Page 41 of Made for Us

“I have no idea,” I tell her the truth. The anger is less now that I told her why what she did was wrong.

“The only person I wanted to tell was you.” She is the one who doesn’t give me a chance to say anything now. “But I was a chicken, okay?” She swallows, and I can see her hands shaking. “I was so fucking afraid I would tell you, and you would tell me you didn’t want the baby. I was so scared you would tell me to get rid of it, and then I would end up hating you.”

“How can you think so little of me?” Her words cut right through me. “How can you think I wouldn’t want a child?”

“I have no idea what to think because we didn’t exactly talk about it.” She gets up. “We went from being really awkward with each other…” She puts her hand on the side of her head. “Maybe I was the awkward one, but whatever, we went from that to jumping each other like lions in the forest.” Her voice now goes a touch lower. “I am sorry I never put myself in your shoes. I am sorry I didn’t come to you when I found out. I can never erase that mistake.” She grabs her purse in her hand. “I hope in time you can forgive me.” She puts the straps over her shoulder. “I hope, even though you now hate me, we can put aside the difference for the baby.” She turns and starts to walk out of the room, my heart going to my throat.

“I don’t hate you,” I say to her. I can never hate you, I don’t say. “But just so you know, this changes everything.”

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

ABIGAIL

“I have no idea what to think because we didn’t exactly talk about it.” I get up, no longer able not to say anything. “We went from being really awkward with each other…” I put my hands on the side of my head. “Maybe I was the awkward one, but whatever it is, we went from that to jumping each other like lions in the forest.” My breathing comes in pants as I lower my voice. “I am sorry I never put myself in your shoes. I am sorry I didn’t come to you when I found out. I can never erase that mistake.” I grab the purse in my hand, knowing I have to get out of here before I crumble. “I hope in time you can forgive me.” I put the straps over my shoulder. “I hope, even though you hate me, we can put aside the difference for the baby.” I turn, getting ready to walk out of the room without letting him know that him hating me is what I was trying to avoid. I start to walk out of the room without letting him know I love him, regardless of how he feels for me.

“I don’t hate you.” His words make me stop in my tracks, but I’m afraid to look over at him. I’m teetering on the edge. “But just so you know, this changes everything.”

My head tells me not to look at him, but my heart, my heart tells me I need one more look at him. So I turn back and look at him standing there with tears streaming down his face. The anguish, the guilt, everything there for me to see. Something I never saw before, something he hid really well. All I can do is nod at him before I turn and walk out of the room toward the front door. My own tears stream down my face one after another, so many I don’t bother wiping them away as I step out into the warm air. I take a deep inhale but the sob rips through me and all I can do is put my hand in front of my mouth. I rush away from his door to the car, getting in and driving away as fast as I can.

My head is spinning, my body feels numb, and when I walk into the house, Gabriella is waiting in the living room for me. “How did it go?” She looks over at me, seeing my face, and she sits up a little bit more.

“So much worse than I thought it would go.” I walk toward the stairs. “I need a shower. I’ll tell you everything tomorrow.” She just smiles at me sadly

“I’m here if you need me,” she reminds me, knowing I need to be alone.

I don’t even bother switching on the lights as I step in my bathroom and turn on the shower. I place my hand in the stream of the water, turning it just right before I undress and step in. Only when the water is washing over my face do I let the sob that I was holding in escape me. My body shakes as I put a hand in the middle of my chest, right over my heart. The same heart that literally shattered in my chest. Listening to him tell me all the guilt he had, all I wanted to do was get up and go to him. All I wanted to do was tell him he was the best dad I’ve ever seen. All I wanted to do was take that pain away from him. All I wanted to do was go back to the beginning to when I found out. All I wanted to do was hold his face in my hands as I told him I was sorry, so fucking sorry. All I wanted was to take the pain away from him. To shoulder it, to fight with him and tell him that it’s not his fault—none of it was his fault—not before and not now.

I let the water wash away the tears, if I’m honest, the tears blend into the water. Getting out, my body feels like it’s run a marathon. I slip a shirt on and a pair of panties before getting into bed. Turning on my side and looking out the window, the shade is still open, showing me the soft twinkling of the stars.

I close my eyes and all I see is his face. All I hear are his words. “First heartbeat, first picture, first breath. first cry, first smile, first time she crawled. First time she took a step. First time she fell and got hurt, I wasn’t there for her. I missed it all. It was ripped away from me, and I vowed to myself that the next time it happened. The next time I had a child, it would be different. I was not going to miss anything.”

I can’t help the tears that still come, to know I made him feel this guilt again. Knowing I am the reason is just too much for me to bear. I have to make it up to him, I have to do what I can for him to never feel that way about our child.

I sleep on and off all night long, and when I wake up in the morning, I know what I have to do. Grabbing my phone while I make my breakfast, I send a text out.

I need a favor.

I have no idea if she will answer or if she is on call. I’ll give her an hour, and if she doesn’t answer me back, I’ll go to my plan B.

I pop a bagel in the toaster, getting the cream cheese, when my phone pings. I walk over and grab my phone, seeing it’s from her.

Emmy:

For you anything.

Can you squeeze me in today?

I don’t have a chance to even put the phone down before it is ringing in my hand and I see it’s her. “Hello, Dr. Emmy,” I greet softly.

“Abigail,” she says my name and I can hear that she’s walking. “What’s the matter?” she asks, her voice filled with worry.

“Nothing,” I tell her and take a deep breath. “Everything is good, it’s just.” I stop talking for a second not sure how to say what I need to say. “I’d like to have another ultrasound.”

“I can see you today at two.” She doesn’t even ask me another question. “Unless you want it now.”

“I think two will work,” I reply, looking at the clock and seeing it’s just after eight. “If anything doesn’t, I’ll text you back.”

“See you at two,” she states and hangs up the phone. I take a deep breath before I call the next number.

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