Page 51 of His Property

It had taken me a lot longer to get used to living in a place by myself than I realized it would. In many ways it felt like when I was staying with Ellis, that I was simply on a trip or a lark. It had never really felt like a legitimate or permanent living situation.

That’s because it wasn’t, Lola.

What most mystified me was the fact that Ellis never called, didn’t even text. I don’t know what it was I expected, but I definitely had not expected that. Why did it bother me so that he didn’t fight harder to keep me? I wondered if it was something to do with the fact that he never really had me. This whole thing was an ad hoc arrangement, inherently unstable and temporary, ephemeral. Perhaps he simply hadn’t gotten that attached to me. That thought hurt more than I expected it would.

Still, as I watched the rain come down outside, the sound of the pattering against the wall on the window and on the rooftop, alone in my crappy rundown apartment with virtually no furniture, it hit me. I was starting over again.

Fortunately, Craig had actually given me my old job back, which definitely helped me to feel like I was getting back to normal. Or at least some semblance of it.

I didn’t even cry that much anymore. The nights were still very hard, and I struggled with the loneliness, missing in a visceral, almost DNA-level way his touch and his scent, the sound of his deep, gruff voice. The visions of our sessions together, me being punished, kneeling for his cock, all of it swirled in my mind, over and over again. And at night it was the worst.

I couldn’t tell Michelle about that, of course. She’d never understand, tell me to forget him, to find a new man. It was probably good advice, but it didn’t mean I was going to take it. I didn’t want to forget Ellis Winters. I wanted to forget how I felt about him when he and I were together.

And I wanted to forget how much I missed him.

Perhaps it was always doomed from the beginning, a man nearly twice my age, with needs and desires and baggage that I could never hope to understand. What hurt most though was the feeling of loss, the sense that it was within my grasp. That if I’d only done something slightly differently, asked the right questions, listened just a little bit more… he would still be there by my side.

I switched off my lone floor lamp, and padded my way toward my bedroom. It wasn’t even quite dark yet, but I was ready for bed.

If nothing else, for a few hours, sleep offered a refuge from my hurt, and silenced that voice in my mind.

The same voice that whispered to me that I might have made the biggest mistake of my life.

CHAPTER25

Ellis

As I stood at the plate-glass window, gazing across the gray, rainy cityscape, Alicia’s voice droned on somewhere behind me. I should have had my mind on the project status reports she was relaying to me.

Instead, all I could think about was how things had gone so fucking sideways.

It was always a danger, of course, and I’d been on guard against it, that slow slide into developing deeper feelings for a woman, but I’d always managed to avoid such complications.

Until Lola.

What made it more frustrating was that it had snuck up entirely by surprise. I’d convinced myself I was the one in control here, and it wasn’t until she’d walked out that door that I’d realized I understood far, far less about what was happening between us than I’d ever imagined.

How could a young, inexperienced woman like her have you tied up in fucking knots, Ellis?

It was in the nature of that very question that I found my answer. I’d let my guard downbecauseshe was young and inexperienced. Or so I thought.

I’d only ever felt this way once before—and I’d resolved to never, ever allow myself to be in this position again. No matter what.

You aren’t in this position anymore. She left. You need to move on from this. She did you a favor.

I turned back from the window, dropping into my desk chair once more.

“Ellis, have you heard awordI’ve been saying to you for the last five minutes?” Alicia tapped her pen against her blush lips.

“Yes, and no.”

“That’s a big no.” She sighed, sitting back on the black leather of the couch. No office of mine was ever complete without one. Her open laptop was on the glass coffee table before her. She peered at me over the top of the screen. “What’s gotten into you? Is it… Lola?”

I shrugged. “It should be easy to just drop her and move on to someone else. Shouldn’t it?”

She scratched her temple as she looked upon me. “Nothing about love is easy, is it?”

“Who said anything about love?” I growled at her, trying much too hard to ignore what was increasingly obvious.

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