Page 35 of Need

“What I do requires hard work. Hard work has costs, especially when it comes to time. I can’t fix that.” He ran a hand through his hair, sipping from his coffee. “But I know it doesn’t matter now.”

I didn’t say anything for a moment, staring down at the carpet. “Time—you said it. It’s far more important than the damned money.” I stood up. “I need a husband who I know willbehere. How can I plan anything? How can I have a life with my husband… when he’s almost absentee?”

“I can’t be in two places at one time.” He lifted his mug. “Because physics.”

I sighed, weary at going over this yet again, and at the same time, haunted by the words in that letter.

And what it says about you.

We both knew what the letter’s conditions implied, what they highlighted. Nick was trying, valiantly, to salvage something that I wasn’t sure could be…and he was doing it despite the prospect that success would cost him over a million dollars.

If he failed to keep us together, though, didn’t he win too?

Are you trying to rationalize his behavior? Or yours?

“Great sex and chemistry…those don’t change the fact that half the time I felt like I was in a one-way marriage. I had co-workers who joked that I was lying about having ahusband.”

He winced. “Ouch.”

I held up a hand. “That’s…I know that’s not really important, but my point stands. What I need isn’t something you’re suddenly going to be able to give. Is it? Does this week do anything to change that?”

How many weeks a month was he gone? How many speculative trips was he required to go on?

“That life’s not for everyone,” Nick said.

“It’s not for everyone’s wife, either.” I cringed at the bitchy note in my voice.

Are you really going to throw this away? After what he’s shown you?

And it wasn’t just about this week, either. The revelation of the letter cast everything—and especially his motivations—in an entirely new light.

I wanted to hug him. Or fuck him. Or slap him. I wanted to tell him to give it up, and I hoped I could yell those hollow words loudly enough to drown out the voice in my heart pleading with me to stay.

I had to get out of that house before I started to hate myself.

Are you fleeing because it’s hopeless? Or because you’re scared?

But I didn’t even know what it was I was actually afraidof. This new Nick? If it was only that, I’d jump in with both feet. I wanted more. I wanted to learn how deep this new side of him went. Intriguing didn’t even begin to scratch the surface.

No, it ran much deeper than that, the possibility that what I’d assumed was true, that the door I’d convinced myself was shut and locked…wasn’t closed at all.

It looked like it had been taken off its fucking hinges now.

“I’m going to get dressed and go back to the hotel.”

He took a long breath but didn’t rise from his chair. “Are you saying the words?”

They rung in my head too. Dennis had been very clear about them in our last session, after he’d proposed the seven days process. To end things, to stop everything, either one of us had to say it, clearly and calmly, and in the exact order:

“I’ve had enough. I withdraw my consent. I don’t want to do this anymore.”

How close had I come over the past several days? The words had been on my lips, my tongue countless times.

But I’d never spoken them.

And I still couldn’t.

Why?

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