Page 32 of A Hero in Hiding

“My girlfriend likes them too! She said that it doesn’t matterhowsmall my penis is because my muscles make her wet!”

Lex immediately stops stroking him and turns to look me in the eyes. “I feel extremely uncomfortable right now.”

“That’s just the natural feeling when you’re around my brother,” I say.

“Can I be put down? I’d love to be placed upon my feet,” Lex says.

“Are you going with us too?” Brandon asks.

“Where?” Lex asks, clearly uncertain until he gets a good look at all of us decked out in our supervillain suits. Then he gasps. “Are we being supervillains?”

“Don’t get too excited, it’s a SAVCGEM meeting,” I say.

“Yes please,” Lex says, even though I’m positive that I didn’t invite him. But hell, what’s one more member.

“Fine. I don’t know if I have another suit for you, so I guess just like tie a shirt around your face or something. Hell… we’ll find something in the house for you.”

* * *

Lex is far too excited as we walk into the meeting hall. My mother and father, who are both one hundred percent idiots, light right up when they see me walking in with a newcomer.

To hide Lex’s face, I shoved some fishnets over his head which have given me nothing but pure joy since. I didn’t think he’d actually keep them on but here he is, looking like he’s ready for sexy time with his fishnets. The fishnet part has wide gaps, so absolutely everyone could figure out who he is if they really wanted, but most seem to go along with whoever I bring with me or maybe they just don’t care.

“My baby has another friend!” Mom declares, and everyone in the room stands up and claps. Like thunderous applause as though I’ve just graduated from Harvard. Mom’s miming the wiping of tears from her eyes.

“I hateallof you,” I make sure they know. “But I also brought snacks.” I toss down a bag of celery, unwashed, uncut. Just toss the bag down with no shits given. The hero thing to do would have been to make cookies or brownies, so I opted for the villain aka lazy way of doing things.

“I LOVE celery!” Brandon says as he rushes over to it and grabs a couple of stalks.

“How delightful!” my father announces as everybody else snubs their noses at my celery. When Brandon realizes this, he takes a couple more stalks and holds them in his fists with delight written across his face.

“Seats, everyone! Please, hurry to your seats!” Dad calls. “It is time to start the—”

I don’t hear the rest of what he says over Brandon chomping on celery; the noise bounces around the room with each ear-shattering crunch.

“As I was saying—”

More crunching. He’s double fisting them now.

Dad clears his throat while staring at Brandon, who has absolutely no idea why Dad is struggling to give his speech. “AS I WAS—”

Brandon’s chomping to town as August starts laughing, and I glance over at him in surprise. I absolutely love it when he just lets go and allows himself to enjoy something ridiculous. Then Lex is snickering and we’re laughing while absolutely no one else seems to get how hilarious this is. Especially not Brandon.

“What? Oh no… I missed the joke again… Landon, can you please explain it?” he asks.

“You didn’t miss anything,” I assure him. “Do you want another celery stalk?”

“I sure do.”

“Eat them all,” I say as he hurries over to gather more while my father tries to go over the minutes and info from the last meeting in superspeed while Brandon is on the move, but Brandon’s too fast. I hear absolutelynoneof it, but my father will not be deterred and gives it a valiant effort until the final stalk has been consumed.

“ANYWAY. We have a new member today. My baby boy has brought another friend!” Dad announces.

“I didn’t think he had any friends!” Baker, an elderly man who I kind of like, says.

“They’re closer to me than your droopy balls are to your body,” I retort.

“My wife likes them like that,” he says. “She says she likes to watch them swing.”

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