Page 81 of The Mastermind

Dr. Finnegan was right. The guilt had never left me. In fact, it had grown in size over the years. It sat like an immovable lump in my soul. That was why I couldn’t move on.

“I can only move forward once I heal from the source that caused the guilt. From there, more doors will unlock, and maybe I’ll see who that figure was. I believe the unknown silhouette is just one part of the entire memory wanting to surface.”

The doctor nodded and offered me a warm smile. “Your articulation is destroying the guilt bit by bit.”

The conversation made me realize my fear of fire wasn’t the main issue. I had thought if I could overcome my fear of it, I would be okay, but fire wasn’t the root of my illness. It was something deeper. I was ready to dive into that wound so I could give it what it needed to recover.

“The first step in healing is to know exactly what you want. Your statements show you’re taking a huge step forward.” Dr. Finnegan patted the couch, signifying for me to lie down.

“I’ll be right here beside you. When you hear my voice telling you wake up, you can do so. You still have control, and most importantly, you’resafe.”

“Okay.” I swallowed and lowered to the couch, pulling the throw over me. My breathing slowed and my body relaxed.

“Just breathe and follow my guidance,” Dr. Finnegan said in her soothing voice. “We’re traveling back to when you were eight years old. You are watching the scene unfold. You are safe. Tell me what’s happening?”

Smoke billows everywhere, and my eyes burn from trying to see. The heat from the fire bites my skin, and my body flinches. Snapping noises erupt around me, and I hear the swoosh of fire eating the pages of the books. They make odd sounds like eerie whispers. The smell of burned paper sneaks up my nose, reminding me of burned leaves.

Mommy and Daddy will be so angry. I didn’t mean to drop the candle.

I’m so sorry.

The heat slaps at my face and body as I lower to the floor on my hands and knees, just like the firefighters taught us at school. Beside me, Mochi meows and freaks, darting here and there. I try to reach for him, but he’s too frantic.

I cough and choke. Something crashes, and I glance up to see a figure in the window, looking around. It’s a dark silhouette that zooms in and out. I think I’m hallucinating. Why is it dark? Why can’t I see him?

I smell gasoline. It gives me a headache. The stench overwhelms me and I want to puke. Every time the figure zooms in, the smell of gasoline increases. The smoke, heat, and fire seem to dim in comparison to the figure and gasoline.

When the figure zooms out, I feel hopeful. “Daddy?” Can he see me?

When the figure zooms in, I feel an icy dread. My brain isn’t working correctly. I’m confused at the chills that race through me while the fire flares around me.

Smoke billows again and blurs the figure as he steps away from the window.

At that moment, I ponder if the figure is a ghost of my dad, coming back to check on me. Is he reminding me to grieve him? To grieve for Mochi. To forgive myself? My chest tightens at the thought.

“Daddy! I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay.” Dr. Finnegan’s voice echoed in my head as a gentle hand tapped my shoulder. “You’re safe. Breathe. You can open your eyes now.”

I flipped open my teary eyes, concentrating on my breathing, and took in the cozy room and lavender scent. My racing heart steadied as I reached for the box of tissues to dry my eyes. I turned to face Dr. Finnegan, who smiled at me.

“Lie there for as long as you need. Your body needs time to adjust. The fluctuation between the hypnotic and realistic state of mind can be hard, especially in the first few sessions.”

“It felt so real,” I said, recalling the sensations. “It was an interesting process.”

The session illuminated an issue I had buried deep. I hadn’t grieved for my dad or Mochi. I was afraid to look at their deaths because I didn’t want tofeelagain how my heart and soul had completely shattered.

“You did a great job. I’ll give you some techniques to try at home before bedtime or whenever you feel like it. You can sit up when you’re ready. Take as much time as you need. I’ll move over to my desk to type up some notes.”

“Okay, thank you.”

I had to take advantage of this opportunity while it was still fresh in my mind. Closing my eyes, I jumped back into that hypnotic state again. It was probably a bad idea, but I felt safe, and something nudged me to do it.

Meow.

Mochi’s last meow clings to me as I try to reach for him, but I can’t move. His little body is crushed by a fallen shelf, which would have broken my leg, but Mochi saved me. I shove the shelf away, but it’s too late. His tail has already caught fire. The smells of burned fur and flesh seep into my nose, my skin, into every part of my body. I tremble as though the scent of death has poisoned me. I stare at my best friend and wish to die with him.

Somehow the image fades, and another one pops up.

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