Page 117 of The Bright and Hungry Future of Hawks

He grinned inwardly, and then let the smile spread across his face, laughing as he pictured the look. He could smile when he liked now. If what he was about to do worked, food would indeed have to be purchased. Hell, he’d have to engage a cleaning service, because food would have to be cooked, his pristine pans used, his kitchen messed up. A laundry service! Sheets and towels and possibly even soft furnishing requiring attention that they did not now. His sterile, perfect life was about to be ripped apart.

If he had the courage to press one tiny button.

They had shared nothing of an ordinary life together. Weekends at Barton Combe had involved the ringing of small bells for service, drinks brought on silver platters, elaborate dinner parties, Philipa always making sure Ben Rider had all his favourite things to eat. They snatched time together in the billiard room, or in the stables, or other places where they could unleash the power within them, but not challenge themselves in other ways—to discover what it was like to actually share a life.

Aleksey did not know if he had the courage to press send on his phone. After all the things he had done in his life which would appear more difficult, even staying alive at times, this was proving by far the hardest.

Despite a kiss, despite a hesitant declaration of love, Aleksey knew that Ben Rider was still a very unknown quantity, and Aleksey wondered sometimes if he knew himself at all, so all of this was a terrifying risk.

Being rejected was extremely painful. He had not allowed himself to be in a position where he could feel that hurt for over thirty years.

What if he sent this text and Ben saw it and ignored it?

Better not to send it in the first place. He’d always thoughtbetter to have loved and lost than never to have loved at allwas a particularly stupid sentiment from someone who had clearly never actually been unwanted.

If he could go back now, he would ignore his mother. Pleading for love, or food come to that, had done him no good. He was fairly sure if she’d been entirely ignored by the whirlwind that was her eldest son, she’d have been the one demanding to be loved and not him.

He put the phone down on the kitchen table and checked Ben’s location once more. Still with the professor. He wondered what they were talking about.

Shit, what wouldtheytalk about?

Would he press this fucking button, summon Ben here, and then after a few days wish he were on his own once more? Pristine, silent life?

He did not know the answers to any of these questions, and the text remained unsent.

He lit a cigarette. That always helped. He realised he missed Philipa sitting across from him, her wry sense of humour, her unflappability, her strength. It had not been a pleasant scene after the dead Iraqis had been removed from the house and grounds. Fortunately for him, everyone assumed that he was as much a victim as they were. He even came out with a bit of credit for foiling a nasty hostage situation, which was only fair, as he had.

But the bagpipes, dancers, and haggis had done for him. There was no coming back from that, and he’d had to go.Hehad insisted. She had resisted. To her credit, Philipa had tried to defend him, even though she was clearly rethinking her scepticism about a certain Special Forces Russian.

Although, Aleksey reflected around his cigarette, she may have been thinking about power, and the balance of it once more. Perhaps she had feared he would defend his position by damning hers. It was entirely possible she did not fully understand thatsheheld all the cards—that she did not entirely appreciate the devastating power she now had over him. When he had agreed with her, lying naked next to her, that Ben must not find out about his role in the fire, what he had wanted with Ben Rider, what he had needed from Ben, had been merely abstract, confused ideas in his head.

They weren’t now.

Once more, he wished he could go back and change what he had done. Houses built upon sand. He was an expert at those.

His thumb quivered oversend. He wished the universe would send him a sign.

But then he remembered that he didn’t believe in fate.

You make your own destiny in life.

He tapped the button.

Half an hour and three cigarettes later, he heard the sound of motorcycle boots stomping on the cobbles outside his mews house.

You make your own destiny in life, but you need courage and luck too.

Aleksey’s life now depended upon a man called Ben Rider.

He had a feeling that Ben might just surprise him.

* * *

Chapter 65

Four Months Before April

Ben wondered if this was the longest he’d ever gone without eating.

---