Page 53 of Impulsive Love

I inhale the white power and rub my finger over the mirror before rubbing it on my gums. The bass is thumping and there are women everywhere. In the back of my mind I know there is somewhere I’m supposed to be, but I can’t remember.

I pick up my whiskey and take a sip. The vanilla notes are pleasing to my tongue. A statuesque blonde walks toward me. When she’s close enough, I snag her hand and pull her toward me. She’s got huge tits and has them practically hanging out.

After I pick up the little vial I empty some of the white powder onto the tit closest to me. I bend down, snorting it up one nostril and then the other. I lick it up and then kiss her, her tongue flicks against mine. She pulls away and then puts my glass to my lips. I drink all the liquor down and resume kissing her.

I move my hands between her legs and I hear someone calling my name. I open my eyes and there is a beautiful strawberry blonde staring at me and a little girl with blonde curls is on her hip.

“Who are you?” I slur.

The little girl begins to cry, burying her face in the woman’s neck.

“Who are we? Who are we?” She has her own tears running down her face.

I ignore their tears, I don’t know who they are. I drink some more whiskey down and then lean into the blonde.

“Chris? Why are you doing this?” the woman with the child cries.

“Bitch, I don’t know you,” I shout. Fuck, she’s ruining my buzz.

Out of the corner of my eye I watch her hug the little girl and run off. Fuck them and the little voice in my head telling me to go after them.

“Hey, where did that woman go?” Pete, the doorman comes up to me.

“Who cares, we came to party!” I shout and everyone cheers.

He gets close, his face serious. “Man, that was your wife and daughter.”

Then like a fast-playing movie, our life comes flashing through my mind. I take off running after them, but they’re already gone. I don’t know how I make it home, but I do. I step inside and my dad is there waiting for me. “A-Are they here?”

He stands up and shakes his head. “I’m sorry, son. They’re gone.”

“No, no, no, no,” I moan like a wounded animal. My cry rips up from my chest, burning my throat as it leaves me.

“Cwis, Cwis?”

I fly up in bed, clutching my chest. Haddie is standing next to the bed, looking concerned. My breath saws in and out of my lungs. Suddenly, I’m nauseous. I jump up and run toward the bathroom, sliding on my knees to the toilet. I throw up violently over and over until there is nothing left but bile.

The sink turns off and then there’s a cool washcloth being placed on my neck. Haddie doesn’t say anything. She flushes the toilet and pulls me into her arms. I begin to cry like a baby, unleashing the fear that I had used again. That I’d used and lost Haddie and Madison.

Haddie strokes my hair and lets me wet her shirt with my tears. “It felt so real,” I whisper. “I could feel the burn of the whiskey, the numbing feeling on my gums from the coke.”

I know this can happen sometimes, but damn, it felt real, and before she can respond the baby cries from the other room. “Go see to her, I’ll be right out,” I say as I stand up.

She looks me over closely and then nods. As soon as she disappears into Madison’s room, I shut the door. I close the toilet lid and sit down. I scrub my hands down my face and shake my head.

I look up and see the bottle of Haddie’s pain medication. Pills were never my problem, booze and coke were my drugs of choice. I grab the orange see-thru bottle, unscrewing the cap slowly enough that she won’t be able to hear.

Inside the bottle the white pills tempt me. I’m not sure why…maybe it’s the dream and I still can’t shake the feeling of being fucked up, and maybe I want to chase that high. I tip the bottle until one pill falls into the palm of my hand.

I hold it between two fingers and look at it, like I’m examining it. “Cwis?” There’s a knock on the door and I drop the pill and jump up, knocking the pill bottle into the sink. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah, baby, I’ll be right out.” I scoop up the pills and put them back into the bottle and quickly screw the lid back on. “What the fuck am I doing?” I whisper. Once I take a deep breath, I open the door to the bathroom.

Haddie is standing in the hallway with Madison in her arms. “Whas going on?” She sounds worried, and I caused that. Is this going to be our life? Her constantly worrying about whether I’m going to use or not?

I can’t do this to them. “Come sit with me.” I lead her into the living room and sit down next to her. “This isn’t easy to say, but I really think I should go. I know I told you I’d never leave again, but you deserve so much better than me. I’m no good for you.”

She shakes her head. “Don’t say thwat.” I reach out, rub the bruise under her right eye.

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