to leave the ground and fly alongside you because even in death I want us to be together.’ He recovered and added more characteristically, ‘And we will both presumably be very decrepit and saggy…when we are dead…’

Ben lay back on the grass, closing his eyes and some of the brilliance of the day went out for Aleksey.

He sat chucking bits of his sandwich to the dogs, whose appetites did not seem affected at all. At last, a hand came over to his thigh and rested there. ‘Sorry.’

He put his own hand upon Ben’s. ‘You know I do not call the moron that ironically?’

‘Yeahhh.’

He smiled at the drawn out, impatient sound. ‘Well I don’t call you idiot child ironically either.’

It got the response he wanted, and they rolled and wrestled pleasantly for a while on the spiky grass. Finally, winded, and worrying slightly both about his leg and their proximity to the cliff edge, he allowed Ben to pin him down and master him entirely. He’d been allowing this metaphorically for fifteen years, and the physical seemed a small thing after that.

Ben was studying him intensely, green gaze flicking to various parts of his face. Aleksey quirked up a lip, hoping this might render him more merciful treatment. Ben responded in kind, but murmured, ‘So…let’s just go see where the day takes us, hmm? Oh, Ben, I think that’s an Island, ah, Lundy Island what a delightful surprise and coincidence we are here, no?’ Ben did a pretty good imitation of him really. He’d been sussed.

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