Page 50 of Ever After

He stops typing. “What’s on your mind?”

He must sense something from me in the same way I’m sensing something from him. “I’m wondering what’s onyourmind?”

I lift my feet off the ground and cross them over each other before turning around to face him. “You’ve been acting differently since the night Lindsee came over.”

“To be honest, it’s got me thinking what a big mess we’re both in and if we should even continue this.”

My heart drops. Goosebumps run across my body. I’m in shock and can’t even begin to form the right words. I had a strong feeling this might happen. Now that this conversation is happening, I don’t know what to say.

“I’m not saying I don’t want this. I really like you, Lilah. We could be great together. We have similar pasts with our exes, and that draws us together more than I imagined it would. I thought we’d both have an easy out with our exes and be able to make this work without it becoming even messier. Lindsee seems to want to come back into my life knowing I’ve been seeing someone else. She’s been out of my life for a while now. I didn’t expect her to come back. Like you never expected Aiden to try to work things out with you.” Jay reaches over and grabs my hand. “I want to see where this goes with us, but on the other hand, I feel we should wait until stuff cools down on both of our ends. I’m worried our exes might tear us apart before we even begin.”

Jay lets go of my hand. Coldness consumes my whole body; it’s as if he’s pulled all the warmth away from me.

“You don’t even know if you want to start something so fast after your marriage. And I understand if you don’t. It wouldn’t be fair to me if I sit here and wait, and then you end up leaving me hanging. I know you’ve been trying to pull away from me, and I keep pulling you back to me. Part of this is my fault. I never expected to feel something like this again. Actually, not again. I’ve never felt this way with someone before. Lindsee never made me feel the way you make me feel.”

My chest shakes and tears roll down my cheek. I let out a big breath that I’ve been holding in. The room seems to spin. I look down at my feet, trying to catch my breath.

“Are you okay?” Jay reaches over and lifts my chin.

“Yes. No. I don’t know. I didn’t expect any of that to come out of you. I had a feeling something was wrong and this talk would come up before I left. Now that it has, I don’t know what to say.”

“Be honest with me. That’s all I’ve ever asked of you.”

“I just… I…” Ugh. Damn it. I’ve been thinking about what to say if this came up and now that it has, I don’t have the words.

“Everything keeps making my head spin. It’s hard to pinpoint what I want, how I feel, and what I should do.”

“What do you mean? Whatdoyou want? Do you want Aiden?”

“No. Not that. I’m divorcing him. There is no question there. I mean if I want to try something with you or not. I like you a lot too. I never expected my feelings to grow so much for you. My heart knew long ago that we were done, and I thought I would be much more hurt over him. My head just kept trying. I don’t know if it was out of comfort or what. I’m still confused about that myself. You know how they say to not jump into a relationship right after another one because those rarely work out? They say doing that brings your baggage from one relationship to the other.”

“Like a rebound?”

“Umm, yes, kind of like that. But I don’t see you as my rebound. I’m worried that if I don’t give myself time to heal from my marriage, I’ll ruin the chances of this relationship. I’m also worried that if I don’t give this a chance, you will move on, and I’ll regret not giving you a chance for the rest of my life. It’s not fair for you to wait for me. What if I end up not wanting another relationship? I don’t know what the future will be or how I’ll feel.”

The vibration from my phone makes me jump. I pull my phone out and see Aiden’s name appear on the screen. “Fuck,” I whisper to myself. We’re talking about our exes ruining this for us and here comes mine at the worst time possible. I reject the call and put the phone in my pocket. Jay stares at me, probably waiting for me to verify it was my ex calling.

“Was that him?” he asks, confirming my thoughts.

“Yes.”

“Do you see what I mean?” Jay shuts his laptop and gets up from the couch.

“Where are you going?”

“To get another beer.”

I keep my head down, feeling defeated. I’m so confused. The only person who made me feel myself was Jay, and now he’s even confused. The couch dips from Jay’s weight as he sits back down with a beer in his hand.

“What do—” A ding comes through my phone and cuts me off. I look up at Jay. He doesn’t even turn to look at me, he just sighs. We both know who it is. “Will you give us a little more time?”

Jay turns his head to face me. “How much more?”

“You know I’ve already filed the divorce papers. Aiden hasn’t signed them. I don’t know when he’s going to. I already told him we need to talk about our living situation. He doesn’t respond to that either. Lia is going to move in with me. That will at least keep him out and force him to sign the papers. I want the divorce to be final before I decide about my next move. That will help me gain some clarity, at least I hope. If you don’t want to wait, I understand. I’m trying here.”

“I know you are. It’s hard. One thing after another keeps happening. Let’s take this day by day and see what happens and where we end up.”

I lean over and hug him. “I can work with that.”

---