Page 11 of Double Devotion

“It’s fine,” Michael is surprised and embarrassed. And at once, the good vibes in the air around us for the last couple of hours were completely gone. “My heart was broken and I’m honestly trying to figure out what’s wrong with me.”

“Would you like to share?” I ask.

“Yes, but not right now,” he replies. “Perhaps later. Let’s finish our meal and go diving? What do you say?”

Michael’s flawless body disclosed the fact that extreme sports were his bread and butter, and me? The most extreme thing I had ever done was scuba diving, during which I was also high.

“Listen, Michael, it sounds like so much fun, but I’m scared! Just being at the open sea triggers my fear of sharks; surely you know of that phobia?”

“Is there anyone who hasn’t?” he laughs. “But despite what you may have seen in movies, sharks aren’t attracted to human flesh. In fact, you could say that sharks only eat people in movies,” he smiles. “The more you try, the more confidence you’ll gain and overcome your fear.” He smiles and explains astonishingly well. He’s so smart; a man of the world. I wonder if there’s something he doesn’t know about or hasn’t done.

“Fine. I trust you. But only for a short time,” I ask.

“Alright,” he immediately agrees, “don’t worry, I promise to keep you safe.” He smiles widely.

“Okay, in that case, let’s do it.”

“Looks good,” he replies after he helps me into the diving suit and zips it in one movement.

He smiles his toothy, pearly white smile, takes my hand and attaches the diving gear. He teaches me a couple of basic hand gestures0 and explains that he is a qualified diving instructor and I have nothing to worry about. That answer satisfies me and I trust him, yet I’m still somewhat concerned.

We’re ready. We’re standing side-by-side and looking beyond the magical horizon.

“The sea looks amazing. Rather calm. It’s perfect for our dive,” he explains. “Are you ready?”

“Ready is a relative term.”

“...one!” I jump with him into the most miraculous adventure I could have ever imagined.

There I am, diving with my idol, hand in hand, moving towards the coral reef, the anemones, and all kinds of sea creatures of various sizes and colors, some even luminescent. Striped and vivacious fish swim past us. An infinite variety of species, each school preserving its own uniqueness, however, all intermingling with harmony, moving towards and away from one another in rhythm with the current, painting my soul with shades of optimism, oblivion and complete and utter bliss.

Michael is so tolerant with me throughout the entire dive. He makes different gestures with his hands, pointing to draw my attention to the wonderous things around me, and the sensations and richness overwhelms me. He’s so gentle, yet, oh so masculine, I muse. I feel like letting everything go and forgetting it all. To cling onto him, explore amazing experiences, and stay enveloped in his arms for my entire life.

Michael gestures with his hands ‘time-out’ and points up. We rise together, each of us pushing the water downwards and our bodies upwards, again and again, until we can see the sun reflecting on the water, casting hues of distant lights and the familiar reality, so pleasant, silent and magical. Both our heads rise above the water, we remove the snorkel mouthpiece, and take a deep breath. Michael is still holding onto my hand.

“Slowly, slowly,” he says, as he drags me to the yacht’s ladder. I yield to his demands and follow his orders, but my thoughts are focused now only on his hands that tightly wrap around my waist, supporting me as I climb back up to the yacht.

I sense our mutual shyness and the sexual tension between us growing thicker.

“That’s it,” he says, pleased, “we’re out. Let’s go take a shower and look normal again.” He gestures at his frog-like feet, then holds onto my hand again and leads me to the shower.

I agree. I remove the diving and bathing suit, happy to be back in my own skin. The water here is great. I feel completely detached. Maybe I’m only dreaming? Hang on, could this even be? I take a shower and everything is quiet around me; all I can hear is the gushing water.

“I finished showering!” I announce out loud and quickly dry myself off. I throw on one of the beach dresses I had bought, light grey with small black heel shoes.

I dry my hair with a blow dryer, apply some body lotion and moisturizer that I’ve found in the washing room. Then, I pull out my makeup bag from my purse. Luckily, I always take it with me. I smile at my reflection in the mirror. I apply some lip gloss, mascara and a touch of blush. Then I hang the small purse I had bought on my shoulder, only big enough to hold my cellphone and cigarettes. Then I climb back on deck and see him preoccupied with his phone, smiling, answering, sending, becoming annoyed, then sighing.

Suddenly, he notices I’ve arrived, and an impressive and toothy smile spreads on his face.

“Oh, you look beautiful.” He’s pleased. “Did you enjoy diving?”

“Did I enjoy it?! It’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me, especially recently. Thank you,” I kiss his cheek with true gratitude. The more I think of it, it saddens me. How could it be that in such a short time with Matthew, only eight years, I had managed to lose myself and my identity? How is it that I stopped doing things I had once loved, discovering the world, experimenting and exploring. After all, I was once driven by emotion, spontaneous and easygoing. I used to be a curious woman who found interest in almost in every field. I’ve always believed that a lack of knowledge was a form of ignorance, and people must always strive for self-fulfillment and creativity. I hoped that Roy would ‘catch’ my sense of curiosity, that he’d always follow his passions. But unfortunately, my misery had dulled his little heart. Damn it! What’s left of me? There’s no doubt that I’ve changed a lot. If I would have at least gotten something out of it, some appreciation or respect, from the man who was supposed to love me through good times and bad. However, the good times were always his, and the bad were mine.

“Really?” Michael teases me, bringing me back to the present, “for me too. Thank you,” he adds as he warmly kisses me back on the cheek and smiles.

“You’re welcome, but what do you mean?” I ask, “what exactly did I give you?”

Michael’s expression becomes serious. He grabs my chin and peers into my eyes.

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