Page 94 of Paid In Full

The silence between us made my skin feel tight, like I wanted to peel it off with a flensing knife. Ash reached out, entwining his fingers with mine. I knew what he had to think, that I was some pathetic, fucking loser who couldn’t handle being locked up and had to be shipped off to the crazy house because of it. That was how my brothers looked at me sometimes, with pity in their eyes. The same way Ash was looking at me now.

I tried to pull away.

“No,” Ash whispered. “Please, don’t. Just let me hold your hand.” His grip tightened. “Sorry I didn’t know all this about you earlier. I should have asked. I never realized you were hurting so much.”

I scoffed. “Let’s go back to the show.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t run,” he said, grabbing my chin roughly. “Not from me, okay? You got to see me in that place, ugly and terrified. Let me see you too.”

Fuck, how was I supposed to tell him that my heart couldn’t take that? No one was supposed to see me. I’d opened up just once, and it was enough to make me want to rip my heart out of my chest, stomp on it, and never look back. Why the hell did Ash have to do this to me?

“I lost my girl when I was in too,” I muttered, unable to hold the words back. “Went in, Sarah-Lynn was there. Came out, and she’d packed her shit and gone. I never even saw her again.”

“Fuck her,” Ash growled, fire in his eyes as he shook his head. “If she couldn’t handle it, that’s on her.”

“Who could handle that?”I shot back. “Could you? Do you think this shit ends in picket fences and rainbows? It doesn’t. More than likely, I’m going to wind up dead or back in prison, and that might be sooner than later. Do you really want to deal with that?”

Determination bled into Ash’s eyes. “We all die, and shit happens. I’m not going anywhere.”

Ash pushed up on the tips of his toes. His mouth pressed against mine, and I kissed him back. Everything in me screamed to shove him away, to keep some small amount of distance, but I didn’t want to. When I was with Ash, the loneliness faded away, and I could breathe. Damn, did it feel good to justbreathe.

When we pulled away from each other, his cheeks were wet. I kissed each one, tasting the saltiness of his tears. He pushed his hand back into mine. This time I held on tight.

“Come on, everyone’s pretty much leaving,” Ash said. “Want to check out a few more and then go home?”

Home. He said it so casually, as if it meant nothing when it meant everything to me.

“Yeah,” I said. “I want to.”

“Come on then,” he tugged my hand, smiling as he led the way. “I saw this hot as hell Subaru Impreza that I’ve been eyeing all night.”

I chuckled, the weight on my chest lifting as Ash went right back to normal. I needed that. I couldn’t delve into any more of the pain that I struggled with every day. The endless deluge of ache that I ignored. I was no better than Ash. Whenever I hurt, I slapped on a smile, cracked a joke, and kept on marching.

That was who I had to be.

Ash and I wandered back over to the cars together. We took our time, going over them while he asked questions. Never once did he leave my side. I stole glances the whole time, admiring the easy-going way he talked to people, his smile, and the warmth of his hand.

I’m going to marry you, Ash. You don’t know that yet, but I sure as fuck do.

The numbers began to thin as people focused more on the booze and drugs as the night wore on. I grabbed Ash’s arm, dragging him to the cars off to the side. Pushing him up against the Talbot Lago Grand Sport, I slipped my tongue into his mouth. He moaned, writhing against the car as I bit his bottom lip. Ash groaned and bit right back, even harder than me. I wanted nothing more than for him to shove me over the back of the car and fuck me, but he was too short, and I knew we didn’t have time.

A blowjob will have to do.

Grabbing the door handle of the car, I opened it. I grinned when no alarm went off. Either the car was too damn old, it never had one, or Marco was too fucking egotistical to think anyone would steal from him and his shitty family. I didn’t mind proving him wrong.

“What are you doing?” Ash hissed.

I shoved him into the car. “Shut up and take your dick out.”

Ash blinked. “I don’t think this is a good way to work out your frustration.”

“You’re wrong, but I don’t have time to explain that to you right now.”

“What are you— Hey!”

I yanked Ash’s clothes down and swallowed his cock in one go. He stretched my mouth in just the right way. The salty taste of pre-cum stained my tongue. I lapped at the head of his dick desperately, starving for more. My hand tightened around his shaft, stroking him as I twisted my head, tongued his slit, and then stuffed him back down my throat once more.

“Fuck,” Ash moaned, his back arching from the seat.

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