Page 53 of And Then There's You

“Come on man, you know I don’t do that shit anymore.” In the slight pause he makes before saying “anymore” there’s a flash of hesitation in his sideways glance to me. I watch regret set in immediately after realizing he didn’t think fast enough and should have left off that word. We’ve never had this conversation before, and it’s very clear he was never planning on it.

Before I can say anything, he stands, links my fingers with his and pulls me toward the bunks that line the hallway of the bus. He slides the curtain on one of the bottom bunks open to reveal his “room.” It’s smaller than I imagined, a strip light along the back edge, and his backpack full of clothes jammed in the corner. I have no idea how the heck both of us will fit in there, which was my plan until two minutes ago. Despite my reservations he can surely feel, he pats his bed, nodding at me to get in. I slide in, lying on my side with my back to the wall because there is no other option if we expect both of us to fit.

He slips in next to me, after taking his converse off and stuffing them in the space above his backpack. Wrapping his arm around my waist, he pulls us closer together but stays far enough back that he can look at me. His hand moves to the lock of hair that’s fallen into my face and gently tucks it behind my ear, a look of vulnerability in his eyes. He knows my mood shifted and why I’m bothered. Since the first day he came to my apartment, it seems like he’s been able to gauge me so well. I look toward the ceiling that’s only two feet from my face. His hand still resting on my cheek, he pulls my gaze back to him.

Music starts blasting from the back of the bus so he has to talk at normal volume for me to hear him. This conversation is something that seems like it should be done in a whisper, so it feels more intense and makes me uncomfortable. He doesn’t break eye contact with me. “Listen, babe, I was a different person my first year on the road. Everything was new and exciting, and I cared too much about fitting in with the guys.” It starts off sounding like excuses, but then his voice softens, and his eyes shift away for a moment, like he’s embarrassed. “I know how dumb that sounds looking back, but I can’t change it, and I wouldn’t. It may have taken forever for us to find our way to each other in the way we are together now, but I know every choice I made is what led me back to you. I know you hate this, but please know that’s not me anymore. The person I’ve been with you these past few months, that’s who I am, and it’s who I want to be.”

I suck in a deep breath to calm myself before I start talking. My voice cracks anyway. “How bad was it?” I hold my breath waiting for his response.

He sighs. “Bad. I was high all the time. I wasn’t sleeping. The guys get away with slipping up on stage sometimes, but I started fucking up lyrics–not so easy to cover up. I had one really bad show that thankfully helped snap me out of it.”

I absorb what he’s said. “Even after a whole quarter learning about it, I’ve never had an opinion about this before, maybe because it’s never something I’ve had to deal with personally. But I’m already feeling insecure about what I’m doing with my life, and feeling out of control. Then everything happened with Avery and it was such a scary situation, with someone I could always count on to be safe in my life. With one decision, it felt like that security was taken from me. That wasn’t even her fault, we lost control of a situation without doing anything wrong. But knowing you could potentiallychooseto do something unsafe, it worries me. And not telling me about it, when you’re usually so open with me, is upsetting, especially if I’m going to move all the way to California for you. You can’t keep important things from me.”

He sighs, hurt filling his eyes. “I never want to make you feel unsafe. All I want to do is protect you. It’swhyI’m so happy you are moving in with me. I know what it’s like to live with someone you can’t count on, and I don’t want you to feel that way.”

“That means a lot to me. You are my safe place, Mack, and I’m sure I’ll feel even more strongly about that when we live together. I know you can give me everything you never got at home. I don’t doubt that. I never want to compare you to your dad because you aren’t him. But I saw the impact his choices had on you and Avery. Now that I know you’re surrounded by this all the time, and it’s an urge you’ve given into before…it’s not that I don’t trust you. It just scares me that one choice could potentially change everything. I don’t know what I would do if drugs took you away from me.”

He takes a moment to study my face, and the look on his makes me feel like he’s torn between saying two different things. “I don’t want to think about us not being together.” He pauses. “I know I should wait for another time when you’re not upset or we aren’t crammed into this excuse of a bedroom, but I have to tell you.” He pauses again, like he’s trying to clear the nerves from his voice. When he talks again, it comes out perfectly clear. “I love you, Maci. I knew it was inevitable the moment I walked into your apartment three months ago. I could feel it. You don’t have to say it back if you’re not ready. I just want you to know how serious I am about you and us. I don’t want you to have any doubts about that, especially when I’m on the road and we aren’t together. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this before. I wanted to leave it in the past and focus on our future together.”

A tear that's been sitting in the corner of my eye finally falls. I was afraid when I saw those lines sitting on the table, but my love is stronger. Despite the fact we’ve only been together a few months, I do love Mack. I know it, without any doubt, because it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. I love how safe I feel when I’m around him. I love how reassured I am not only by his words and his touch, but simply by his presence. In my world that has felt chaotic in the past year, he’s been the thing that helps me feel grounded, despite this new information.

“I love you too, Mack,” I whisper right as he reaches to wipe the tear off my cheek. He pauses with his hand still on my face, and his eyes go wide–like he’s surprised–right before he closes them and closes the distance between our lips.

