Page 96 of Promise and Punishment

“No, no. Don’t be sorry. I’m just… checking on you.” I squeezed my eyes shut, going nowhere in my conversation. I hated this reminiscent feeling, this stupid memory of me outside Claire’s door, of the moment Gemma shut me out with tears in her eyes. It was happening all over again, her voice matured but somber, urging me to test the doorknob, regardless of if I knew it was already locked.

“I think I just had too much to drink tonight,” she said, her voice a little closer. Was she out of bed now?

“Is there anything I can bring you?”

“No…”

“Well…” I hesitated at the sound of shuffling feet that inched closer in my direction from the other end of the door. I already knew there was nothing she needed, nothing physically at least, and as uncomfortable as it was to whisper, I asked the most opaque question I could muster. “Is there anything I can say?”

I leaned further into the crack of the door, my shoulder brushing against the spot I hoped she was touching on the other side. Without its barrier, without inches of wood, we’d be chest to chest, eye to eye, mouth to mouth.

“I don’t think so,” she finally replied, an answer I couldn’t accept.

“I just want to know how you feel… I want… more.”I always have, I wanted to add, but paused, unable to commit to the sentence, not wanting to scare her away. I placed my palm above the knob, begging to reach the other end, to grab her by the arm. There was so much I wanted to say, but couldn’t, not like this, not without meeting her face and telling her like a man. “This is our home, our room, and I don’t know how to fix tonight, and I’m … just…”

“Just what?” she asked, her lips close, her mint flavored tongue sweet against the crack from where we both spoke.

I can’t hold it in any longer.

“Just…tell me we’re ok.” I begged, and I knew she knew I begged. I wasn’t just asking anymore; I needed this.

“Parker?” Mila exited the bathroom that was down our hall, wiping toothpaste off her lips as she called out my name. Gemma stayed quiet as Mila adjusted her glasses, looping her arm with mine. “What are you doing down here?”

I shook my head, “I, uh…”

“No water?” She laughed, pulling me aside, apart from Gemma and away from our room. “It doesn’t matter. I found a winery we can go to tomorrow. It’s super cute, and apparently a popular wedding venue.”

“For Gemma and Tommy?” I scrunched, asking defensively, hearing the ill-attempted strums of a guitar down the stairs in Dad’s office.

Mila laughed at me. “For no one, I’m just saying it’s pretty,” she leaned her head onto my arm. “What else could you ask for?”

Everything,I answered to myself, a list of wants and needs that had gone unfilled for far too long; for this trip to be over, for Gemma to be happy, to get the answer I wanted, but didn’t receive as Mila pulled me away.

I didn’t need much anymore, settling on the brief smile I caught Gemma giving Mom back at the counter while working on the puzzle. That’s all I could have for now. That and the hope of getting us back to where we were, something I’d resonate on while falling asleep, wishing it was her that was by my side, back in our old bed, back in our old life.

Chapter31

Gemma

My lungs were on fire, finally reaching a point where I could almost forget about last night.Almost.

I couldn’t believe Parker, not only at the bonfire, but afterwards, pursuing me in the kitchen, standing so close to me, provoking a need for me to fall into his arms.

God, help me, I tried to stay distracted while running; fixated on the crunch of gravel, the fight for breath, the incinerating heat and sweat that covered my chest and ears, but the harder I pushed myself, the more I focused on why I was pushing in the first place.

There is no us, I am just a sister. I told myself again, placing myself back in the role I’d gotten accustomed to, because that’s what felt safe now, predictable even. As the sister, I could never be let down again, I was already as low as I could get, because after all that had happened in my life—the heartache, the trauma, the inability to finally get ahead—I wasn’t sure I could survive another let down, especially if it came from Parker.

“Gemma!” A rushed voice shouted from behind, startling me to quicken my pace.

I pretended not to hear him but was surprised by how close he was as he appeared by my side. He certainly was the same old track star from Columbia. “You ditched me.”

“Hey,” I flashed a quick smile to Parker, my throat dried from the lack of air. “Sorry! I was up early… I thought I could squeeze in a run.”

“Without me?”

“Well, not on purpose,” I continued defensively, trying not to look at him. It was so hard to avoid being trapped by his attention, possibly becoming vulnerable to whatever he could do or say.

There’s a lot of things I should have been in the past, but a brother was never one of them, and believe me when I say this, Gemma, I’m nowhere close to that.Fuck. Not even my breathing could help me ignore what he said last night.

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