Page 30 of Paid In Full

I retreated to my room, slamming the door after throwing the lock. Reaching up, I ripped off my shirt. It was too fucking tight. I stared at my palm, where blood now rested, and forced myself to suck in a breath. Tingling ran over my scalp, wrapped around my throat and raced down my body.

“Shit, shit, not now. Not fucking now!”

They were back. Goddamn panic attacks. I hadn’t been free of them ever since I was locked up. Twice. Now, whenever the walls came closing in, they were there to remind me that, yes, I was really fucking alive even if I didn’t want to be.

I sucked in a long, hard breath as I began to count the things around me. What I could see. What I could hear. What I could smell. All that fucking shit the good doc told me when I returned home with a brand new host of fucking issues.

A knock on the door startled me. I shoved away from it, lapping at the blood on my palm as I glared at the wood. There was no wall to shove my back against, so I simply waited, tense, ready to fuck shit up.

“Giancarlo?”

Ash’s sweet voice put me at ease. I didn’t respond, but I didn’t retreat either.

“Are you okay?” he asked. Silence. “I-I’m sorry if I did something wrong. I didn’t mean to. Can you come out? I asked your brother to help me cook your favorite food, and it’s almost done. I can pour you a drink! Giancarlo?”

My heart squeezed. God, he was so annoying. Yet I was shuffling toward the door as if I was being tugged toward it by a string.

“I made you risotto with lobster. Or I tried.” He sighed. “It probably sucks. Nevermind. You can stay. I mean, you’re probably tired after working so hard all week. I’ll leave you alone.”

The heartbreak in his voice was palpable.God, does he ever shut up?Ash was always a hot mess of rambling words and nervous twitches. That was when he wasn’t sassing me back and immediately blushing and freaking out because of it.

He’s a fucking mess.

Maybe that’s what I like about him.

I ripped the door open as the shakes continued but calmed. Ash stood there toying with his fingers. He looked up at me with those big eyes.

“If you were hungry, why didn’t you get some fucking food?”

“You didn’t say I could leave,” he muttered. “Besides, I don’t have any money. What was I supposed to do?” He frowned. “I didn’t call him or anything if that’s what you think.” Panic covered his face as his eyes darted back and forth. “He just came over, saw the empty fridge, and brought over groceries. I didn’t—”

“Jesus, kid,” I groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You make me crazy.”

If my mental shit was bad, his was worse. I brushed past Ash, heading downstairs to the kitchen. My brother spared me a glance, nodded, and then left. That was all I would get from him, and I knew it.

I sat at the table, and Ash put a plate in front of me. He hovered as I stuck a fork into the food and tasted the risotto.

I stiffened. It was the most god-awful thing I’d ever tasted in my life. How was the rice both raw and overcooked? A gag stuck in my throat as I chewed rubbery lobster.

What the fuck? This is terrible.

I glanced up to find Ash staring at me, his big eyes already looking panicked as he waited. Normally, I had no problem telling someone their food was shit. This time I picked up the fork and shoveled more food into my face. It was my penance for starving Ash when I had argued with Benito that I was responsible enough to care for him.

“Do… do you like it?” Ash asked.

I nodded. “Really good. I’m surprised you didn’t burn the place down making it.”

Ash’s face lit up. “Really? You think so? I’ll get you some more!”

He scurried away, bringing over more risotto before he poured me a glass of Sauvignon Blanc. Ash fluttered around the kitchen, talking a mile a minute about cooking the meal with a smile on his face. I stared at him as I shoved more of my punishment down my throat.

Isn’t he angry I left him like this? That I almost starved him? Goddamn, how much did his father screw him up?

The last of the tremors left me as I gulped my wine and stared at the flighty little shit running around my kitchen. I’d thought he would be gone, but it seemed like I was all Ash had.

What the fuck was I supposed to do with him?

“What didyou do while I was gone?”

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