Page 44 of Illuminated

For all the odd things to notice, I looked at some mold-infested grout, and thought,I don’t want to be in this filthy bathtub, I don’t want to die here. Then I saw the shower curtain, and it reminded me of the scene inPsycho, and I remembered reading somewhere that they actually used chocolate for the blood so it would photograph right. What an odd thought to have so close to dying.

“Tell me,” he said. He wasn’t yelling, but the edge to his voice was unmistakable. And the pleasure in there -- I heard that as well.

“They left,” I said.

“Left where?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t see them go.”

“Those who walk the path of beasts are barely more than beasts themselves,” he said, and pushed me back into the water.

I thought that I would never see my dad remarry. I wouldn’t be able to do Christmas after all, and I wanted to apologize. I wanted Dad to know I was sorry for not spending more time with him and Ben, for not being in touch more during lockdown.

I was so sad I wouldn’t be able to finish my photos and do something with them, something worthwhile. No one would see them now, no one would be able to see what I had seen in them and discover in them something that mattered to them.

Those photos were good, and they deserved to be seen. I was sad they would vanish, or worse, be destroyed by this man.

My body grew heavy, and it was hard to think.

The arms that held me down let go of me suddenly, but I couldn’t push myself up to where there was air to breathe. Things got dark. Then, I was lifted up and out of the tub. Or was this my brain, doing something to soothe me in these last moments?

“Ethan!” Auris.Auris?

I heard Auris’s voice again, but I couldn’t make out the words. My vision was all flashes and shadows. Focusing on any one thing was difficult. There was a lot of movement, and I was lying on a dirty towel on a bathroom floor that wasn’t much cleaner.

The movement ebbed away, and I heard wet, cracking noises, then Auris again. Then I blacked out for good.

Chapter Nine

There are some disconnected memories between finding myself on the bathroom floor and next waking in a much cleaner hospital bed, but I couldn’t really piece them together into anything coherent. I tried, but nothing would fit or make sense.

Auris sat on the hospital bed, and his fingers brushed my cheek. I looked at his face, and his eyes were darkness, so I knew it was night.

“Welcome back,” he said. The emotions I could see on his face scared me. “You are safe now.”

I wanted to say something. I wanted to know if my pictures and my camera were safe. I wanted another shower. I wanted Auris at my dad’s wedding. Nothing but a croak came out.

“Your neck is bruised. Don’t speak. Try to relax. I’m here.”

A nurse had come in, looked at me and the monitors next to me. “He’s doing better,” he told Auris and made a note on a chart before he left again. I reached for Auris’s hand, and when I found it, I passed out again.

* * *

I woke a few times more during the night, always just for a few minutes, thanks to whatever they had given me. The morning in the hospital was hazy, but they discharged me with a baggie of antibiotics in order to prevent me from getting pneumonia after so much water had gotten in my lungs. There were painkillers in there as well, because my neck was still raw and swollen.

They’d just barely been able to avoid intubating me, I’d overheard a doctor tell Auris.

I almost fell asleep in the car on the drive back to the beach house. Everything was a haze, unreal, scary.

When we got to the house, I was ridiculously proud for walking myself to the couch without leaning all of my weight on Auris.

“I’ll go light the fire,” Auris told me. He had carried my bag in with him. Learning that my camera and laptop were okay and in one piece had come as a relief. “Do you want anything? Water, tea?” His silver eyes seemed glued to my face.

“Just water. I think I want another pain pill.” I couldn’t really speak above a whisper. I didn’t like it. I didn’t like feeling like I did. Hurt. Vulnerable. Miserable.

Auris got me a glass of water from the kitchen, handed me a painkiller from the bottle. Swallowing it was difficult, and in the end it took me three tries to get it down.

When I’d settled -- when Auris had made sure I had a blanket and a pillow from the bedroom, I finally dared.

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