Page 74 of A Song of Thieves

Maybe I don’t deserve to ever figure it out, to ever not feel the swirling emptiness that sucks me away whenever I think of that day and the hollowness of a world without him. I would deserve nothing less.

But right now, standing across from Ari— I can finally see the distance I’ve put between me and my true desires. His death will never leave me, but maybe it doesn’t have to. I can still live, even though he will never again. I let myself die that day too. And maybe that is a dishonor to his memory, of that young boy so full of life before it was ripped away too soon.

“At least you had people who cared about your future.” Her eyes pull down at the edges, her earlier irritation subdued into a quiet sigh. I hesitate for a moment, my head unsure, but my heart yearning.

Our stories are different, but our feelings are the same. We desperately want to have a say in the future. To protect those we care about. To love and be loved. To be cared for. To see our dreams come true— to be able to have dreams in the first place.

Evander’s last breaths may haunt me forever, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. But does that mean I should never be happy? Guilt and yearning clash inside of me, water and fire furious with their approach. But I close the door to that fight, the searching eyes of the girl in front of me craving to be acknowledged instead. I can give that to her.

I want to give that to her.

I take a deep breath before I close the distance between us, cupping her face in both my hands. “I care about your future.”

Tears slowly fill her eyes. “No you don’t,” she whispers, trying to turn away. But I wrap my fingers around the back of her neck, stepping closer.

“I do.” I tilt her face until her eyes meet mine. “I’m truly sorry, Ari. I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for how I treated you when we met, and the days after. I’m sorry for the pain you’ve had to endure. I don’t pretend to know the hardships you’ve faced in your life. They are so different than my own. But I want to know. Will you tell me?” Her eyes search mine, not yet willing to commit to something she’s unsure of. I don’t blame her, but I don’t know how to help her see that I’m telling the truth.

I pause, shifting on my feet as the next words form in my mind. “I want you to help me find the princess because I can’t do it alone. And I can’t live knowing Lena is in harms way. But when it’s done, when we’ve brought her home safely and we’ve returned to normal life— I want to keep seeing you.” Her brows draw together at my words, her gaze frantically searching my own for the sincerity behind my words.

I continue, my hesitancy falling away as we move deeper into whatever this is between us. “I would like to know you. And if you’ll let me, to laugh with you. I want to get to know the thief I met in the middle of the night. The one who knocked the breath out of me.”

My life has been on the brink of shattering, and men have tried to end my life in more ways than one. Nights have been spent feeling as if complete destruction was about to take over me, and I wouldn’t survive— nor did I want to. But never has my heart beat so fiercely. Never have my nerves been so wildly on fire. Never have I wanted anything more than I want her in this moment. Her green eyes, the golden flecks of her hair shining in the scattered sun above us. I want to be the one who makes her eyes dimple as joy reaches every point of her face.

A few raindrops begin to fall around us. Those penetrating eyes highlight her fear and her unsureness. But I stay firm. This is my truth. In this moment, this is all that makes sense.

Eyes locked, she pensively reaches her hands up to cover my own as they now rest aside her face. Her fingers move down each of my arms, erasing the tiny drops of water that found my skin from above. She makes her way up to my shoulders, searing a path to my chest.

I move my hands to her back, slow and deliberate, trailing them until they sit firmly at her waist. My gaze shifts to her lips, her chest heaving as much as my own. Her soft fingers reach up and around my neck.

It feels as if the forest is spinning around me, and Ari is anchoring me to the ground.

Her touch is like a dream. One I didn’t dare to imagine until now. I want to grab on to any piece of her, holding on with everything I have so she won’t float away from me. I pull her closer, the rain falling more evenly now. My grip tightens around her hips as the heat of our bodies mix together. The smell of her—like sweet summer berries and honeysuckle blossoms— twirls around me, my vision beginning to blur at the edges as I breathe it in. But it’s hard to catch enough air, and all I can think of in this moment is tasting her lips with my own and letting that summer berry burst with its sweetness.

I lean down, feeling her breath against my face just before I close the final distance between us.

32

Ari

Asteadybeatofrain falls around me, mirroring the fierce thrum in my chest as Roan leans into me. Water dances along my eyelashes, falling gently down my face as I close my eyes. One minute we are screaming at each other, and the next all I could think about was wrapping myself around him. Ineededhim, again. But this time I needed much more than just sleeping in his arms.

His mouth gently brushes mine, his lips warm as they meet my own. Roan pulls back ever so slightly, making sure he has my full permission before he continues. I don't wait for him to understand my answer as I pull him closer, the fever of our lips melting into one another. He is gentle at first, allowing an exploration of each other and each new element we find. My body folds into his, unaware of anything but his hands at my waist and his mouth on my own. I’m wholly enveloped in his frame, his scent, his presence— suffocating everything else out of this single moment. Our kiss deepens, moving from a calm searching of something unfamiliar to a frantic passion of need and desire.

I didn’t know Iwantedthis, didn’t know Ifeltthis, until I heard him say that he cared about my future. And then something collapsed inside me— something musty and old and powerful and… safe. But it wasn’t safe. I didn’t know what safety meant until I let him in, let him see and feel my pain. And he stayed. He still wanted me despite what he saw.

“If you only do what’s safe you may never truly be happy,” my mother once told me. It made no sense to me then. I thought for a while that working with Marg, everything I’d done for the last four years, was me relinquishing safety for happiness just as she had said. But now— now I know she meant this. Being here and not running away. Not pushing away. Letting my shield crumble. Letting myself be truly seen, even in a small measurement.

I’m burning from the inside out in the best way imaginable as heat builds wildly inside me. We move in unison to the rhythm of the vibrant rain falling through the veil of leaves above. Water drips down our faces, soaking into our hair and clothes. But I don’t stop. We don’t stop.

There’s an urgency in each kiss, a surety to every touch, and strength as we cling to each other. The storm eases, its threatening downpour held at bay, dissolving into a steady drizzle.

Roan pulls back, his lips softly swollen, before tipping his forehead and resting it against my own.

I want to look up, to read his face and interpret every single thought that passes through his eyes. But a piece of me is afraid of what I will find. The vulnerability twisting through me makes me want to crawl out of my skin. So I stare at his chest instead as his fingers brush across my lips. He twists a piece of my hair, neither of us moving, our arms still wrapped around each other.

I don’t dare open my mouth, to speak first. So we stand in silence, my hands resting against his chest, his own holding me close.

I almost laugh, wondering how my hate could have turned around so violently into something like this— something so soft and inviting. There’s still a tug, a pull that wants me to step away, to put distance between us. I want to listen to it, but the comfort I feel standing here wins. And I stay.

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