Page 81 of Sext Addict

Sniffling rather pathetically, I parted my fingers so I could spy Jamie, Ellis, and Cade all standing in front of me five stairs down.

Ellis shrugged. “So what if nothing changes?” he clarified. “So what if everything stays exactly the way it is, right this very moment?”

Cade, with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his loose sweat pants, looked at me with a kind, gentle smile. “So what if we all stay together, supporting each other despite the lack of fame or money or success?” he asked. “So what if it stays exactly like that and never changes?”

Ellis nodded and said, “So what if the love we have for one another is the only success we care about? So what if we eat ramen for the rest of our lives, as long as we eat it together?”

“So what if you’re jobless and I don’t go to law school and Ellis never wins an Oscar and Jamie gets kicked out of every band there ever was so long as we fail together?” Cade said next.

“So what if they pick someone else and it launches her career and she earns a star on the Walk of Fame?” Ellis asked. “She doesn’t have what we have. And she never will. She doesn’t haveus.”

It took an extended moment of silence for Jamie to notice Cade and Ellis staring at him. He nodded and mumbled, before saying, “Right, right, I see what we’re doing here.”

I laughed through the tears as he turned his attention to me.

“So what if all we ever accomplish in this life,” Jamie said, passion filling his rough voice, driving it even louder, “is fucking each other and holding each other and fucking each other some more and laughing with each other and drinking wine or whiskey or vodka or kombucha, or whatever the fuck it’s called, all of that together,” he said, eyes aflame. “So what if the only thing we do perfect is this?”

Jamie awkwardly gestured to the four of us with his big bear-paw hands. He cleared his throat and scratched at his neck as his cheeks reddened slightly. It was the first time I ever saw the man get embarrassed about anything. And he was standing in downtown LA in nothing but his boxers.

“Happy?” he asked grumpily, averting his eyes to stare at his bare toes.

Through my tears I nodded. Swiping them away I stood and walked into the awaiting, wide arms of each of my men. They encompassed me, holding me tightly from all sides. I closed my eyes and leaned my head against one of their chests. I wasn’t sure whose chest it was. And it didn’t matter.

“I changed my mind about the sex study because I didn’t want anything to change between us,” I said, sniffling, trying to explain to my men what still was confusing in my head. “I thought if we were picked and the doctors said we weren’t compatible, or when the study was over and the erotic idea of it had faded, that I’d lose you all. I’d lose us. And I think that’s why I freaked out about this audition. Itishuge. And itcouldchange my life. And I’d been equating the audition with the sex study, not even realizing I was worrying about the same thing.”

“I get it,” Jamie said simply, surprising me—and surprising Cade and Ellis, too, each of whom looked at him with understanding in their eyes. “You weren’t ready to trust who you really are. Who we really are.”

My breathing evened out and sobs no longer caused my chest to shake. I smiled, and suddenly it seemed like a spotlight was on me, shining and shimmering and filling me with warmth.

I didn’t have money nor was I an actress yet, but I had success, the greatest success. And I needed to be brave enough to admit that to myself.

“Nothing is riding on this audition, Tessa,” Ellis said. “Nothing at all.”

“You’re already perfect to us,” Cade added.

After a quiet moment, Jamie spoke just loud enough to be heard over the honking of horns, chatter of pedestrians, and radios of cars stuck in the perpetual LA traffic, windows rolled down in the heat.

“We’re perfect,” was what he said.

“I know,” I said simply. “And I believe.”

I let them hold me tight for a precious moment longer before pushing them gently away. I breathed in deeply, smoothed down my hair, and looked up at them with unwavering eyes.

“I’m going to go back inside.”

Each man smiled down at me. Ellis reached over and brushed a stray tear from my cheek. Jamie squeezed my shoulder in his big hand.

And Cade said, “We’ll be here, waiting. All of us.”

I blew them a kiss and hoped it conveyed just the tiniest fraction of my thanks for each and every one of them in my life. I would get the part. Or I wouldn’t.

But it wouldn’t determine my happiness, either way.

Even if I didn’t get the acting part, I’d get a job as a waitress, just like other struggling actresses in L.A. It might mean less time to devote to auditioning, but it would also mean I could support myself and stay where I belonged, here with Ellis, Cade, and Jamie, who were clearly around for the long haul. Even if I waited tables all day and all night, I’d be happy.

Because happiness was being the real me. Happiness was the confidence I’d uncovered from deep down within me with the help of my three men. Happiness was their fingers against my skin at night and their arms around me in the morning and that wasn’t going anywhere. They would be waiting for me.

All of them.

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