I cannot get close enough to him fast enough. I reach down and unbutton his jeans then tug at the zipper. I pull on his jeans, but get stuck, considering I can hardly move in this six by three foot shoebox. He helps me, kicking them off right before he reaches for the button on my jeans to do the same. The next few minutes are a frazzled, tangled mess of an attempt to get our clothes off. It would be funny if I wasn’t overcome by the weight of realizing this is the first time I’ve ever been in love with someone who has told me they feel the same. Yeah, I’m frantic trying to get closer to this man right now, but my soul is calm, despite my racing heart trying to convince me otherwise. It’s like the feelings of my need for him and knowing I have all of him now have finally melded together.

I roll on top of him, careful not to hit my head on the top of the bunk. Reaching between us I feel how hard he already is. Instantly, my heart begins to pound, thinking about how much he wants me, in every way. The aching between my legs begs for relief as I take the condom from him, rolling it on quickly before guiding him into me. I intended to let him fill me slowly so I can savor every second of this, but an urgent need for him wins out.

One hand framing his face and the other pressing into the side of the bunk wall, I steady myself, sliding down onto him faster than he expected. A moan escapes his lips and his eyes roll back. His calloused hand grips my hip, and I continue to ride him. He sweeps the hair out of my face with his other hand gently, but the next sensation is anything but as he tugs my face to his with a firm grip on my hair. Sliding his hand down until he’s palming my breast, he rolls my nipple between his fingers, a fluttering feeling shooting through me. I grind into him until he’s so deep inside me I can feel him everywhere. It’s almost painful and uncomfortable while simultaneously still not enough.

I keep rocking into him, pulling back slowly, before taking him in again, each time still not feeling like we are close enough. I want every inch of my skin touching his, for my body to consume him the way my heart already has. Both my hands grip the sheets now, twisting them as my stomach contracts, pressure already starting to build. There’s no stopping it. I shove my face into the pillow behind Mack’s head to muffle my moans as my orgasm consumes me. Waves of heat flow through my body, as I feel his release pulsing inside of me. It’s so much more than a physical sensation. This feeling of wholeness floods every part of me. I didn’t realize how much I want this, how much I want Mack.

After our breathing steadies, I pull back, my chin settling on his hot chest so I can look at him. He pushes the sweat soaked hair out of my face, his green eyes dark and full of fire as his teeth tug on the corner of his lip. I watch him, trying to memorize the way he looks right now. He laughs lightly, and it vibrates through us. Confusion washes over me.

“I…planned on that being more lovemaking than…me frantically trying to have you faster than possible.” I smile, as he leans up slightly to kiss my forehead. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

I’vebeenleavingmybooks for last. I’m the worst at letting go of things, but I know I won’t need them now that I’ve graduated, and I don’t need to drag them all the way to California. Some of these textbooks are ridiculously heavy and big anyway, so I decide to box them up and drop them off at my parents’ house sometime before I leave. After a month being in the states around graduation, they are back to gallivanting around the world, but support this move 100%. When I shared my concerns, my mom reassured me. She said, “Sweetie, you only have one life. There’s no way to know if the choices we make are right. We can only know what makes us happy. If you think this will make you happy, then you should go. And not that it should be a deciding factor, but you know how much we love Mack.” My mom is the best.

I pick up my statistics book to toss it in my box, but notice the corner of a piece of paper sticking out of the top, between two of the pages. That’s strange. I don’t usually keep notes in my books. I pull it out.

It takes me a moment to realize who it’s from. My mouth drops open as I start to read.

Hey, Maci, In case you’ve forgotten about me already, I was the one who took you on your first motorcycle ride, we ate waffles, and had the most incredible night before I ghosted you. I was just thinking about you. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately. Wanted to say I didn’t forget about you. When we met, I was heartbroken. I’ve been single this entire time, and I’m doing much better now. If it hadn’t been for that, I would have loved to date you. The truth is, the night we spent together is what I needed to get my confidence back and feel like I was deserving of someone, and I wanted that someone to be you. But I didn’t realize it until I thought it would be too late to call you. I still regret not kissing you that night and giving us a chance. Anyway, I’m not sure if you’ll still be around by the time you read this, but if you are, give me a call. -Troy

I reread it three times before folding it back up. It doesn’t matter now. I’m moving to California to be with Mack, and I love him. It’s just crazy to think about what could have happened if I’d found this letter sooner. How long has it been here? It had to be from before I ran into him at Dean’s. How did it get here?

I toss the letter in my box of random knick knacks I’m bringing. I'm not sure why I don’t throw it away, but it doesn’t feel right. I spent weeks trying to figure out answers to questions I had about Troy, and now I finally have them. I got to a point where I didn’t wonder at all anymore, and now I’m living this different life where I don’t and can’t know what would have been possible, but finding this piece of an old puzzle is still nice.

I’m distracted when I find another piece of paper loose between two books. It’s an old list Avery and I made, covered in doodles of palm trees and airplanes and places we want to visit. The travel fund from my parents is still in my account, but I’ve yet to come up with a plan. Rather, my international travel dreams have been put on pause for my move to California. I am okay with it for now.

I twist my charm bracelet from Mack through my fingers. I might be unsure of exactly who I am right now, or what direction I want my life to go, but I’m certain about him. I repeat my mom’s words to myself. Follow what makes you happy. Mack is currently at the top of that list. I have plenty of time to figure out what’s on the rest of it.

CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

Iknockonthedoor, and it opens immediately. Before I’m fully in the entryway, Mack has me scooped up in his arms. Taking a step back, he spins me around before setting me down. I tighten my arms around his neck. “Hi, baby,” I whisper in his ear like I didn’t just get off the phone with him.

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