Page 83 of On The Run

Aiden

Listeningto Gray animatedly describe scene for scene ofBlack Pantherwas one way to dramatically lift my mood. Something about him put everything into perspective. Sure, a lot fucking sucked, but there were a lot of amazing things happening now too. Things that only a few months ago, I’d never have allowed myself to have.

I wasn’t even watching the movie, my focus solely on Gray. He seemed to be having the same effect on Max too. I could tell something was wrong, well more wrong, as soon as Max came back up with our treats. If I had to guess, I’d say someone from the RAM faction gave him a heads-up on the news I received earlier today. Even thinking about it wrenched another hole inside me.

I could care less about the clothes and furniture. Sure, it sucked having to replace all of that, but whatever. It wouldn’t be the first time Pops and I left most of that stuff to make a quick escape in the past. We often had to travel light. But, despite living in ten different states, and more houses, apartments, hotels, shelters, and cars then I could count, there were some things the two of us managed to hold onto. Things that were worthless to most people but absolutely priceless to us. And now they were gone.

We didn’t take many pictures over the years, too risky. But Pops did manage to get his hands on a Polaroid when I was a kid when we were living in Tennessee. Pops held onto that thing for all this time and took as many pictures as he could. With those, we didn’t have to risk any digital print that could track us. They were just for us. Photo albums were too clunky to travel with, but Pops got one of those two-gallon sized baggies and kept all of our pictures in there. Every one was labeled with the date, how old I was, and where we were. It was our only connection to all of the places we lived over the years. There was one from that concert on the beach in New Jersey, another in front of Ryman Auditorium in Nashville, and one near the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland. We weren’t able to go into any of those places, but still, Pops made the most out of those trips, and those photos were cherished.

There were others in there too. One of me holding up my acceptance packet to college, a candid of Pops when he just got off the phone call saying he got the job he had here, a photo of us that the nurse at Pops’s chemo took for us on Father’s Day, and one of us in front of our first real home. And of course, it wasn’t only photos we lost.

Pops lost the handmade blanket from his nona. My signed copy of my favorite book series that I managed to get when the author was doing a free signing was also destroyed. And while most of my clothes meant nothing to me, Pops’s old Yankees T-shirt was nowhere to be found, most likely burned. I ordered him a new one this morning, but I knew it would never be the same. After everything that bastard has done to us over the years, this shouldn’t even phase me. This was nothing, yet it was hitting me so fucking hard.

It was easy enough to pin down. I didn’t even need to have my therapist enlighten me. Pops was dying. I couldn’t even fucking deny it anymore. And yeah, maybe he’d get this experimental treatment the doctor suggested before this. I hadn’t spoken to Max about it yet, but I planned to. But if it didn’t work or it was too late, then he’d be gone and I’d have nothing to remember the man who raised me. The man who risked everything to get me out of a dangerous situation even though he didn’t have to. The man who loved me unconditionally when the one who was supposed to only caused harm. And once again, Giovani Santino would’ve won and left me with nothing.

Watching Gray’s excitement got me out of my head a little bit. It gave me just enough hope to keep going forward, and I couldn’t be more grateful for this little kid and the man who was lying next to me, lightly holding my hand and tracing an unknown pattern across my palm.

Eventually, Max decided to be a responsible parent and feed Gray actual food. But since none of us really felt like moving, he just ordered pizza and we ate it right in his room, on the bed. It kind of freaked me out, eating pizza where we not only sleep, but Max and I had sex last night, but the sheets were clean, and if my alternative was going downstairs and eating at the table, yeah, I’d take this any time.

I called Pops at the hospital while Max got Gray ready for bed. I felt awful, but I didn’t go visit him today. It was the first time in all the times he’s been hospitalized that I skipped it. I knew Pops understood, but that didn’t stop the guilt. I just couldn’t make myself move after Kai called me, no matter how hard I tried.

Pops sounded good on the phone though, much better than when he was admitted. He said his oncologist was meeting with him tomorrow, but he didn’t sound worried. I promised I’d be there for his appointment, told Pops I loved him, and hung up.

Just as I was putting my phone down on the table, Max came back into the room.

“Is Gray asleep?”

“Not yet, but he’s in his room with his music on.” Max closed and locked the door but didn’t take off his clothes before climbing into bed.

“Talk to me, love. What’s going on?”

“Did Kai tell you? About our stuff?”

Max took my hand in his. “He did.”

“It sounds so selfish, being upset about things . . . but the shit he burned, that’s irreplaceable. It might be all I ever had of Pops, and now it’s gone.”

Max’s face softened. “Come here,tokki. Let me hold you.”

I crawled into his arms. Max was leaning against the headboard with his legs spread out in front of him, and I just climbed into his lap like I was a little kid. It didn’t seem like Max cared though. I curled up in as small of a ball as I could manage and rested my head against his chest. Max’s arms came around me, holding me tight, anchoring me in a way only Max could ever manage.

“Nothing is selfish about you being upset or hurt about that, Aiden. It was cruel. There’s no other word for it. It was just another dagger to your heart, and you have absolutely every right to feel however you feel about it. Don’t ever feel guilty about that. For now though, Manny is still here. He’s still fighting with everything he has, so in the meantime, maybe make some new memories with him? They’ll never replace the old ones, but if you hold on too tightly to what was lost, you may completely miss the chances you have now.”

I clung as tight as I could to Max, doing my best koala impression. Tears filled my eyes but they didn’t fall. I didn’t think I had it in me to do more than that.

The feeling hit me like a ton of bricks. I needed more of Max. I needed to be closer to him, if that was even possible. I looked up at the man who had come to mean everything to me. “Make love to me, Max. I need to feel you inside of me.”

It came as a shock. That was understandable, and I had to hold in my laughter as about 1,000 emotions passed across Max’s face before it seemed to settle on love. Max brushed my cheek with his thumb.

“Are you sure, Aiden? There’s no rush. Wait, were you even cleared for that?”

“I’m sure. I’ve never been more ready for something. And yes, I spoke to my doctor after that first time—well, the first time since I came back. I have to be careful, but as long as I don’t overextend myself, I’m good. I need you as close to me as possible. And—” I hesitated, a little embarrassed before I pushed through it. “We know we’re both clean, so if you’re ok with it, I’d rather not use a condom.”

I was treated to one of those rounds of 1,000 expressions in a couple seconds again before Max came back to the real world.

“I’m honored that you trust me enough for that, and I’d love nothing more than to make love to you,tokki.” Max leaned over and gently captured my lips. Most of our kisses were all consuming, mind-blowing experiences. This one was no less than the rest, but there was something soft about it, something comforting.

“I love you,” I whispered into his lips.

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