Page 98 of Promise and Punishment

“Hiding!” He exhaled loudly, voicing a stinging annoyance that made me stop abruptly. I turned to finally face him.

He was absolutely frustrated, his toned arms riddled with sweat that darkened the collar around his grey Colombia shirt. I hated that he made me stop, and all that he affirmed. This wasn’t the vacation I needed, and I couldn’t enjoy it, not anymore, especially with how his eyes trained themselves onto me.

“I’m not hiding,” I finally let out, breaking our momentary silence.

“You are, you always have been. I blame myself for that. But I won’t let you ignore what’s happening to us.” Parker still tried to catch his breath, his large chest heaving with a rise of muscle. I remained silent, angry at the charm of his tussled hair, its shape formed by a breeze that sifted through wild blue junipers.

This was what I was afraid of. I couldn’t look away, I couldn’t ignore all that I ever felt, the good and the bad, the admiration and the fear. Claire was right about a man’s love and how it could hurt. Parker’s hurt the worst, and the pain always came from not once feeling that he loved me the same.

Even this moment brought me back to a fantasy with him, an imagined possibility that this could be us, living a life as a couple. Running, laughing, matching our routines.

“I need to go. Ok!” I blurted.

“Wait, where are you going? Gemma… can we—”

I didn’t let him finish, I couldn’t, so I just ran; ran until everything felt sore and the pain took me somewhere far from the possibility of ever being the sad, college girl on the bathroom counter again, my pace even faster, quicker than what it was before. Parker called out my name, a momentary shout before he began to chase me. I breached the tunnel of trees, making my way down the hill of a green pasture, private land unbeknownst to whom, but gorgeous and rich, as the Joneses’ home sat in the distance.

“Faster…” I told myself, pushing my speed.

Parker quickly caught up, our descent powered by gravity and determined legs as the family dock appeared in my line of sight.

I ran harder than I did with Alejandro, different than the night we escaped a mob of fans on a busy New York street. That felt like a lifetime ago, a dreamlike memory that I instinctively compared to this. Yes, it was thrilling, but also so entirely different. Here, with Parker, there were no screaming fans or honking cars, but the stakes were higher now than they were back in the city, and getting caught here felt like it would change my life forever.

Chapter32

Parker

“Gemma!” I shouted once more as her sprint turned into a hasty walk. She ignored me, purposefully kicking a patch of grass as I drew closer, annoyed. “Gem, what the hell is going on?”

“Nothing, Park.” She raised her hand in submission, turning away from me.

“Don’t say nothing. That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“I already told you, I forgive you.”

“I don’t believe you, and I’m not asking you to. Jesus, you can’t even look at me.”

“I have nothing to say.”

“How’s that even possible?”

“Because Park!” She cut me off. “What am I supposed to say? As if I didn’t have enough to worry about, to obsess about. I can’t spend another second deciphering and misinterpreting things from you. I’ve done that enough!”

“Good. Cause I don’t want you to. I don’t need you to anymore.”

“Why? Because you decide now is a good time?” she shouted, walking through the sandy grass, lifting her shirt over her black sports bra to wipe sweat off her forehead. “It’s always on someone else’s time. I’m always here, waiting and wishing for someone to say something, to make some move because I’m tired of trying to read between the lines. And it hurts. I won’t do it, and I won’t forgive you. I won’t forgive you for how I was made to feel and what I was made to believe all those years ago. Fuck you, Parker!”

“Yes, fuck me. Fuck everything I did and said because all of it was shit. I won’t blame others for the decisions I made, despite doing everything I thought was right. But I won’t let you walk away from me. Not this time, goddamn it.” My weight creaked along the old planks of the dock, drowning out the gentle laps of water against its base. I prayed she wouldn’t jump in, leaving me no choice but to do the same. She drove me fucking insane.

“I get to shut out who I want, when I want. You don’t get to decide for me.”

“Fuck that. I won’t decide for you, but I won’t be ignored either.” I warned as she stopped at the edge, unable to move any further, stuck between me and the abandoned harbor.

She sighed loudly.

“I already told you, I have nothing to say…” She focused on the pillar before me, on a small set of chipped initials carved on the top of its surface.

Gemma and I had remained at this dock longer than I could remember, not in person, but encapsulated with two simple engraved letters I carved the summer we turned eleven years old:P & G.I thought of all the times we had spent here, the memories that this very spot held, and what the future would bring. Would us—the Hamptons and the moments— ever end? Would time be as kind to usas it was for this pillar, keeping us together like unbreakable initials?

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