Page 31 of The Innovator

She didn’t seem uptight like she did at work. But work was a place that demanded people be a certain way. For instance, I played a role to ensure no one knew my real identity. So far, my mission in Providence hadn’t yielded any helpful information.

I returned my attention to Grayson, who was still at the counter. Electricity had zinged through me from the moment he sat down. My body was still warm from all the wild images that had popped into my head when he mentioned his dream. The attraction between us throbbed in my body, especially when he pushed his thigh next to mine. Being with someone like him was entering a dangerous territory that would lead me to heartache, and yet, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering about the “what-ifs.”

What if being with Grayson was the anomaly I’d been waiting for?

What if he crushed my heart to where it could no longer be salvageable?

What if I lost myself if I gave in to this need?

I couldn’t let my desire distract my goal.

Focus on why you’re here. Forget about the pleasure. Forget about how he looks at you and thinks he knows what’s under your clothes.

Grayson returned to the table with a chocolate shake and a croissant for me.

“Thank you,” I said. “I’ll pay you back.”

“Just answer my question, and we’re cool. Why Jean-Paul Sartre?” He gestured to the book on the table and began eating his sandwich.

Something had changed while we sat in this bookstore. Our conversation had shifted to a friendly discussion about philosophy. That was something I’d never expected. Rafael used to roll his eyes every time he saw me reading one of my self-help or philosophical books.

“Because he appeared at a vulnerable moment in my life and saved me.”

“How?” His eyes sparked with interest.

I shiver as I scoot away from the awful screeching. My hand touches the cold metal surface and sharp edges of what feels like a lantern. I find a switch and flick it on. Soft light glows just enough for me to see old books in random piles around me. One book sits beside me,Being and Nothingness. It has dust and a fat stain on the cover. I need something to keep the fear away, so I flip the book open and read.

I tapped at my croissant. “This is a being in itself. It can’t make decisions. It is what it is.” I placed a hand over my heart. “Thisis a beingforitself. It has choices.The will to survive.” I met his eyes, and his genuine curiosity opened my heart. I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing down my face. My voice broke. “That first time I stumbled on the book, I only read a paragraph, but I connected with it. It showed me I had a choice to fight back.”

Concerned, Grayson offered me a napkin for my tears. “Sartre has a way with revelation.”

“I’m sure Sartre meant something much deeper, but for a frightened eight-year-old girl, I molded the meaning to suit my circumstance. After that, I was drawn to philosophy because it helped me make sense of things that usually didn’t, you know.” I dabbed away the tears. “This is so embarrassing. I don’t even know why I’m crying.”

He cupped my face with both hands, catching more tears with his thumbs. “It’s the damn croissant, isn’t it? Too much onion?”

I laughed, appreciating his attempt to lighten up the mood. “Yeah. Definitely an overdose of onion and other spices.” I glared at the plain croissant that had somehow become my savior.

“I’ll demand a refund and get you a dozen plain ones. No more crying, okay?” He tapped my chin, holding my face a little longer, before releasing it.

At that moment, my heart moved a little closer to him, wondering who this man was. He had a caring side I hadn’t seen before.

His cultured voice, the sound of his laugh, the glint in his eyes, even that damn dimple—everything about him had shades and textures. They caressed my body like the serrated edge of a knife, teasing my senses enough to make me crave danger.

Something was seriously wrong with me for being turned on by that.

I knew I had to stay away from a man like him. So why was I closer to him now than before?

Questions swam in his eyes. “I want to know what happened to you.”

I’d never shared that experience with anyone, not even my parents.

“Maybe someday, but not today. I’m not ready.”

I shifted in my seat, tugging at the hem of my dress as though I could tug my thoughts into place. I felt lost, but also very found. That made no sense at all. Having this serious conversation with Grayson wasn’t supposed to happen. We were supposed to be discussing the Three Point Park project or disputing something, but somehow, the conversation took an unexpected turn and made me cry in front of him.

Something about him made me feel safe and taken care of. I could be myself and not pretend. Pretense took so much energy. I felt like I didn’t have to hide anything from him, which was silly because we didn’t know each other that well.

He nodded. “I’m ready whenever you are.”

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