Page 4 of Exposed

There was a planter in my new backyard. Nothing like the huge ones Miller handmade for me. But it was still a planter. And I had no idea why there was a tree in it. Planters were for gardens.

I heaved the small tree to the new stone pot I’d picked up at the hardware store. I would have felt bad for moving things around, but I had every intention of purchasing this home as soon as Tanner told me the listing price. And this planter needed tomatoes. It needed little Henrys.

I wiped a bead of sweat off my forehead as I kneeled in front of the dirt. Nothing soothed my soul as much as this. I’d spent hours every week in my garden back home.

Home.

The word felt like a knife in my chest.

I tried to focus on the neat little rows I was planting. I’d bought tomato plants that were already healthy rather than seeds. It wasn’t the right season for tomatoes. But I really needed them here. I covered the last one’s roots with soil.

“Hey, Henry.” I pulled off my gloves. “I know it’s small back here. But it’ll have to do, okay?” I sat cross-legged in the grass and stared at my new tomato plant. And I knew full well that I was distracting myself by talking to my Henrys instead of talking to Miller.

My bottom lip started to tremble.

God, when would the tears stop? When would the pain stop?

But I knew that wasn’t how it worked. Losing my mom devastated me. Losing my uncle too. But this? There was a hole in my heart. A Miller-sized hole. And I had a feeling it would never heal properly.

I’d spent the past few hours rearranging the backyard to plant Henrys. And they’d just die in a few days because the nights were growing chilly. I didn’t want to watch them die too.

“You need a heater,” I said. “Don’t you, Henry?” Did they make space heaters for plants?Probably.But it wasn’t too cold out tonight. It could wait until later. I just needed to figure it out before the first frost came. And I still had more to do to transform the small space right now.

I grabbed the string of lights out of my bag. Now I just needed to figure out how to hang these up. This would definitely make the backyard feel like the lake house. I looked up at the sky, my eyes landing on the North Star.

And the tears started all over again.

“Hey,” I said.

I knew I looked crazy back here. Talking to my plants and talking to the sky. But I didn’t really care.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here, Miller,” I said. I blinked and the star grew blurry. “We had our whole future planned. And I feel so…stuck in the past here.”

The star just shone back in silence.

“It was great getting to see Kennedy and Mrs. Alcaraz again. And James. And Rob. And Mason. But I messed up today. And I hurt Kennedy in the process. I don’t even recognize myself here.”

Silence.

Since when was the city so quiet? “Despite what Tanner thinks, I don’t believe that running to Matt is the answer. I think that Kennedy’s happy with him. And I want her to be happy. That’s all I ever wanted. Was for everyone to be happy.” I looked down at my lap. That was part of the reason I’d stayed away. I thought everyonewashappy.

“My dad played tricks on me. Everyone was smiling in those pictures. But you saw it, Miller. You told me that you thought Matt looked sad. His eyes looked pained. And for a while, I saw it too. Until suddenly I didn’t.”

I wiped my tears away. “I don’t regret anything. Because it all led me to you.” I looked back up at the sky. “And Matt’s not the answer. Because I can’t tell him that I’m sorry. I can’t tell him that I regret my choices back then. Because I don’t. Because they gave me you. They gave me Jacob. I can’t apologize for any of it. So he’ll never forgive me.”

I swear the star shined a little brighter.

“He won’t. And I don’t want him to. I want Kennedy and him to be happy. Besides…” My voice trailed off. “He always wanted lots of kids. I told you once that Matt and I talked about that. Back at the beach house, I think. I told you a lot of things about Matt at the beach house.” I’d filled up the silence back then, trying to remind myself to be loyal. I’d wasted so much time on Matt. So much time I could have been with Miller.

But I couldn’t regret that either. Because I’d found my way to Miller anyway. And we’d made our own family.

I put my hand on my stomach. And I tried not to think about all the wasted pregnancy tests. “Kennedy and him will be happy together. They’ll fill a house with children.” I wouldn’t be able to give him that. I’d been trying to get pregnant again for years to no avail.

“Jacob and I are going to just surround ourselves with Henrys.” I smiled to myself. “And I’m going to figure out how to hang these lights. And I’ll watch football with him on Sundays. And dance with him every night while we cook dinner. And I’ll keep living by keeping the memory of you alive.”

I stood up. “Does that work? Does that fulfill the promise to keep living? It won’t be like when I went to California. Back when I decided that happiness was a bonus to your heart beating. I’ll be happy with Jacob. Just him. Please just tell me that’s okay.”

I waited for the wind to blow. For the leaves on the tree to rustle. For any sign that Miller agreed with my decision. But the night was eerily still.

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