Page 58 of Bad Mother

“I played with this sort of... wild abandon. Some people wondered if I wastryingto lose.” He was quiet for a moment, rememberingthat time. He heard the whispers of the other players. They’d thought he was mostly crazy and that he’d be down for the count soon enough. Winning took more controlled strategy than he was displaying. “The announcers used to say I played as though I was fearless,” he said, pausing again. “But that wasn’t it. I just had nothing of value to lose.” He turned toward her, meeting her eyes in the gauzy light. “I’d already lost the one thing that really mattered to me. You.” Only worse, he hadn’t just lost her; he’d thrown her away. He knew her well enough to know that was how she’d felt. But even though he’d been the one to walk away—run away—he’d been gutted too. Desolate. He’d wanted her with him. Her thoughts. Her touch. Her love.Her as his wife.And so while part of him was relieved to be unburdened by the pressure he’d felt, mostly he hated himself. Hence his recklessness.

“So if I was by your side, you probably wouldn’t have won.”

“Maybe. Maybe not. But I would have played differently, yes.”

“So you wouldn’t have been rich. You might have been living in a van down by the river.”

He laughed. “I like to think I’d have figured out a middle ground.” His expression became serious. “In some ways winning was awful, Si, because it felt like the thing I’d traded for you, and it didn’t begin to fill your void. In fact, it made your absence starker, because I wanted to talk to you about it. I wanted to share it. With you. Only with you. And you weren’t there.”

She smiled, but it was fleeting. “Where do we go from here?” she asked, her voice all but a whisper.

His heart rate jumped, but he didn’t really have an answer to that, because she was the one involved with someone else. That question was not for him to answer. They were so close, and part of him wanted to reply by leaning in and kissing her. But that wasn’t really an answer, not one he wanted anyway, at least not only that. In any case, he wasn’t going to take advantage of her, not like this, not when she was drowsyand groggy and just coming off a migraine. Yes, he desperately wanted her, but this was not the time.

“First,” he said, wrapping his arm around her and bringing her close, “we get you some more good sleep, because the sun is barely up.” She snuggled into him, and a few minutes later, he felt her body relax, her breath becoming smooth and even as she once again surrendered to dreams.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

Sienna stood in the doorway, watching Gavin sleep, her lips tilting in a tender smile. She’d felt him wake several times throughout the night as he’d checked on her. He’d also gotten up once and brought her another dose of medication and a glass of water. That and the rest had done wonders. Her head felt completely clear. She was thankful he’d kept sleeping when she’d gotten out of bed thirty minutes ago. She’d wanted time to shower and clean herself up. She’d needed time to think.

No, that wasn’t exactly true. She’d needed time to sit for a few minutes with the choice she’d made.

She leaned her shoulder against the doorframe, taking the opportunity to let her gaze move over him uninhibited. He’d stayed with her all night, and she’d slept more deeply than she had in months. It’d made her realize how innately she trusted him.Still.The room was dim, her shades blocking the early-morning sun, but she could see the crescents his lashes made on his cheeks and the dark stubble that spotted his jaw. His lips were parted slightly in sleep, his chest rising and falling rhythmically. He was still in his T-shirt and jeans, the sheet only covering his feet. He was beautiful, and she loved him. She always had. It felt so blessedly simple. After all these years away from him, shouldn’t it be an epiphany? A light bulb moment that took her by surprise?Maybe.Andyet there was something very different about acknowledging a first love, one that had never truly gone away.

Remembering what and who they’d been... together.

Recognizing that a man who she’d thought had carelessly abandoned her had actually grieved her loss as much as she’d grieved his. He’d made mistakes, but so had she.

Things would have been so different had they married that day. And though, in a way, she mourned the time they’d lost, she couldn’t help thinking about all she’d done, all she’d realized about herself, during their time apart. The gifts that had come from her suffering. She’d traveled alone to New York City. She’d graduated college and then the police academy. She’d worked hard and become a detective in one of the most crime-ridden areas of the city. She’d been morally tested and stood her ground. She’ddoneall that, a girl who, until that point, had never left the town in which she was born. A girl who’d come from nothing. And she would have never known she was capable of all those hard things had she married him that day. There wereother—different—things she might have known had she lived that alternate life, but she couldn’t be certain of what they were. And so she’d find gratitude in the many gifts that had risen from the ashes of her heartache. What else could anyone do? That lesson was hers; she’d earned it.

Gavin’s eyes opened, and he blinked at her. “Morning,” she said.

He came up on one elbow and ran a hand through his ruffled hair. “Morning. Sorry I...” He gave his head a small shake. “I guess I fell asleep on the job. How do you feel?”

