Page 34 of A Hero in Hiding

“You do?” Brandon asks and before Lex can assure him that he does not, Brandon is off. “How do you stay erect for longer? My girl is just so damn pretty I just get too excited, you know?”

Lex hasn’t blinked once. He’s still staring me in the eyes like I’ve somehow betrayed him.

Brandon looks at a loss. “S&Mmhmm Man? Oh my god. I’ve been so rude! I didn’t know he was deaf! I know sign language!” he says as he starts trying to mime a penis—a large one judging by the way his hands go around it and slide up and down the mighty shaft. The balls are bulbous, absolute heaps of sac based on the way he’s gesturing. There is not a single glimpse of sign language involved, but the penis hand gestures are the highlight of my day.

“Brandon, you’re confusing him,” August says, trying to protect my brother for some reason.

“Oh wow,” I say. “Can you tell him about blow jobs using sign language?”

“Of course I can!” my brother says as he mimes deep throating the biggest invisible penis I’ve ever seen.

“Baker, do you ever feel uncomfortable?” I ask since Baker is on his lap.

“Nah, makes me feel young again,” Baker decides for some weird reason. I’m not quite sure how my brother deep throating an invisible penis makes him young, but everyone has their thing. Who am I to judge?

“So, Lex, do you need better clarification?” I ask.

Lex slowly nods. “I… do. What happens if there are two penises?”

Brandon’s eyes get quite wide. “Oh! I never thought of that! I don’t know!” he says as he holds two invisible penises. “Brother, what do you do with TWO penises?”

“Moistman actually has three, so I don’t know about two.”

Brandon gasps. “You do?”

August stares at me like I’ve betrayed him. “Just one.”

Brandon looks deflated. “Oh. That’s disappointing.”

I’m not quite sure why he’d be disappointed, but eh.

Mom pulls up to the water park and we all fall out of the vehicle in front of a cute little family looking stupid. They gawk at us as we head toward the line but are held up a bit by the crowd. There’s an old lady in a wheelchair wheeling for all she’s worth that weshouldslow down for or perhaps even help since her grandchild doesn’t seem to have the strength to, but instead, we barrel past to get in front of her.

“I have to help her,” August says as he breaks formation and rushes over to do so. “Ma’am, let me help you.”

“You think I look old or something, punk?” she growls. “You think I look weak, and my brittle bones can’t push me?”

August freezes. “Um… no? I’m sorry, ma’am.”

She glares at August who hurries back to me.

“How’d that go?”

“She actually loved my help and told me that she wishes she had a grandchild like me,” he says.

I grin at him and give him an encouraging pat for attempting to be a decent human being.

Dad scouts out the line for a moment before turning to us. “I once heard that you can get in for free by walkingbackwardsthrough the exit gate!” Dad says as he proceeds to try just that while the staff stare at him. I think they feel so bad for him that they actually let him walk backwards into the park without paying. Or maybe they don’t get paid enough to deal with this bullshit.

Mom pays for the rest of us, so we eagerly head in. There are three separate pool areas, each with different slides, as well as a lazy river and a wave pool. Mom turns to Lex. “Which pool do you want?”

Lex eyes them before pointing at the one with the neatest-looking slides. “That one.”

“Gather,” Mom says, and they all huddle up in a “nefarious” circle. “We need ideas on how to clear the pool.”

Brandon gasps.

“No,” I say immediately.

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