Page 58 of Was I Ever Real

Her body slackens and she huffs out a long sigh, rolling her eyes. I let go of her face and take a step back, laughing softly.

“You couldn't help yourself, could you?” she says.

“Felt like the right moment,” I reply with a shrug. “Now come.” I take her by the hand and lead her to her god-awful pink couch, sitting down at opposite ends.

The way she’s nervously glancing at me, you’d think she was on trial for murder.

“My childhood wasn’t normal. I didn’t realize it until—until…” she trails off, her eyes up to the ceiling, blinking back tears and presumably trying to find the right words. “I didn’t have access to the outside world. I was beyond sheltered. Led to believe we were the chosen few and the prophet was a god amongst mortals.”

Her gaze lands back on me, while I’m trying to make sense of what she’s saying.

Taking a large inhale, she squirms in her seat and finally says, “I grew up in Sacro Nuntio… ever heard of them?”

My eyebrows raise in surprise.Shit. Not what I expected. “Yeah, they own a bunch of land near Redwood forest.”

She nods before looking down, wringing her hands and inhaling deeply. “My real name is Penelope Lincoln,” she says, swallowing loudly, swinging her eyes back up. “I was one of the prophet’s many daughters. Polygamy was encouraged, and one of his many sister wives was my mother.” She pauses, seemingly looking for her words. “His name was Jasper Lincoln. He claimed to be the reincarnation of the archangel Raphael.” She laughs softly in disbelief after saying it. “IthoughtI was happy living there, it wasn’t until much later I realized how fucked up the entire thing was. I—I thought I was happy until my father called me into his office, the day of my wedding—I was barely sixteen.”

“What?” Is all I manage to choke out. Rage tastes like bile in my throat as I try to contain my reaction and let Lenix finish her story. I sit in horror as she recounts what happened inside those four walls that day. Of what her father tried to do to her. I try to keep my face blank but the fury I feel inside is indescribable.

“I didn’t mean to kill him… I just wanted him to stop,” Lenix says in a wobbly whisper. “Or maybe deep down I did… ’cause next thing I knew, I was hitting him across the head—and then he fell. His head hit the table and before I realized what I had done, it was too late.”

Her hand raises up to her mouth, her eyes even wider than before. She looks frighten, as if she’s scared of how I’m going to react—like I would feel anything but pride for what she fucking did. Warring emotions battle inside of me, the urge to kill so strong it’s hard to sit still, but the urge to hold and protect her is as heady in my chest. I try to breathe through the shock and anger, knowing Lenix had to live through this fucking nightmare with no one there to help her.

“I didn’t know what to do…” Her voice sounds so small, not like my usual Lenix. Almost like she’s back in that sick cult, sixteen and much too innocent, eyes still shining with sorrow. “So I ran away with just the clothes on my back.” She lets out a small humorless laugh as if remembering something. “It just so happened to be a wedding dress. I ran for what felt like hours… I didn’t even know where I was heading. I just knew I had to keep running…”

The image of her in a wedding dress, running for her life, knocks the wind out of me as my awareness heightens. It yanks old memories into the forefront of my mind, the same feeling of protection I felt then, surging through my veins.

Of a diner in the middle of nowhere.

Of Martha, and boysenberry pies.

And a girl in a wedding dress.

Chapter 35

Ifeelsick.

I don’t know what to think. What to do. What to say. Connor is staring at me from across the couch with an expression I can’t make out andfuckI wish I knew what he was thinking. I’m trying not to cry but I’m struggling. It’s all so difficult. I don’t want to remember. It hurts too much. I’ve been pushed into a corner like an injured animal with nowhere to escape.

The shame is so thick in my body, it feels like I’m about to combust from the inside out. Shame is so insidious, it’s hard to describe in words. The feeling is so acute and painful, that I’ll do just about anything not to ever feel it again.

Lie.

Run.

Pretend.

Betray.

Anything. Just notthis.

I would burn it all to the ground if given the chance. My body is trembling and I think I might be in shock. That can’t be right. Nothing has even happened. But it’s like I never gave myself the chance to mourn and now everything is slithering back out to collect what’s due.

My soul.

“Lenix?”

Connor says my name like he’s trying not to spook me.

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