She pushed off the wall, walked to the bed, and climbed in, sitting on her knees next to him. She smiled. “Rested. Finally. And no headache.”

He made a sound of relief and started to sit up. “I called Brandon,” she said, her words hurried. He lay back down and watched her, wariness in his gaze. “I’d already suggested we take a break, but this morning, I made it official.” She met his eyes. She could see the hope there,the longing. She felt those things too. Sheletherself feel those things, allowed all pretense to fall away and, with it, the stored hurt, the long years. Pure instinct led the way, and she leaned forward and brought her mouth to his. He moaned, deep in his throat, and wove his fingers through her hair as they kissed.

“I love you.” His voice came out choked. “I always have. I always will.”

“I love you too,” she said back, their eyes meeting.His eyes.It had always been about his eyes. They’d grabbed her from the start. She’d first seen friendship there, then desire, then love. Commitment. She saw it now, clear as day. And she knew he had left without allowing her to see his eyes because she would have seen his love. She would haveknown.

She leaned back in, kissing him again, luxuriating in the feel of his mouth against hers, the way the slow movement of his tongue still drove her wild. She almost laughed, with wonder, with delight, with the curious fact she’d ever settled for less than this.Safety, maybe. Self-preservation.But her thoughts were fleeting. She wanted to behere, in this moment, and there was time for self-reflection later.

They undressed each other slowly, both of them shivering in anticipation. She pulled his shirt over his head, running a finger over the very slight scar on his rib cage, the place where he’d broken through the red rover line and fallen on a sharp rock when he was ten. He’d cried and then been embarrassed that he had. She knew. She knew all his scars, and he knew all hers. His chest was solid and smooth, a sparse patch of hair between his pecs. Sienna reached up, running her fingers over it and then using both hands to brush across his nipples. He shivered, moaned. She could tell he was holding himself still, allowing her to rediscover him at her own pace. She smiled up at him. She wanted to go slow, but she was needy, too, moisture pooling between her thighs, her nipples pebbled in anticipation of his touch.

Gavin’s eyes met hers as he unbuttoned her top and let it fall open. Her breasts were bare. His mouth opened slightly, his eyes lingering,and she felt the approving heat of his stare. “You’re so incredibly beautiful,” he said. Shefeltbeautiful. He’d always made her feel that way with his eyes, with his words, with the way he never looked at anyone but her.

“So are you,” she said on a smile. She unsnapped his jeans, and he worked them quickly off his hips and over his straining erection.Oh.Her nerves tingled with excitement, her gaze growing hazy with lust. She had to touch him. She reached out, sliding her hand over his hot flesh, and he moaned, pressing forward, a sound that was both pleasure and pain falling from his lips. She wanted to taste him. She wanted to feel the bliss of him entering her body and watch the mindlessness of his pleasure consuming his face. She couldn’t wait to see him try to hang on to control, then surrender to it, to watch him thrust and shiver, to claim her. She wanted everything he had to give and all at once.

She slowed her breathing as much as she was able, removing the PJ bottoms she’d recently put on and tossing them aside. For a moment they both lay there, utterly naked, far enough apart that they could drink each other in, their chests rising and falling, hearts beating rapidly. They moved together then, the meeting of their bare skin causing each to gasp, rolling with a laugh and a moan, both cut off quickly by the meeting of their mouths.

Oh, the splendor of kissing naked. Of limbs entwined, of halted breaths and stroking fingers. Nothing was inaccessible, and both Gavin and Sienna joyfully explored each other, slowly at first, but then with more urgency. She’d always loved to feel him tremble, and nothing had changed. Her hand stroking his erection, his mouth on her nipple, sucking, licking, and then lower as she practically screamed, her hips bucking as her pleasure crested higher. Higher. It was too much then, for both of them. It had been mere minutes, but it’d also been eleven years, and one second longer felt intolerable. Their eyes met as Gavin positioned himself over her, grasping the underside of her thigh and raising it, opening her so he could thrust inside. “Oh God,” he said, histhroat moving as he swallowed, his biceps straining as he held himself above her.

She gripped his backside as he began to move, directing him so he made contact with the spot that made her tremble with every quickened press. “I haven’t been living, Sienna, not really,” he breathed between kisses. “Not until now.”

She kissed him harder in response. She felt alive, trulyalive, for the first time in years too. Stars were dancing before her eyes, the room around her hazy and unclear, and the only thing she could focus on was the intense rapture of her body. And she loved him. God, she loved him so much. She wanted to slow it down and speed it up, and before she could do either, her body decided for her and she let go of him, gripping the comforter on either side of her and sighing his name as she climaxed.

Her climax sparked his own, and he came with a muted groan, his mouth against her neck as his hips stilled, pressing one final time to draw out the bliss.

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