Page 19 of Illuminated

I laughed, and he eased off me slightly. When the laughter ebbed, I turned toward him so that our noses almost brushed.

“I thought you were going to murder me in the woods yesterday. Or in the church. I was generally expecting murder. I really, really wasn’t expecting this.”

Instead of answering, his face turned serious, and he ran his fingers through my hair. “I could never hurt you, Ethan. Never.”

“Okay. I’ll remember that.”

Auris twisted a strand of my hair around his finger. “Can I ask you something?” he said.

“Sure.”

“At the restaurant last night, you said if you could wish for anything, you would change a conversation. What did you mean?”

I considered evading, but for once, the want to tell someone, tell Auris, outweighed the shame that usually held me back. I had only ever told one of my previous partners. “Before my mother died, the last time that I spoke with her, I said some nasty things. I was angry. We both were, and I was a -- well, a teenager, in fact. Not a good excuse. The last thing I said to her was that I wished she were dead.”

His thumb brushed along my knuckles. “That is a lot to carry with you. Thank you for sharing it with me.”

“You’re an unexpectedly good listener. For a vampire,” I said, and tagged on my best attempt at a grin.

He kissed my temple. “Don’t change the subject, Ethan. Did you ever talk about this with someone? Your father?”

I shrugged. “No. My father had to come to terms with his own stuff. Turns out he’s gay, and he waited until after my mother’s death to come out. A part of him still feels guilty about lying to her to begin with, I think. Well, not lying, but not being open either, you know. I told the first girl I ever dated I was bi, because I realized that early on. She threw it right back at me when I broke up with her, that I was just gay, had just been trying things out.”

“The people we hold closest, or those who we allow to be close to us, have the power to wound us the hardest.”

“Sounds like something from a fortune cookie.”

“Hush, my sweet,” he said, kissing my forehead once more. “What were you arguing about, with your mother?”

“Just something silly. I had lied about spending the night at a friend’s house when I had actually been out with a boy. She was telling me how I had changed ever since I had been seeing him, how he was a bad influence, and how I was becoming a stranger to her.” I looked at the ceiling as I spoke, but my mind went back to that day, my mom’s eyes, the anger in her voice.

“So she knew you liked both boys and girls at the time, but didn’t judge you for it?”

“Yeah. She was a good mom. I was just a shitty kid.”

Another kiss. “Ethan, you were nothing of the sort. What would have happened if you hadn’t argued that day, if she had never found where you had been that night?”

I had thought about that a thousand times, almost every night for months after. “She would have still been on the plane. She had to go on a business trip, and the plane went down. She would have hugged me instead of storming out of the house. I could have had one more hug, just one more. And she wouldn’t have thought I was the one wishing it on her. When… you know. On the plane.”

Auris considered this before he spoke again. “I have seen a great many people pass away, many of whom I knew personally. I sat with them at the end, though some died more suddenly, holding my hand because there was no one else around. I can tell you with certainty that none doubted their feelings for their loved ones, no matter how they had left them. You were loved, my sweet. Your mother loved you. And she knew that you did as well, I am certain of that.”

I said nothing. A rational part of me agreed that he was probably right, but I would never forget that day, the anger that defined those last minutes I’d had with Mom. I started to cry silent tears, for the first time in years.

Auris waited until I was done, his patience calming me.

When my breathing eased, he asked, “How about we cuddle a little more, then take a shower and chat in front of the fireplace in the living room?”

I licked my lips and breathed deep before saying, “Fine. I’ll dream of my vampire sex cult.”

“You will do no such thing,” he said and kissed my forehead.

His weight felt good. The nap came easy. No memories came out to haunt me.

* * *

We showered separately, but I had the feeling Auris did that more for my benefit than because he wanted to.

“You mentioned there was food?” I said when I walked back into the kitchen and living space, my hair still slightly damp, although he had taken the time to use the hairdryer on his tresses.

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